


Out of Heaven

by Castielific



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24356371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castielific/pseuds/Castielific
Summary: “Do you want to have sex?” Castiel asks Dean Winchester as soon as the other boy gets out of the classroom.Dean startles and looks around, like he’s wondering who Cas is talking to. When there is no one, his eyebrows jump up his forehead. He tapes a hand on his chest to ask for confirmation, and Castiel nods, clutching his history book to his chest.“DoIwant to have sex withyou?”Cas nods again, gulping and starting to second-guess his idea.Dean gapes for a long moment, taken aback. Who could blame him when the weird kid that sits behind him in History class, and whom he’s shared maybe two words with in the entirety of his existence asks him something like this out of the blue?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury & Castiel, Charlie Bradbury/Jo Harvelle
Comments: 146
Kudos: 386
Collections: The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	1. Freckles don't lie

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a cute, fluffly, maybe even smutty story. Then I started writting it and suddenly there was plot and drama. It took me about forty pages to realize that I'd totally lost control over this story. 
> 
> I still like it. I hope you will too. Please, tell me if you do, comments give me the motivation to keep writing. 
> 
> There are twelve chapters, the story is complete. I'll post about one or two chapters a week.
> 
> Just a warning to Meg's fan. She is just a side character here, but she's kinda creepy and pervy. I do like Meg, so no bashing, she was just the one that fitted the kind of character I needed the most. 
> 
> I got inspired to write this fic while watching "Never I have ever". If you've seen it, you'll probably recognize why. It has nothing else in common with that show for the next eleven chapters tho. 
> 
> A huge thanks to underwaterattribute for her precious help! You should follow her on tumblr. 
> 
> I'm also on Tumblr under the same name and will be posting the chapter over there too ;-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's way of speaking may seem weird for a teenager, but the reason is part of the plot, so bear with me on this.

[ ](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/22/i7bn.jpg)

************

“Do you want to have sex?” Castiel asks Dean Winchester as soon as the other boy gets out of the classroom.

Dean startles and looks around, like he’s wondering who Cas is talking to. When there is no one, his eyebrows jump up his forehead. He tapes a hand on his chest to ask for confirmation, and Castiel nods, clutching his history book to his chest. 

“Do _I_ want to have sex with _you_?” 

Cas nods again, gulping and starting to second-guess his idea. 

Dean gapes for a long moment, taken aback. Who could blame him when the weird kid that sits behind him in History class, and whom he’s shared maybe two words with in the entirety of his existence asks him something like this out of the blue?

Castiel can feel himself pale as the humiliation of rejection preemptively starts to set in. 

“Okay,” Dean seems to decide, with a nonchalant shrug. 

Cas can feel his eyes bulges out as the other teenager continues. 

“I have practice after school today, but I’m free tomorrow. I live on Alberta street, green house with the shitty lawn. Be there at four.” 

“I...huh...okay.”

“Cool. See you then,” Dean salutes with a grin, turning back and strolling away. 

Castiel watches him go, amazed at what just happened. Asking Dean has been a spur of the moment decision. He did reflect on it before, but hadn’t planned how he was going to ask him yet. Then he saw Dean, and no one else around, and just blurted it out. 

He had next to no hope that Dean Winchester would agree. Now his heart is beating too fast in his chest as he realizes what just happened. 

Once the shock has passed though, he feels really proud of himself. Not only was he brave enough to ask, but Dean must find him adequately attractive to have said yes. 

Castiel Mills, resident weirdo of Lawrence High is going to have sex with the most popular and attractive guy in his school. It may be a very superficial thought, but Cas feel his chest puff out in pride all the way home anyway. 

************

His friend Charlie may have explained to him that virginity is a social construct that isn’t as big a deal as everyone makes it to be, and definitively not a part of who someone actually is, but that doesn’t stop Castiel from feeling his anxiety growing as the day drags on. Her comparison between losing your virginity and listening to a song from a band that you’ve never heard before feels quite understated now that he's faced with the prospect of actually having intercourse with another human being.

By lunch the next day, he’s sweating through his shirt. He’s thinking about skipping the last period so he can go home and take a shower before meeting with Dean. This seems like a situation in which body hygiene feels important. He sniffs himself inconspicuously. Yes, it would be more respectful to clean himself up first. He jumps as Charlie’s head appears under his chin and she takes a whiff of his armpit. 

“Nah, you’re good, bro,” she confirms with a thumb up, “but since when do you care?”

“Are you implying that I generally don’t care about my personal hygiene?” 

“Dude, you look like you generally don’t care about anything, body wise.” Charlie affirms, moving her hand in front of him to encompass his whole body. 

“I should probably be offended by this,” Cas answers, reflecting. He looks down at his simple grey tee-shirt and blue jeans, “but I don’t think grooming and fashion are of import, as long as physical hygiene is respected.” 

“Well, yeah, it’s easy not caring when you have natural abs, and look hot with bed hair,” Kevin Tran notes. 

“I don’t have abs,” Castiel says, looking down his chest. 

“Prove it. Take off your shirt,” Meg incites, looking way too excited by the prospect. 

“Don’t objectify me,” Cas repeats for what must be the millions times. Meg is always coming onto him, staring at his ass and making improper comments. It’s quite tiring. 

He doesn’t like Meg. He doesn’t hate her because Castiel doesn’t really have it in himself to hate anyone. But he really, really doesn’t like Meg. He’s not even sure why she’s still having lunch with them, when they formally voted to not allow her to sit at their lunch table anymore, at his demand. But she keeps appearing everywhere they go, and sitting down with them. It’s very irritating. 

“You look like you have abs-” Charlie continues, ignoring Meg, which is their current strategy to try and get rid of her. Sadly, Cas isn’t very good at being rude to people on purpose, even Meg, neither is Charlie. “- which is really unfair, because you literally never exercise. I mean, I saw you read a book in PE.”

“Why does everyone give that much importance to abs anyway?” Cas ponders. 

“That’s exactly something that someone that effortlessly has abs would say,” Kevin Tran singsongs, covering the noise of Meg’s ‘Because they’re hot!’

“That’s hottie privilege, dude,” Charlie declares,“That’s just like white privilege, but with abs.”

Castiel squints at her in confusion, before sighing.

“I need to go home and shower,” Cas declares, getting up with his lunch tray. 

“What’s with you and hygiene today?” Charlie wonders, suspicious, as Meg asks if she can come with.

“It is not of your concern,” he declares over his shoulder as he goes. 

He can feel Charlie’s eyes following him as he disappears around the corner. She tends to take any suspicious behaviour like a mystery waiting to be solved, so he knows she’ll badger him about it tomorrow. It doesn't really matter, since he’s planning on telling her what happened anyway. He’s not sure she would ever pardon him if he were to hide the loss of his virginity from her. 

Teenagers seem to put a lot of importance on other students’ sexual life. Castiel can’t say he cares about it at all, like most of most teenagers’ interests. The only reason he’s even entertaining the idea of losing his virginity is because it seems to be a rite of passage for people his age. He might at well get rid of it right away. 

Furthermore, Meg keeps suggesting to take his virginity, or as she puts it “take away his delicate little flower and turn him into the wild sex lion that she knows he is”. That sentence doesn’t make any sense to him, but he feels like he should avoid _that_ at all cost. 

He’s hoping that she’ll lose interest in him once he won’t be burdened by his virgin status anymore. She always says that she favors virgins (which is very creepy and quite worrying, according to Charlie).

Once he had decided that he wanted to have intercourse, Dean Winchester seemed like the obvious choice. 

Dean is attractive enough that even Castiel took notice, and he has a reputation for practicing intercourse very regularly, with many different partners. That last point seems really important to Castiel as it means that: a) He has a lot of experience therefore must know how to do it adequately, and b) He seems to not be very concerned about who his sexual partner is, or what their assigned gender is, which meant that Castiel stood a chance to have his favor. 

Dean Winchester also seems much more agreeable than the other boys called “jock” in his group. Cas had noticed before how he never acts mean, and seems easy going with everyone. Castiel even witnesses him correcting his friends’ impolite or abusive behavior toward other students on more than one occasion. He never acts as rude as them. He also acts respectfully toward their teachers, which doesn’t seem to be usual for teenagers. Castiel is always baffled by the way other students act toward adults. It’s so different to how he was taught to treat his elders as a child. 

Castiel is glad that his assessment of Dean WInchester seemed to have been correct, as all he had to do was ask to have sex for him to accept. It was even easier than what he was expecting. 

It does make him ponder why all teenagers seem to complain about how hard it is to find a willing sexual partner in high school. He wonders if they just never thought to simply ask. They do have a tendency to overly complicate matters. 

************

Because his mom raised him well, Cas is early at Dean’s house. So early that Dean isn’t even here yet. He hesitates for a moment, thinking he should maybe go for a walk so as to not look too eager. A huge black car, that he recognizes as Dean’s, interrupts his reflection, parking in the alley. 

Cas wipes his suddenly moist hands on his jeans as Dean gets out of the Impala. 

“How did you get here so fast?” Cas shrugs in answer, not willing to admit that he skipped a class to be here on time and not smell like old sweat. Dean cocks his head at Castiel’s bike, looking a little confused, before passing him on his way to open the door. “Let’s get to it then.”

Cas takes a second to try and calm himself before following him inside. He had no idea this would be so stressful. It’s just sex. He’s informed himself on how to do it properly. He even experimented with some things on himself. He feels he has enough knowledge to be able to do it properly. It shouldn’t be different to passing any other test he’s prepared for. 

When he enters, Dean is gulping down water straight from a bottle in front of the fridge and Castiel can feel his heart picking up speed as he looks at the jock’s Adam apple bob rhythmically. He has a very long neck. It’s both naturally tanned and freckled, which is rare and strangely attractive. Dean catches him looking and sends him a coy smile, moisturizing his lips with his tongue in a move that Castiel can’t help but stare at. The jock grabs another bottle, and extends it to him. 

“You thirsty?” he asks, shaking the small size bottle to entice Castiel to take it. 

“No, thank you. In which room do you wish us to have sex?” he asks, turning around to look at the small living room. 

The walls are in a poor state with holes and suspicious stains. The brown couch looks like it belongs in a garbage bin. There are books piled up next to it, being used as a makeshift side table. 

He hears Dean saying something to himself. He’s pretty sure he overhears the words “weirdo” but decides to ignore it. It would not be the first time he’s been called that, not by far. He’s learned that it’s often that people lack the vocabulary to describe him.

He didn’t choose Dean for his brain, so it shouldn’t matter. 

“Let’s go to my room,” Dean says, pointing to a door at the end of a small corridor. Cas nods and walks straight to it. 

His heart is still beating very fast, and he’s started sweating again. He hopes they’ll undress quickly, that should help cool down his body. He takes a quick look around as he enters Dean’s bedroom: rock bands posters and sport paraphernalia; That’s pretty much what he was expecting. 

The bed isn’t made, but the sheets look clean. It would be presumptuous to sit on someone's bed without an invitation, so he sits on a red leather armchair in the corner and starts to take off his shoes. 

“Huh, what are you doing?” Dean asks, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Shoes and socks can be bothersome during foreplay, so I’m preemptively taking them off, in order to be more efficient,” Cas explains, arranging his socks into his empty shoes. He gets up, wipes his hands on his jeans again and approaches Dean. The other man is looking at him with his mouth pursed and his eyebrows furrowed in bafflement. “I do trust that you have condoms and water based lubricant? I brought some, but forgot them in my bike’s satchel.”

“What?” 

“I could put my shoes back on and go get it through if-” Cas starts proposing, turning back toward his shoes. A hand on his forearm stops him. 

“Have you ever done this before?” Dean inquires, looking concerned. 

“I’m a virgin. Should I have mentioned this before? Is this a problem for you?” 

“No, that’s not…Are you sure you want to do this, man? We don’t even know each other or anything.”

“I didn’t realize this would be a problem for you. I heard about some of your affairs with people you didn’t know beforehand. I’m pretty sure some of them were virgins too,” Cas explains. 

“Well, don’t believe all that you hear,” Dean mumbles. He seems upset. He looks over at Cas with a kind look though, his hand still on his forearm. “You sure then?”

“I am,” Cas affirms, jutting his chin. 

“Okay.” Dean takes his shirt off in a swift movement, throwing it right to the chair in the corner. There are freckles and a whole lot of tan skin, and Cas can’t help but stare at it, trying to find a pattern to all those little blemishes. Dean takes Castiel's hand, their fingers interspecing as he raises them closer to his chest. “You can touch,” he invites gently, putting Cas’ hand against his torso. 

“It does seem necessary to our endeavour.”

“Do you always talk like that?” Dean scoffs, not meanly. 

“There’s nothing bad in speaking well,” Cas automatically answers, used to that kind of comment. He’s connecting one freckle to another with the point of his finger, head inclined as he watches in fascination. He’s never touched anyone like this before. 

“Guess not,” Dean admits. 

There are suddenly two fingers under Cas’ chin, making him look up. He gulps as his eyes plunge into Dean’s. He had never noticed how green they were. Up close, they are even more fascinating than his freckles. Thinking that makes his eyes slide to the freckles on Dean’s cheeks. He realizes that they are getting closer and closer, the fingers on chin raising it just a little more so that his mouth is right in front of...Castiel takes a sudden step back, blinking out of his daze. Kissing. He’s never done that. He was so focused on the coïtus part that he never took time to inform himself on how to do that. 

“You’re okay?” Dean asks, sounding concerned, if a little frustrated.

“I don’t want us to kiss,” Cas decides. He doesn’t like to do things that he doesn’t know how to do well. Best to avoid that. 

“Is that some kind of pretty woman thing?”

“Neither you nor I are women,” Castiel reminds him, confused. 

“No I mean...nevermind,” Dean sighs, passing a hand on his face. Castiel can feel that he’s getting frustrated. Cas must be doing something inadequately. He looks down, embarrassed at his shortcomings. 

“You should take your shoes off too,” Castiel says, noticing that the other boy is still wearing them, “it would be more-”

“Efficient?” Dean cuts him off with a smirk, both eyebrows raised in question. 

“Yes.” Castiel beams, happy that Dean listened to him. It happens way less than it should with other people.

Dean chuckles, toeing his shoes off and kicking them out of the way. He then hops awkwardly on one foot to take his socks off alternatively. 

“Better?”

“Yes,” Castiel confirms. He lets out a gasp in surprise when Dean grabs his belt and brings him close. Their chests collide and stay flush together as Dean’s fingers slide under Cas’ shirt to caress his hips, making him shiver. 

“Shall we continue then?” Dean asks, tilting his head and peeking sideways, flirtatious. 

“Yes,” Castiel repeats. His hands have ended up flat against Dean’s abs and he looks down at the unexpected firmness. Kevin Tran needs to inform himself better because Castiel definitely doesn’t have that on his body. Those are so well defined and toned that he can see each abdominal muscle. That is very impressive, albeit frivolous. 

Dean’s hands slide further under Cas’ t-shirt, trying to raise it with them to take it off. Castiel jumps a whole step back, immediately admonishing himself for his own reaction. 

This time, Dean looks upset as he raises his hands in front of him and steps back too. 

“You know what? Nevermind. You’re obviously not ready, and I’m not-”

“No wait, please!!” Cas begs, firmly pushing his hands back on Dean’s abs. “I’m ready,” Castiel affirms. The other boy grabs his wrists, bringing his arms down. 

“No. You’re not,” Dean says firmly, mouth set in a line. “I don’t know why you’re trying to do this, man, but it’s obviously not for the right reasons, so I’m not doing it.”

“But…” Cas tries to protest. He stops himself when what happened suddenly dawns on him. He failed. Coïtus is one of the most basic instincts, any simpleton can manage to have intercourse, and he couldn’t. He’s not even able to do that one simple thing that anyone else can do. He feels his throat close up. He tries to take a deep breath but he can’t. He tries to look up at Dean, but he can’t do that either. “I’m sorry I wasted your time, Dean,” Cas declares miserably. 

“No, hey, it’s okay, it’s not-” Cas doesn’t hear what Dean says next, having already ran away. 

He’s already halfway home when he realizes he’s still barefoot. 

************

Castiel is lost in his thoughts, blaming himself for his idiocy and his incapability to act like a normal person, when he opens his front door and hears one of the voices he dreads the most. 

“You know I wouldn’t do this if I had any other choice, Jody, but we’re grasping at straws here,” Agent Henrikson is pleading. 

“He’s barely adjusting. How do you want him to live a normal life when you keep-” his foster mom is saying, audibly upset. 

“Hey kid,” Agent Henrikson interrupts her when he notices Castiel. He smiles at him, but Castiel doesn’t smile back. This is the last thing he needs right now. He already feels drained by this whole debacle with Dean, he can’t…

“Hi kiddo,” Jody salutes him with the same smile as the FBI Agent, friendly if tense. She comes to him like she’s going to hug him, but stops herself, contenting herself with a soft touch to his elbow, like she always does. “Where are your shoes?” she asks with a frown, always the perceptive cop. Castiel doesn’t answer, still looking at Henrikson who is starting to shuffle his feet, ill at ease under his scrutiny. Jody’s face is suddenly right in front of him, her hands squeezing his shoulders as she looks him over. “Are you okay? What happened?” she asks again, getting worried. “Did someone steal your shoes?” 

He knows it’s rude, yet Castiel ignores her, sidestepping her in favor or approaching agent Henrikson. 

“Do I need to look at more photos?” 

“Yes,” the FBI agent answers at the same time as Jody firmly says ‘No’ behind him. “I’m sorry, kiddo, but it’s really important.”

“Victor, can I talk to you in the kitchen?” Jody says, her voice so tight that it makes the FBI agent wince. It doesn’t sound like a request. 

Castiel turns to her with what he hopes is a reassuring look. 

“It’s okay,” he affirms, resolute, “It’s important. I can do it.”

He can’t, not without at least a week of nightmares after, but he’s getting good at hiding it. 

Agent Henriksen is right. It _is_ important. 

************

He wakes up covered in sweat and gasping for breath that night, memories of loud noises and blood still burning behind his eyelids for minutes after he’s awake. 

At least he doesn’t scream anymore, so no one will know.


	2. Eggplants and lions

**************

The next morning is a blur, because Castiel barely slept. He’s so haunted by his nightmares that he almost forgot all about Dean, until the jock is suddenly standing next to his table at lunch. 

He probably wouldn’t even have noticed if it wasn’t for his friends’ collective gasps of astonishment. He barely noticed that even they were here, to be honest. They know better than to try to talk to him when he’s in that kind of somber mood. They also seem to understand that leaving him by himself makes it last longer, because they generally stay by his side anyway. 

“Can we talk?” Dean asks, adjusting his bag on his shoulder. Its weight is straining the collar of his white t-shirt, exposing a hint of his shoulder. Castiel has a flash of touching the freckles there. It’s by far the best memory he’s had today, so he nods and follows Dean until they’re far enough away from everyone that nobody can hear them. He can still feel many eyes on them though. People are probably wondering why the most popular guy in school is talking to the local weirdo. 

Despite the fact that Dean was the one requesting to talk, he’s fidgeting, and doesn’t seem to know what to say. 

“It’s okay,” Castiel says, because it always seems to be what people want to hear him say. Dean squints at him like he doesn’t know what to make of that, before drawing his backpack to his front. He opens it and gives Cas a little bag from inside. He can see his shoes and socks inside. He’s not fond of what this reminder of his idiocy is making him feel. 

“It _ is _ ,” Dean affirms softly, planting his eyes in his. He’s not sure what he’s searching for or what it means, but Cas nods. Dean seems relieved. “Awesome.” He winks and goes back to his group of friends.

Castiel is very confused. He walks back to his own lunch table in a daze, dropping the bag on the table. Charlie is immediately peeking inside it. 

“What the hell was that?” she exclaims. She repeatedly points to the bag and Dean with both hands while Kevin Tran leans over the table to take a look in the bag. 

“Why did Dean Winchester have your shoes?” 

“Kinky,” Meg pipes up with a lascivious smile. 

Castiel sends Kevin and Meg a sideway look, pondering. He doesn’t know if he wants to talk about that in front of them. Kevin Tran is always sitting with them these days because his girlfriend has mono, and he doesn’t really have any friends. He’s in Charlie’s computer class, and nice enough that Cas doesn’t mind him most of the time, but they aren’t really friends. 

He’s still not sure why Meg is here again. It’s Charlie’s turn to tell her to go away. Charlie is way too nice though, and Cas is too polite. Sometimes he despairs that they’re never going to get rid of her. 

“So?” Charlie insists. 

Castiel sighs. He knows he doesn’t have a logical explanation other than the truth to give them. Even he realizes how humiliating that whole story actually is. 

“I went to Dean’s house to have sex yesterday.”

“What?” Kevin and Charlie both screams, making the whole cafetaria pause for a second to look at them in various degrees of curiosity, worry and dedain. Castiel can’t help but send a look to Dean’s table. Thankfully he and his friends seem to have left already. 

“Oh my god tell us everything,” Charlie says excitedly, as soon as the noise goes back up in the room. 

“I forgot my shoes there,” Castiel explains, pointing to the plastic bag. Those seem to be the essential points of the story and pretty self-explanatory. Except for the fact that he actually failed at having intercourse. And ended up running away shoelessly like a madman. 

“What? How? Why? How? What?” Charlie says, dumbfounded, and obviously not clear on what she wants to know. 

“I wanted to have intercourse, so I asked him, he said yes and...i’m not sure what amount of detail is appropriate in the retelling of that kind of tale,” he ponders. He’s not lying. Just not telling everything. 

“All the details. _ All of them _ ,” Meg demands with a lewd stare. He leans back when she leans toward him. 

“I don’t feel comfortable talking about this anymore,” Cas admits. That’s 100% the truth, and not just because Meg is scaring him. He gets up with his tray. “Next period is about to start, we should get to our designated classrooms,” he declares before running away. 

At least he has his shoes on this time. 

***********

Castiel is the first one sitting in his classroom. It’s admittedly still early, even for him. He gets his phone out and notices that he already has a dozen messages from Charlie, even though he left her approximately four minutes ago. Some of them are just many exclamation points. 

He’s not sure if she would badger him to know more or leave him to it if he were to just ignore her. She can be both quite an intrusive gossip, or very considerate, depending on the circumstances. 

In fact, he suspects Charlie knows more than she lets on about who he really is. He wouldn’t put it past her to have hacked the FBI to find out the truth, after the first time she crossed paths with agent Henrikson. Jody explained that Victor was a friend of the family, but Castiel isn’t comfortable with lying and avoided Charlie for days after that. Charlie never asked him about it, but a few weeks later she told him that her mom was in a coma and that her dad had way too many cats, so she knew something about having a weird family and was there to talk if he felt like it.

They’ve known each other for close to two years now, since the day he arrived in Junior High. Everyone immediately categorized him as a weirdo, and avoided him, like his difference was written in black letters on his forehead. 

Everyone except Charlie. 

She came to sit with him at lunch, and started talking to him like they’d known each other their whole life. She was always happy to share her knowledge and view on life, like there wasn’t anything weird in the fact that Castiel had never eaten tater tots, or had no idea what a cheerleader was. She never judged him for wearing a tie to school the first few months, or for putting so much gel into his hair, although she repeatedly expressed her happiness once he stopped doing both of those things. 

She never seems to judge, but always encourages him to try new things, never forcing him, pushing him just the right amount. She’s the one who introduced him to comic books, video games and movies, and while he rarely engages in those activities on his own, he loves sharing it with her.

Cas is interrupted in his thoughts by someone entering the classroom. He feels his heart picking up speed when he notices it’s Dean. He really thought they’d had their amount of interaction for the day already. 

Dean must think the same thing, because he seems to hesitate at the door, like he’s asking himself if he can still turn around and come back later, when they won’t be the only ones in the room. He must decide against it. He goes and sits two tables in front of Cas, on the row on the right of him.

The silence is heavy. Cas feigns being focused on his phone, even though he doesn’t know how to respond to Charlie who has started to send a bunch of question marks along with some obscure vegetables emoticons that he doesn’t get the meaning of. 

Dean isn’t in his usual slouch. Instead, he’s sitting straight, with his elbows on the edge of the table. He’s fidgeting with a pen. He looks like he’s still pondering his presence here. 

Dean turns around so brusquely that Cas jumps. He loses his grip on his phone, the noise of it falling on the table very loud in the heavy silence. 

“Can I ask you something?” Dean says, leaning sideway out of his chair. 

“You just did,” Castiel notes, matter of fact. 

Dean rolls his eyes in good humour. 

“Yeah, okay, smartass, something else?”

Castiel bits his lip but nods. 

“Are you going to try again?”

Castiel inclines his head, not comprehending. 

“Like, are you going to go up to another dude to ask for sex?” Dean explains, looking just left of Cas’ ear. 

“I don’t think so,” Cas admits, pondering. He didn’t really have time to think beyond his immediate failure. “I think I’d rather take a vow of celibacy for the rest of my days, actually,” he grumbles, feeling embarrassed just to think about it again. 

“Oh come one, it wasn’t  _ that  _ bad!” Dean reassures. “First time is awkward for everyone, believe me.”

“I don’t believe that actually counts as a first time,” Castiel corrects, feeling his neck warm up. 

“Better luck next time,” Dean declares with a wink. 

“Now I’m confused. Are you proposing we try again?”

“Heh, why not?” the jock answers with a shrug. “I mean, not like tomorrow or anything, but when you feel ready and want to try again, why not? I’d rather you come to me than to some stranger.”

“I think the fact we had never actually talked beforehand qualifies you as a stranger.” 

“Well, not anymore I’m not,” Dean affirms with a grin, puffing his chest. 

Cas can’t help but smile back, finding Dean’s demeanour quite endearing. 

“That’s very nice of you. Thank you, Dean. I’ll take note of that and reflect on it.”

“Yeah, okay, you do that,” Dean answers with a slight grimace, looking a little confused by Cas’ answer. With a weird hand gesture in Cas’ direction, he turns back forward as a group of other students enter the classroom. 

Cas just has time to send a quick text to Charlie before the class starts: 

_ “Dean said he wanted to have coïtus again and made a weird hand gesture, imitating shooting me with guns (I think). I’m not sure what it means.” _

To which Charlie immediately answers _ : “Ur babies r gonna be so pretty!!!!!” _

_ “You should pay more attention to your biology class, _ ” Cas replies with snark. He chuckles to himself at his answer, because as it turns out, Charlie is currently in her biology class so that comment was quite humorous of him. 

He only realizes hours later as he’s getting into bed, that he didn’t think about Agent Henriksen or the pictures he’d shown him for the rest of the day. 

Cas stays awake for a long moment, pondering if maybe that’s why people get so invested in things as frivolous as romantic relationships. It sure helped put a smile back on his own face today. 

************

“Do you want to have sex?” his therapist asks him a few days later as he finally finds the temerity to tell her the whole story. “Or do you think that it is your role as a teenager to be interested in sex?”

Now, that’s rude. He was expecting her to be glad that he was having frivolous preoccupation for the first time, not to question his whole endeavor. She’s the one that always encourages him to enjoy his high school experience after all. For once, he was trying to do exactly what she recommended. 

Oh. 

Okay, he might see where she’s going with that comment. 

“I’m not playing a role, I  _ am _ a teenager,” he responds, a little miffed. 

“Biologically speaking, yes. But teenagehood is generally associated with going through what we call adolescence. Do you know what an adolescent is, Castiel? What can define someone as one?”

“Being between ten and nineteen?” 

“No, that’s being a teenager . Adolescence is much more complex than that. It isn’t a physical state, it’s a mental one. It can’t be simply defined as being a certain age. Some people are adolescents much later than ten, some earlier, and some people are never allowed to fully experience it.”

Castiel glares at her, he hates when she asks questions then tells him there is no possible answer to that question. 

“That’s not what I wanted to talk about,” he says between clenched teeth. 

She pauses, looking at him like she’s stopping herself from saying something else. He wonders if she will dare to take a walk on that minefield today. It never ends well when she does. 

“Alright,” she concedes, crossing her legs and leaning back in her armchair. “What did you want to talk about?”

He continues to stare at her for a moment, wondering if he feels like talking about it anymore. But isn’t that part of what he realized? That talking about trivial things is good for him?

“How do I know I’m ready to have sex?”

“Do you feel ready to have sex?” 

Is she just going to parrot everything to him now? She seems to understand that she’s still getting on his nerves, because she explains. 

“Sex shouldn’t be about sex, especially at your age. It should be about feelings and desire for a specific person.”

“That sounds like your personal opinion, Miss Barnes,” he accuses, as politely as possible. He’s been raised better than to disrespect adults, even when they’re being assbutts. 

“Maybe it is. It’s also my advice as an ex-teenager and experienced lover.”

Castiel can’t help but grimace at hearing her call herself a ‘lover’. 

“Why Dean?” Miss Barnes questions. “You’ve never talked about him before. Yet, you chose him to be your first. Why?”

Castiel finds himself blushing. He hates it, nervously wiping at his cheeks with his sleeve like he can make it go away. 

“I don’t know,” he mumbles. 

“Why not April from the theater club? You told me about her once. You thought she was pretty and nice. Why not ask her?”

“I can’t just go up to her and ask her to have sex.” 

“But you can ask Dean? Even though you said you never talked to him before?”

Castiel shrugs. His shoulders brushing against the back of the couch makes him realize how much he’s slouched down into it. He straightens. 

“It’s just easier.”

“Did you know he was going to say yes? Did he ever show interest in you before?”

“I don’t think so,” Cas admits, pulling on the sleeve of his hoodie. 

“Then why is it easier?”

He sends her an annoyed look, crossing his arms and shrugging again. 

“It’s just...everyone knows that Dean is promiscuous.”

“So he’s a slut?” 

“No!” 

“You’re offended for him,” Miss Barnes reflects, observing him. “Yet that’s how you treated him by expecting him to sleep with you just because you asked nicely.”

“Well he said yes, so…”

“So he  _ is  _ a slut.” 

“No,” Cas insists, eyes dark. 

“Do you care about him?”

“I don’t  _ know  _ him.”

“Then why did you choose him?”

“I don’t know!” Castiel exclaims. His heart is beating fast in his chest. He has to concentrate again to relax his fist. 

“Well I see only two answers. Either you chose him to have sex because you knew he would say yes, or you asked him because you wanted him to say yes.”

“Those are the same things. And of course I wanted him to agree, I wouldn’t have asked him otherwise.”

“Did you want him to say yes, or did you want to have sex with him?”

“You’re giving me a headache,” Castiel grumbles.

“That means it’s working,” Miss Barnes answers with a wink. 

************

Castiel gets out of his therapy session much more confused, and much less convinced that romantic relationships are relaxing. 

What was that all about? He just wanted to have sex with someone. Why, when and with whom isn’t relevant. 

Why can’t Miss Barnes see that that in itself is a huge step for him? 

Hell, at his age, if he had stayed with his Father, he would probably be on his way to having his own children right now. The fact that he wants meaningless sex with an attractive man, with no reproductives goals in mind is proof that he’s on his way to being a normal teenager, with normal urges, and a normal life. 

Why can’t she just be proud and leave it alone?

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying this story. Tell me if you do, I'd love to hear about what you think.


	3. Welcome to the Singers'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to do some art for this story. Keep in mind that I'm not an artist and barely know how to use photoshop...but I like fics with fanart, so I'm trying to make some.

[ ](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/22/629t.jpg)

************

Castiel is sitting at lunch with Kevin, reflecting on how long it can possibly take for someone to get over mononucleosis. He has no idea what advanced placement is, but Kevin has been bragging about it for more than ten minutes. It’s becoming quite irritating. 

Cas inhales in relief when he sees Charlie approaching their table, along with a blonde girl that Cas has never seen before. 

“Guys, this is Jo. She’s in my AP Chemistry class. She’s cool,” Charlie announces with a strange giggle as the girls sit down. His friend looks unusually coy. 

“I am Castiel,” he says, extending his hand over the table. Jo sends a strange look to his hand, but shakes it anyway. 

“I’m Kevin. Are you taking AP Chemistry because you want to make a career in the research field?” Cas can’t help but roll his eyes discreetly. All Kevin seems to be able to talk about is his girlfriend, his mom, and College. Sometimes cello. Not that Castiel cares more about that than the other topics, but it does offer some much needed variation when it occasionally comes up. 

“No, I just like to blow stuff up,” Jo declares casually, popping a grape. 

Cas is opening his mouth to ask her if she’s being humorous or if he should be concerned, when Meg appears behind him, trailing her hands over his shoulders. 

“Hey lover,” she whispers in his ear, making him shiver, not in a good way. She pouts when she notices that with Jo there, their table of four doesn’t have a chair for her. Being that it’s Meg and she’s demented, she doesn’t take a chair from another table to sit with them or goes to sit elsewhere like she must know they all wish her to. No, she decides to sit sideway on his lap, an arm around his shoulder and wriggling way too much on his crotch. 

“Get off me, Meg,” Cas warns. 

“Ouh, worried your boyfriend is gonna get jealous, are you?” she teases, sending a small wave to their right. Cas blanches when he notices Dean at the other side of the cafetaria, looking at them with a slight frown. 

“Dean isn’t my boyfriend,” he grunts, trying to push her off to no avail. 

“Oh no right, you’re just two guys having hot steamy sex. Ouuh, speaking of steamy, did you ever do it in the shower? Tell us everything,” she encourages, lecherous. 

She suddenly screams and jumps off him when Jo pours her entire glass of coke right into Meg’s low neck top. As soon as she’s up, Cas pushes his chair as close to the table as possible so she can’t sit back. Thankfully she seems more concerned with her drenched top.

“What the fuck is your problem, bitch?” she screams at Jo, enraged. 

The blonde girl doesn’t seem intimidated. “You looked like you were getting a little too hot and bothered,” Jo says, with a sweet smile that contradicts the way her eyes are flashing dangerously. “Now why don’t you go read the definition of consent, you look like you need a reminder,” she dares, looking ready to get up and kick her ass. 

Meg’s glare is impressive. For a second, Cas thinks she’s going to attack Jo like some kind of feral feline, but she suddenly turns around and storms off, her heels clicking on the tiles as she stomps her feet in anger. 

Cas looks around, realizing the cafeteria has been silent all along. A few whoops resonates and then the normal hubbub starts again, like nothing happened. He sends a quick look toward Dean who seems to have gotten up in alarm, but hasn’t moved any closer. 

“Holy shitballs, that was amazing!” Charlie exclaims, elated, as Kevin enthusiastically nods his agreement. “Please never leave us again,” she begs, hugging the blonde girl's arm. 

Jo laughs a little, cheeks pinking. Cas agrees with Charlie’s supplication. Their life would be much easier with someone with Jo’s impudence by their side. 

“Why do you let her treat you like that?” Jo asks Castiel, voice softer. 

“Meg’s like a frigging pitbull with a bone,” Charlie despairs. 

“I’m the bone in this metaphor.” Cas points out wistfully. 

“Oh yeah, she's obsessed with Cas.” Kevin agrees. 

“You should just tell her to fuck off,” Jo advised, matter of fact. 

“We tried. Many times. It doesn’t work,” Cas says, gloomy. 

“Want me to punch her?” Jo offers with a smirk. “I kinda want to punch her.”

“Can I watch?” Charlie pipes up enthusiastically. She doesn’t wait for an answer and starts telling them all a tale about how this could happen. 

While Charlie chatters, Cas can’t help but send a quick look to Dean’s table again. The jock doesn’t seem to be looking at them anymore. He was probably just interested because Meg was acting like a psycho anyway.

Despite him trying to be discreet about it, Jo seems to follow his eyes. 

“So. You’re sleeping with Dean, huh,” she states, as soon as Charlie finishes her story. 

“Not presently,” he notes. Still not a lie. 

“Cas accidentally confessed to it a few days ago and refuses to tell us more since,” Charlie despairs. 

“I do like a man that doesn't kiss and tell,” Jo approves.

“You do?” Charlie asks, dejected. From the way she’s been looking at Jo with stars in her eyes, Cas would guess that she has a crush and isn’t thrilled at Jo stating she likes men. 

“I can’t believe my cousin didn’t tell me he was banging you,” Jo says, sending a reproachful look to Dean’s table, like it’s a great offense not to divulge the identity of any person you’re having coïtus with to your family. 

“Dean is your cousin?!” Kevin exclaims. “Oh my god, tell us _everything_ about him,” he adds, eyes huge with excitation. He's been worshipping Dean like the jock is some kind of vigilante from one of Charlie’s comic books since Dean stopped another jock named Gordon Walker from stuffing Kevin into his own locker. A fight in which Dean ended up kicking Gordon’s ass ensued. Nobody has dared bully Kevin again since. 

“No, weirdo. I’m not telling you shit, that’s creepy. Why is everyone in this damn school so obsessed with Dean anyway?” she retorts, seeming disgusted by the idea. 

Castiel wholefully agrees that it’s time for a change of topic. 

“How come we’ve never seen you before?” he asks with that purpose in mind. 

“I’ve just moved here with my dad.” 

She looks like she wants to say more, but sends a quick look in Dean’s direction and doesn’t. Castiel isn’t a gossip, but he’s definitely intrigued by that. 

“To what purpose?” he insists.

“Why the fuck do you care,” Jo says. It doesn’t sound like a question and it’s not said meanly, but it does send the message to shut up about it so Cas says no more. This girl has a very peculiar way of acting, both very aggressive and yet non-threatening. Well, except to Meg. It’s very unsettling. 

“I’m happy you’re here,” Charlie says sweetly, “this group needed another girl.” 

“But not Meg,” Kevin points out. 

“I concur,” Cas aggrees. 

“Why do you talk weird like that?” Jo asks frankly. 

“Why doesn't your shirt cover your navel?” Castiel retorts automatically. 

“What did you say about my shirt?!” She is suddenly standing, leaning toward him over the table in a very threatening manner. Cas points to her midsection exposed by her crop top and low hanging jeans, cowed. 

“He means belly button,” Charlie explains, taking Jo’s arm to make her sit back. Jo squints at him as she sits back. “That was rude, Cas,” she reprimands.

Cas can’t help but lower his eyes, chastised. 

“Nah, it’s okay,” Jo finally dismisses, “I was rude too,” she concedes, offering him an apologetic smile. He smiles back faintly. 

They might need some time to tame each other, but Cas already likes her. 

************

From then on, Jo becomes an integral part of their little group, while Kevin’s girlfriend comes back, rendering the other boy’s presence at their lunch table more occasional. 

Despite a chair now being free again, Meg never came back to sit with them, which makes Castiel really glad about Jo’s company. He also likes that she’s smarter than she looks, even if she’s more a scientist than bookish. In fact, she’s pretty much his opposite; speaking crudely, frankly, and not giving a crap about most anything. Somehow they still manage to get along pretty well. 

“I think she can be good for me,” Cas admits to Miss Barnes the next week. “She pushes me out of my comfort zone.”

“And you want to be pushed out?” the therapist asks. 

“Not always, but sometimes I think I should,” Cas reflects, “Charlie does it too, but she’s always scared to push too hard. Jo doesn’t give a fuck.”

The therapist actually recoils in shock at hearing Castiel swear. 

“She definitely has an influence on you,” she teases, chuckling. “Make sure she doesn’t push you too far, or Jody might kick her ass.”

“Jody always swears. I think she would like it if I did it more often.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Miss Barnes scoffs. “So, this girl. Are you attracted to her?”

“I suppose she is attractive, but she has more of an effect on Charlie than on me so I wouldn’t dare be too untoward to her,” he ponders. “She’s Dean’s cousin too, so that’s probably not appropriate.”

“Dean, huh?” the therapist says with a raised eyebrow. “How _is_ Dean by the way?” she asks with a too sweet smile. 

“I haven’t conversed with Dean furthermore since our last appointment.”

“Do you plan to?”

“Not at the moment, no.”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t have much to tell him. I don’t think we share many interests. I’m not even sure what sport it is he’s playing.”

“You’re telling me you’ve been in that school for two years now, and still have no idea what the most popular sport is?”

“It never seemed relevant. Although, Jo invited us to watch a game at her house on Saturday, maybe it’s the same sport?”

“What game?”

“I didn’t ask. Was it impolite not to do so?” Cas worries. “I should probably know so I can inform myself on the rules of the game beforehand. Maybe learn a few key points of the game's history to be able to hold a conversation on the subject.” Cas reflects out loud.

“I don’t think it’ll be necessary, Castiel. Unless you want to do it, of course.”

“I didn’t even want to go, but Charlie said it would be rude not to,” he pouts. 

“That’s a good thing, Castiel. Going out on a Saturday with a bunch of friends. That’s great!” Miss Barnes encourages. 

Castiel doesn’t see how anything about spending an afternoon watching a sport he doesn’t understand or care about on tv could possibly be great, but he doesn’t protest. He wonders if it would be considered impolite to bring a book. 

************

Jody doesn’t let him take his book with him, so Castiel is pouting as he rings the doorbell of Jo’s house. A man with a beard and a prominent belly opens the door. 

“Hello Mr Singer. My name is Castiel, I’m one of your daughter’s fellow high schoolers.”

Bobby Singer makes that face that people always seem to do the first time Castiel talks to them, before shaking his head. 

“Damn, she wasn’t kidding about you. Name’s Bobby. Come on.” 

Without waiting, he turns around and Castiel follows him to the living room, head inclined as he wonders why Mr Singer thought Jo had lied about him. What could she have said that sounded so untruthful or humorous? 

There’s a little boy on the couch, nose buried in a book. Castiel feels cheated. Why does _he_ get to read a book? 

Bobby sits next to the boy, ruffling his mop of brown hair under the immediate protest of the kid. He leans against Mister Singer’s side though, extending his legs and propping his feet on the armrest sideways to get comfortable against the older man. 

“That’s Sam,” Bobby introduces with a nod toward the kid.

The boy looks up, only now noticing the teenager standing awkwardly on the living room’s doorway. He sends him a quick smile of salutation and Cas waves at him, but the boy’s attention is already back on his book.

“I hope you eat meat, because ain’t no tofu gonna be touching my barbecue,” Bobby announces. 

Castiel squints for a moment, mostly because he has no idea what tofu is. 

“I’m okay with that, sir,” Cas says. 

“Don’t you go sir me, I’m Bobby and that’s that. Now go grab something to drink,” Bobby instructs, indicating a door to his left with his beer. 

Castiel hesitates for a second. It feels weird just going alone to a stranger’s kitchen and helping himself. He’s on the verge of saying that he’s not thirsty just to avoid it, when Bobby speaks again, his voice sounding less patient.

“Go on then. And you better not touch my beer. I may be older and fatter than you, but I can still kick your ass.” 

“Yes, sir.” Castiel responds, intimidated.

The look Bobby sends him at being called “sir” again makes him mumble a quick sorry and shuffle fastly in the direction of the kitchen. 

He’s stopped short on the threshold of the kitchen when the first thing he sees looks like a flashback from weeks ago. Dean is standing in front of the kitchen’s glass door, blasted by sunlight as he drinks from a beer bottle. His Adam's apple and his neck are doing that damn thing where they seem to catch Cas’ eyes and renders him unable to look away. Dean’s eyes turn onto him. He suddenly sputters and starts coughing. 

“Bobby said no beer.” Cas says, dumbly. 

“Shhhh,” Dean says, grabbing his arm to drag him forward into the kitchen and sending a look over his shoulder to make sure his uncle hasn’t heard.

His uncle. Jo is Dean’s cousin. His presence here actually makes more sense than Cas’.

“What are you doing here?” Dean asks, visibly startled. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you would be here,” Cas tries to defend. “Jo invited me.”

“It’s okay. I just wasn’t expecting to see you,” Dean says, scratching the back of his neck.

“I can go,” Cas offers, feeling ill at ease. 

“Why would you do that?” Dean asks. He doesn’t wait for an answer though and starts gulping back the rest of his beer before throwing it in the bin and opening the fridge. “Is Sprite okay?”

“I’ve never tried it,” Cas says, distracted because he’s still trying to answer the first question in an appropriate manner. “Dean, I don’t know if I should be h-”

He stops when he sees Dean looking at him like he’s grown another head. He self-consciously touches his hair, but no, nothing weird there, just hair.

“How have you never tried Sprite? What planet did you grow up on?” Dean asks, astounded.

“Oh,” Castiel says, realizing his mishap. He generally avoids telling people that kind of thing. 

He discovered people react weirdly to his unfamiliarity with things they consider basic the day he confessed to Jody that he never had ice cream. He was twelve and she made him have ice cream every day for two months straight, like it could somehow make up for it. While he appreciated the intention, all it actually did was give him stomach ache and mild diarrhea.

Thankfully, Charlie and Jo choose this moment to appear, because Dean is looking at him like the fact that he was alien would actually explain everything about Castiel. Cas already had this debate with Charlie. He won’t try to argue that he’s not actually from outer space for a whole hour, not again. 

Charlie jumps on his back. He’s getting so used to her energy that he automatically catches her legs and doesn’t overbalance. She plants a loud kiss on his cheek. 

“I was like 89% convinced you wouldn’t come. I’m glad you’re here, Cas,” she says, squeezing him harder and laying her cheek on the back of his shoulder. He smiles affectionately at her over his shoulder.

When he looks back to Dean, the jock seems to be having a whole conversation with Jo using only their eyebrows. 

They’re interrupted by the little boy from earlier literally tackling Dean. The teen must be used to it, because he barely sways at the impact, just squeezing Sam’s shoulders. He smiles as the boy takes his hand and starts dragging him in the direction of the living room. 

“Come on, Dean, you’re gonna miss the beginning of the game.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming, Sammy, give me a sec!” Dean protests. The little boy rolls his eyes but drops Dean’s arm and goes back to the living room. “Keep me a spot on the couch!” Dean yells after him. 

“Move your feet, lose your seat!” Sam yells back. 

Cas frowns at the strange language, before yelping, nearly falling on his ass when Jo starts running toward the living room, littleraly plucking Charlie from his back as she passes by them and dragging the red head with her. 

“Damn, they’re gonna take all the best seats!” Dean moans with a raised fist. 

“Sorry,” Cas apologizes.

Dean already seems over his disappointment, grabbing a glass from the cupboard and turning back toward the fridge. 

“Here. Try it,” Dean says a moment later, sliding a glass of what looks like bubbly water toward him. 

Cas takes it, looking at it with mild mistrust. He takes a sniff and immediately grimaces when it tickles his nose. Dean chuckles. 

“Come on, it won’t kill you, I promise,” Dean teases. 

Cas takes a sip and makes a face. Then takes another sip, a little bigger. 

“So, you like it?” Dean asks, expectant. 

“It’s very sweet and...tickles,” Cas notes, inclining his head. 

“Awesome. Come on!” Dean grabs his arm, nearly making him overturn the whole glass on himself as he drags him to the living room. What is it with this family and manhandling people? 

When they arrive in the living room, Bobby and Sammy are on the couch while Jo and Charlie are squeezed on one of the armchairs, a fact that Charlie seems really happy about. One armchair is left. 

A one person seat. 

Castiel looks around, thinking that he can maybe find a chair somewhere to sit on. He’s even okay with the ground if needed. Before he can make that offer though, Dean is dragging him (again!) toward the armchair. Everyone screams at them when they pass in front of the tv. Cas is so startled by it that he barely reacts when Dean pushes him into the armchair. 

The next instant, he’s

sitting really really close to the jock, their whole sides squeezed against one another in a mildly uncomfortable way. They both wriggle for a moment, trying to get comfortable. Somehow, they end up with Dean’s arm on the back of the couch, behind Cas’ shoulders. Castiel’s hand is on Dean’s knee, because his own leg is somewhere under Dean’s, and there is just nowhere else to put his hand at this point. 

Even though he has to admit that it seems to be the only position in which there is no elbow poking his ribs uncomfortably, it’s still highly distressing. Castiel isn’t used to such close proximity. He feels like he can feel Dean’s pulse beating in all the places that they’re touching.

There are a lot of them. 

It’s dizzying. He can smell Dean’s deodorant, the beer on his breath and a mysterious odor that his brain has already started to associate with Dean. Just Dean. 

He sends a nervous look to the other man and finds him grinning toothly at him. His face is very close. Cas goes right back to looking in the general direction of the television, his cheeks flaming hot. 

“Aw, aren’t you two adorable,” Bobby mocks, followed by Charlie awwing and Jo cackling. The little boy is just observing them with a stare that doesn’t seem entirely amicable. 

The first twenty minutes are excruciating. Cas is so tense that he gets actual cramps in his neck and lower back. He has no idea who's winning on tv, or who he’s supposed to be wishing to win. From the rhythm of everyone’s yell, he would say the red ones, but he has no idea what states or town or country that team is supposed to represent. 

Dean doesn’t seem as bothered by their proximity as Castiel is. He just puts a bowl of chips on their lap and munch happily as he watches the game. 

If Jo is Castiel’s contrary, Dean is a whole ass mystery. Nothing he does is ever what Castiel expects of him and he can’t make sense of it. 

After a while, his body starts relaxing despite his mind still being in turmoil. Like Dean can feel him sag against him, he puts his arm around his shoulder properly instead of the couch. He even squeezes him a little around the neck, ruffling his hair happily when what is apparently the good team scores (not the red one as it turned out). 

When Cas looks up at Dean, the jock beams at him, before putting the bowl of chips under his nose. Castiel can’t help but smile shyly back, because that guy sure is enticing. He starts relaxing a little more, only jumping when the Singer family’s howling at the screen gets really loud. Now he knows who Jo takes her foul language from, he reflects, gazing wide eyed at Bobby after a particularly vitriolic comment. 

He looks around and everyone seems focused on the tv, except Charlie who looks like a kid with free reign in a candy store, cuddled against Jo’s side. She sends him a wink when their eyes meet.

The next time the Singer family yells, Charlie is yelling right along with them, her insults often making absolutely no sense (what’s a “three legged buttless monkey”?). She’s cackling, overjoyed by it. He can’t help but start laughing too as the three other teens start catching on and doing the same. Sam has a very vivid and troubling imagination for his age. 

They seem to be making a game out of who will shout the most ridiculous things, while Bobby looks slightly bothered that they’re not taking this seriously. Dean pokes him a few times in the thigh, raising gleefully his eyebrows in invitation for Cas to play along. Castiel has no idea what to say. When Dean insists again a few minutes later, all he can come up with is “assbutt” which, judging from Bobby's dark look, he managed to yell at the wrong team, provoking a burst of giggles from his fellow teenagers. In the end, he can’t help but laugh with them. 

As soon as the game is over, Bobby storms out, muttering about damn kids that respect nothing nowadays. 

“Sam, come help me light up the barbecue!” Bobby yells a second later. Sam scrambles to follow him. 

“He’s just grumpy because his team lost,” Dean explains when Cas looks at the little boy going with a slight frown of worry. 

“He‘s just grumpy because he’s Bobby,” Jo corrects.

“I heard that!” Bobby yells from the kitchen before a door slams closed. 

They all burst out laughing again. 

When they stop, the silence isn’t uncomfortable. 

Castiel looks at Jo and Charlie whispering about the little Spongebobs’ painted on Charlie’s nails. They’re both sitting sideways on the armchair, in reverse so they can face each other. After a while, looking at nails seems to become an excuse to play with each other’s hands.

Cas suddenly feels like an intruder watching them. He squirms and realizes he’s still sitting practically on Dean's lap even though there’s a whole empty couch just beside them now. 

When he looks up, his eyes immediately meet Dean’s. The light is low because they closed the drapes, and he regrets not being able to see the color of Dean’s eyes properly. He has such nice eyes. 

The girls giggle, making Cas jump a little, blushing and turning away from their long stare exchange. He tries to get up, but a hand on his shoulder stops him. He shivers when he feels Dean’s breath on the shell of his ear. 

“Wanna go make out?” Dean whispers.

At those words spoken so low, Cas feels a flash of electricity from the point of his toes to his hair. All he can do is nod in response, eyes like saucers. Dean smiles and pushes them both up with an energetic hip move. Cas barely lands on his feet, only the other boy’s hands on his hips keeping him upward. 

The girls look up at them. Cas avoids their stares, beet red as Dean takes his hand to guide him out of the living room. He thinks Dean must have wink at them because the girls whistle and giggle again. 

Dean brings him to a bedroom upstairs. 

It’s stashed with cardboard boxes, and the walls are blank, reminding him that Jo moved here only about a month ago. There are two single beds that look like they’ve been used recently. Cas wonders if Jo has other siblings that he hasn’t seen yet. Would they be okay with Cas and Dean being in their room?

He doesn’t have time to ask, gasping as his back is pushed against the door as soon as it closes. Dean’s lips are on his neck and Cas can’t help but raise his chin because the sensation they produce are really pleasant. Castiel grabs the other boy's upper arms and squeezes, appreciating the firmness of his biceps. He’s suddenly reminded of those beautiful speckles on Dean's skin. He pulls the shirt on one side until he can see them on the other boy’s shoulder. Yeah. There they are. Whole constellations. 

His view is suddenly obstructed when Dean’s face appears just in front of him, so close that their noses are nearly touching. He shivers when he feels the other boy’s breath on his lips. 

“Have you ever been kissed, Cas?” Dean whispers.

Cas’ legs don’t seem to be able to cooperate anymore. The jock keeps him upright by bringing his hips against his, sliding a thigh between Cas’ legs. The boy can’t find his voice so he just shakes his head, eyes a little too round, pupils a little too black. So are Dean’s.

“Do you want to?” Dean asks, cocky.

Cas' eyes slides to Dean’s lips and it suddenly feels like he’s never wanted anything more in his life so he nods, wordless. 

He takes a breath and the next thing he knows, Dean’s lips are on his. Who knew that his lips touching others could feel so intense? He feels warm all over, like there’s a fire burning under his skin, like he’s never needed anything more than he needs Dean’s lips on his right now. 

“Dean, bring your ass down there right now, or I swear to God!” Bobby’s gruff voice resonates suddenly, making Cas startle and hit his head against the door behind him.

Dean laughs quietly, his forehead on Cas’ shoulder for a moment before his hand slid from Castiel’s hips all the way to the back of his head, leaving a thrilling trail on its way. He touches Cas’ hair gently for a moment, feeling for a bump and looking him over, searching for a sign of pain. 

He seems satisfied when he finds none, taking a step back. Cas can’t help but shiver when the fresh air takes over the space where Dean’s body was just pressed against him. He can’t seem to make his fists release the grip they have on the front of Dean’s shirt. 

“Worst timing ever, right?” Dean chuckles, bashful.

Cas doesn’t know if he’s talking about them or just him or Bobby. It doesn’t really matter, so he nods, acquiescing to all of them. 

“Dean, for God’s sake, if you’re not here in ten seconds I’m coming to get you myself, and you’re not gonna like the part I’m going to be dragging you out by!”

_************_

That afternoon, Castiel is having such a good time listening to the others endlessly teasing each other, that he doesn’t even think to look at the time. 

The sun is shining, the food is delicious and Dean’s leg is pressed against his, his hand regularly coming to rest casually on Cas’ thigh. Castiel has never felt so light before. He’s enjoying every second of it. 

“Bobby?” A voice suddenly comes, making them all look up from their burgers. 

“Jody?” Bobby responds, as surprised as Cas’ foster mom looks. 

She’s standing at the garden’s gate, eyes round and mouth opened. “What the heck are you doing here?” she says, walking toward their table with a big smile, still looking bewildered.

“What am I doing here? What are _you_ doing here!?” Bobby exclaims back with a big grin as he goes to meet her midway. “I thought you moved out west after the whole debacle with the- Oh” Bobby pauses with a frown, his smile instantly disappearing. He sends a quick look back at the table, his eyes falling on Castiel in what seems to be dismay, before he visibly shakes himself out of it and turns back to Jody. “Does this old man deserve a hug from his favorite Sheriff or what?” he exclaims joyously.

“Deserve, no, but you’re definitely getting one, old man.” Jody exclaims, laughing too as they embrace each other. 

“Come on, come grab a burger, there’s plenty for everyone!” he invites when they finally release each other. 

“You know I never say no to one of your burgers, Bob," Jody accepts, coming to sit on the bench next to Castiel.

She squeezes his knee as she sits down and sends him a look, checking silently if he’s okay. He knows that as delighted as she looks at seeing what sounds like a friend from her old life, she would drive them right home without any hesitation at any sign of distress on Cas’ face.

He beams at her, mouth full of burger and she smiles back, seeming reassured.

A plate with a huge burger is put in front of her, and Jody’s smile grows larger, radiant. Cas has never seen her like this. She moved her whole life away from everyone she has ever known for him. She’s never happy anymore. 

Cas is taken back from those sadder thoughts by a knee knocking against his, from his other side. He turns toward Dean, startling when he sees a hand pass right under his nose to get to Jody. 

“Hi, ma’am. I’m Dean, and this is my little brother Sammy,” he introduces, shaking her hand in front of Cas’ nose and pointing at Sam. 

“It’s _Sam,_ ” the boy corrects, sending a pointed look in Dean’s direction as he gets up to shake Jody’s hands over the table. 

“Nice to meet you, boys.” Jody smiles. “I’m Sheriff Jody Mills. I used to live in the same town as this old man over there.” She grabs Cas’ shoulders and squeezes them affectionately. “I’m also the caretaker of this handsome fella over here,” she finishes proudly, ruffling his hair as Castiel grimaces and blushes at the remark.

“I remember you from Sioux Falls. You put my dad in the drunk tank once,” Jo announces with a cheeky grin. 

“Oh my god, is that little Jo?” Jody exclaims, looking over at Bobby. “How the hell did your ugly mug produce a girl that pretty?”

They all laugh as Bobby grumbles. 

“And, sweety, that happened way more than once,” Jody adds. “Hell, your mom used to call me to rat him out herself when he was making a fool outta himself at the Roadhouse,” Jody tells them, laughing. “Where is Ellen anyway?” she exclaims, looking around like she’s expecting this woman to come back out the door any minute. 

“Still at the same place as you’ve last seen her, I’d gather,” Bobby grunts.

“She stayed in Sioux Fall?” Jody asks, looking surprised.

“She kicked dad out,” Jo quipes, not seeming bothered about her parents’ separation. 

“Well she had to regain her senses at some point,” Bobby explains with a rough laugh. 

“Oh, Bob, I’m so sorry. You two were so great together,” Jody says sincerely, squeezing the older man’s hand on the table. 

“Nah,” Bobby dismisses, taking a huge gulp of his beer. “The only good thing we ever did together was this one,” he says, pointing at Jo with his beer. “Thank god she takes after her mom the most, or we would have fucked that up too,” he explains, affectionately pinching his daughter’s cheek as Jo blushes. 

“That’s not true, Jo has the same pretty eyes as you, Uncle Bobby,” Sam pipes up with an exaggerated grin. 

“Yeah, I know why you’re saying that you little scoundrel, but well played, go on up, you can have another patty,” Bobby teases, pushing the plate of burgers toward Sam who grin and shake a fist in victory. “He’s the smartest of the lot, this one,” Bobby says proudly. 

“Hey!” Jo and Dean both exclaims, outraged. 

************

They end up staying for a while longer after that, and it’s the best day Cas has had in a very long time. Probably ever, but he doesn’t want to ruin his mood by making comparisons with his past. 

It’s been only Jody and him for so long now that it felt good to have so many people around him laughing, chatting and not really caring about who could hear them, or about slipping up and saying something improper. Those people were anything but proper. It was both destabilizing and exhilarating. 

He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, looking at the pictures Charlie took along the day and sent to his phone, when Jody comes to sit next to him. 

“It’s good to see you smile,” she says, gently knocking her shoulder against his. 

“It was a good day.” 

They exchange a smile before they settle, shoulder against shoulder to look at the pics silently scrolling on Cas’ phone. Cas blushes when they’re suddenly looking at a pic of Dean and him all snuggled up on the armchair. 

Jody makes a noise that doesn’t sound like approval, and sits a little straighter. Cas immediately sobbers up, sensing some kind of serious conversation coming. 

“I talked to Bobby,” Jody says, sending a pointed look to the phone screen between Cas’ hands. “He said you and Dean looked pretty cosy together. Do you want to tell me about that?”

“Not really.” 

“Eh, I’m not gonna force you, kid. I just want you to know that you can talk to me. Or Pamela. I don’t want you to feel like you need to keep it a secret.”

“I told Miss Barnes about it.” 

“Okay.” She nods but looks a little disappointed. “I’m glad.” She leans over and plants a kiss on his temple. She gets up and is nearly out the door when she stops and groans in frustration. “No sorry, I have to say it. I want to support you, you know I always do,” she says softly, “but I don’t think that dating Dean is a good idea,” she finally admits, almost reluctantly. 

“We’re not dating,” Cas defends, piqued 

“Yeah, well, whatever you teens are doing or calling it these days,” Jody dismisses. “I just-” She takes a breath and comes closer, crouching in front of him and taking his hands. “I don’t think you’re ready, Cas.” 

Castiel scowls. She squeezes his hands harder, keeping them in hers. 

“You’re doing so good, sweety, you’ve made so much progress, I just don’t want this to set us back. A relationship, especially at your age, it’s a lot of feelings and turmoils, and it’s very complicated. And I hate to say it, I really do, but I don’t think you’re ready, honey.”

Cas bites the inside of his cheek, feeling tears that he doesn’t want to shed burning his eyes.

“You said I could have a normal life. YOU said it,” he bites out, voice strangled. 

“I know. And you _will_ ,” Jody assures, “but you need to take it one step at a time, kiddo, you can’t just go all out with this.”

“What do you know?” he says with a glare. She pauses for a second before looking back at him, earniest. 

“What did Miss Barnes have to say about it?” she asks gently. 

Cas’ avoids her eyes, jaw working with anger. She seems to take it as an answer. 

“You have to trust us on this, Castiel. Please,” she begs, shaking his hands until he looks back at her. “We’ve worked too hard to come this far. You’re in a better place than you’ve ever been. You have friends,you’re doing well at school. Hell, you’ve just had your first outing with friends today, that’s huge, kid!” she encourages, “but you need to take one step at a time. It’s all...relationships are hard. For _everyone_. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. I don’t want you to go back to-” she doesn’t finish, passing a hand through his hair instead. 

She does that sometimes, when she needs to remind herself that he’s okay, like the fact that he has hair on his head means that he’s doing better. It’s probably true, because the last time he didn’t have hair, everything was horrible. 

“How about I come with you on Monday? We can talk this over with Pamela.” 

“No,” he answers, shaking his head to dismiss her hand. “It’s okay. I get it. I’m not real enough yet.”

“That’s not-”

“But it _is_. I can’t even talk like a proper boy. It’s a miracle anyone even wants to be my friend. I’m just the weirdo that-”

“You stop right now,” Jody orders, jaw clenched. “That’s not what I’m saying, and you know it.”

“Do I?” 

They stare at one another. If they have one thing in common, it’s their stubborness.

“Well, I’m responsible for you, and you’re a minor. I don’t like to play that card, but I will if it’ll prevent you from making a mistake.”

“So I’m not old enough to choose who I want to be with, but I’m old enough to look at pictures of dead people? Good job, _mom_ ,” he says the last word in such a harsh way that even he flinches, realizing too late that he went too far. He never calls her that, and they both know he’ll never call her that. She’s not his mom, someone else is; Just like somebody else used to be Jody’s son. Both those people are gone now and they’re all that is left behind. 

Castiel doesn’t apologize, even if he knows he should. 

“We’ll talk about it on Monday,” she declares, nodding to herself as she wipes her eyes. She’s not holding his hands anymore. She gets up, sniffing and closes the door without saying good night. 

************

That night, he dreams of dark hair and blue eyes on a dozen different faces around him. Some are scared but most are resigned. When he looks at the ground, he only sees red and his own blue eyes looking back at him, devoid of life. 

He hears the shrilling sounds of his mother screaming a name as she’s dragged away. 

  
_Jimmy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam is younger in this story. He's about 10 whereas Dean is 17. 
> 
> The next chapter is shorter, but with more angst, I will post it on Wednesday. The next one after that is longer, with even more angst. I've edited the tags and will do it one chapter at a time. 
> 
> Did you like it? Did you like the fluff? Are you intrigued? Do you want to hit me right now?
> 
> Tell me everything! :-)
> 
> Also, would you like it if I gave you the title of the next chapter in the notes at the end of each one?


	4. The prompter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said that I would post on Wednesdays (and weekend), I forgot to mention that I was talking about MY Wednesday. I generally post around 5 or 6 PM on Paris time, since I'm french. Depending on where you live, it could mean that you'll see this on Tuesday....or Thrusday. Sorry for the confusion!

************

“No freaking way, Victor!” Castiel hears Jody scream as he’s getting downstairs on the next day.

Cas stops instantly, knowing that’s another conversation he’s not supposed to hear. He sits on the steps and listens anyway. 

“I don’t give a fuck about what your boss says, he’s sixteen years old, you can’t keep asking him to do your job!”

Jody sounds angry. She always does those days when she talks to Agent Henriksen. Castiel doesn’t blame the FBI agent. He hates seeing him, and what that generally entails, but Victor is a nice guy, he always seems to feel bad about it. 

“Well, I’m legally responsible for him and I’m saying no. Not this time,” Jody says firmly. “Don’t you dare threaten me, Victor Henrikson, or I swear I’m going to come back to Washington right now and kick your ass until my foot comes out your mouth.”

Jody is scary. He forgets about how much sometimes. She’s a fierce lady that no one should ever mess with. He doesn’t feel like listening anymore though, because he knows she’s doing this for him, and might get in trouble with the authorities because of it. Plus, he’s supposed to be pissed at her, and her defending him so fiercely isn’t helping. 

He gets up and goes on his tiptoes to the front door. He sits on the porch’s steps and waits.

From here, he can hear the tone of her voice, but not her words. He doesn’t need to hear them to know what generally comes next. She’s fighting a fight that they all know she can’t win, probably shouldn’t win, yet she never stops trying.

It’s no surprise when she comes to sit beside him and sighs, sounding defeated. 

“It’s okay. I can do it,” Cas reassures, like he always does. It’s automatic by now. He doesn’t think she believes him, but he still feels better with the lie than the silence. The truth is not conceivable. 

“I did what I could, but…”

“I know you do, Jody,” he affirms and it sounds like a pardon. Maybe it is, God knows she only ever tries to help him. From the moment Jody found him surrounded by dead bodies, put a useless hand on his eyes and her jacket on his shoulders, all she ever did was try to protect him, to help him. “You always do,” he admits, trying to smile. He’s not sure he succeeds, but she seems touched anyway.

************

Their appointment with his therapist isn’t really useful. He understands what Jody is saying, as well as what she’s not saying. He doesn’t know if she’s right, but he knows that he owes her, so he’ll do it. Whatever was or was going to be between him and Dean is over. 

Everyone says he’s not ready for that anyway. 

************

Despite everything, Castiel can’t help but smile when he arrives at lunch to Jo and Charlie making out at their table. Sure, it’s unbecoming, because that’s where food is, and that’s not proper, but he’s happy for them. He ignores the little pinch of jealousy in his heart. 

He sits down and waits for them to notice him, which they don’t seem to do. 

“Rude,” he mutters. He’s nearly missing Kevin right now. Thankfully, they do stop kissing before he can lose his appetite. “I’m guessing the rest of your weekend was enjoyable?” he teases the girls, as Charlie steals an apple off his tray. 

“At least we didn’t traumatize Bobby by doing it with him right under the window,” Charlie teases, biting into the apple with a grin. 

“No, we traumatized Charlie’s father by doing it in her room while he was in the living room,” Jo corrects, smirking cheekily. They actually high five, it’s revolting. 

“I did _not_ want to know that about my cousin.” They look up to see Dean standing there with a disgusted look on his face. 

“If you knew the number of things I know about you that I wish I could bleach out of my brain…” Jo responds, gagging. Dean sends her a smirk before turning to Cas. 

“Can I see you for a minute?” Dean asks, looking eager. 

“Of course,” Cas responds, even though that’s the last thing he wants to do right now. He knows he has to tell Dean that they can’t kiss again. He has no idea how to approach that conversation.

Castiel follows Dean anyway as he leads him toward the Chem Labs. Cas frowns, dubitative, when Dean closes the door of the empty classroom and steps closer to him. 

“Hello,” Cas says, confused by their new location. Does Dean need help with his Chemistry homework? 

“Hey,” Dean says with a charming smile. He takes a step even closer but stops when Cas backs up, tense. Dean frowns, taking back the hand he just put on the other boy’s hip. “Everything okay?” he asks, worried. 

“I don’t think we should kiss again,” Cas blurts out. Better rip the metaphorical band aid right away. “You were right, I’m not ready,” he admits, not pointing out that that seems to be everyone’s opinions. 

“You seemed pretty ready on Saturday,” Dean teases, even though his smile is showing insecurity. 

“It was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened,” Castiel says, reciting a few of the lines he found on the internet. Google was really helpful with his predicament. 

“We can go slow if you-” Dean starts. His eyes are tender, his tone reassuring and Cas knows he can’t listen to it because the last thing he wants to be doing right now is saying to Dean exactly what he’s saying. 

“I’m not interested anymore,” Castiel lies, avoiding Dean’s eyes. “It’s okay, you have plenty of other lovers anyway, right?” he adds, not meanly. Dean may look sad, but their flirt didn’t have the same importance for him as it did for Cas. Castiel was just another fling to Dean, whereas Dean has always represented all that Castiel could never dare to have or be, Cas realizes suddenly. 

“Lovers?” Dean repeats bleakly. “What the hell do you mean?”

Cas shrugs, planting his nails into his fist to stop himself from going back on his decision. When he looks up Dean looks both hurt and pissed. Cas bites the inside of his cheeks and tries to stop himself from looking at his own shoes. 

“Everyone knows you sleep with everyone. Why do you think I asked _you_ in the first place?”

It’s only now, saying it out loud and seeing how Dean’s face crumbles that Cas realizes how untruthful that actually is. He didn’t ask Dean because he knew he was easy and was going to say yes. He asked him because he was the only one he could actually imagine himself with. Because, sure, everyone knew that Dean sleeps around, but Cas never judged him for it or let it define the way he saw Dean.

Dean was the guy that beat up Gordon Walker to help Kevin when he didn’t even know him. Dean is the one who always diffuses tense situations in class with a joke. He’s the one that complimented Claire Novak when she dared to put on a beautiful floral dress instead of her usual black clothes one day, and that she looked sad that no one noticed the effort. Dean noticed. He always makes a point to flirt with boys and girls that no one else seems to notice, throwing them charming smiles and casual winks. There’s a reason everyone likes him so much. Everyone knows he’s a good person, because he never ever proved the contrary to anyone. 

They may have never talked before Cas asked him to have sex, but Cas has definitely noticed him. He always notices it when Dean is in the room, because he can’t stop looking at him every chance he gets. He knows which tables Dean favors in every classroom they have in common and always chose a seat from which he can see him. He specifically chose their group’s lunch table because it’s right across from the jocks’ table, so Dean is always in his peripheral vision. Hell, he even bought a pin from the school team of whatever sport they’re playing and pinned it over his desk at home because it reminds him of Dean. 

How could he have done all this and never even taken notice of it? How could he have ignored all that? Why does he have to realize all that while Dean is looking back with such dismay and disappointment on his face?

“Well, you’re right on one thing, Cas,” Dean affims, voice tight. “It was a _mistake_.” He shakes his head, backing away. Cas has to squeeze his fist harder to keep from grabbing him, from bringing him back closer. 

Even if seeing Dean upset makes him regret his words, he can’t take them back. He’s done exactly what he was expected to do. He just never envisaged that Dean would actually care.

Or how much _he_ would. 

************

“Jody was right,” Cas admits later to Pamela. “It hurts so much already that I can’t imagine how worse it could have been if we had actually gone further in our...entanglement.“

“Entanglement. Well, that’s another word for my thesaurus,” Pamela says, writing it on her pad. Cas sends her a glare, annoyed. He hates it when people mock his way of talking and she knows it, they’ve talked about it before. “Did you ever notice that the more you disengage from your feelings, the longer your words get?”

Cas inclines his head in astonishment at her remark. 

“That was how your dad used to talk, right?”

“I don’t want to talk about that today,” he immediately affirms, jaw clenched. 

“You never want to talk about it, Castiel. You always dance around the subject, but never talk directly about it. _I_ think it’s time we talk about the way your father had with words.”

Cas shakes his head, picking at his nails. 

“He was a writer, right? Still is, I’m sure, and damn how unfair is it that his next book is definitely going to be a bestseller. Hell, _I_ ’ll probably read it,” she taunts.”Do you think you’ll be in it? Or will he just talk about his gazillions of other blessed children? His _angels_ ,” she adds sarcastically. “Do you think he even remembers your name? Your face?” Cas can feel himself shaking, his eyes closed as he’s trying to remember how to breathe, eyes burning. “Do you think he remembers Jimmy?”

“Stop it!” Castiel yells. “Why are you doing this?” he implores, hating the tone of his voice and how a few words can cause him such turmoil. 

“Because you need to hear it, Castiel. Because you need to _talk_ about it,” she says calmly. “You can’t just keep it buried inside. Everytime you take a step forward, you end up reverting right back to what he tried to make you, and that always starts with you using the words he put into your mouth.”

“It’s just the way I talk,” Cas says, wiping his runny nose on his sleeve as he sits back. He’s not feeling angry anymore, just drained. “I tried not to talk like this. I tried and it made Jody upset.” 

“Because you weren’t talking at all. You didn't say a single word for eight months and when you started to speak again, you refused to talk about anything that really matters. You still do. We’ve been seeing each other for close to three years and I’ve never even heard you mention your twin brother’s name,” she reminds him. “I can’t let you keep it inside for three more years, kid, or it might end up making you explode from inside.”

“I just wanted to talk about Dean,” Cas implores, sniffing. 

“I know, kiddo. But it’s never been about Dean at all, has it?”

“I think I like him,” Castiel admits, trying to revert back to their previous conversation. 

“Your dad has been arrested.” Pamela brusquely says. 

Cas doesn’t answer, he can’t. He feels petrified, like his whole body has stopped functioning. 

“Jody and I have wanted to tell you this for weeks, I’ve been trying to prepare you, but-”

“When?”

“Three weeks ago,” Miss Barnes admits, watching for his reaction. “That’s why Agent Henrikson had you identify so many people lately.” She slides forward in her seat until she’s nearly close enough to touch him. She doesn’t. “They’re bringing down the whole organization, Castiel. Your dad is going to prison. It’s over,” she offers, searching his gaze. He can’t look up, won’t look up.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Cas asks, dazed. “You and Jody, even agent Henrikson, why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“Honestly? We didn’t think you could take it. I still don’t, you’re nowhere close to as ready as I wished you would be when you heard about it. But things are happening, Cas. The media are taking an interest, and the authorities can only hold on to this information for so long.”

“What about...what about my mom?” he asks, barely hearing what she’s saying over the ringing in his ears. 

“They don’t have her. There are still a few operations bases going. Henrikson can tell you more than me on all this. The only thing I care about is _you_ ,” she points out, scouting closer until her knees graze him. “Talk to me, Cas,” she incites when he just keeps looking at his own knees, breathing fast and eyes lost.

“Is it- is it going to be on TV?” Cas wonders, terrified. He feels like his life is crumbling under his feet, like the life he spent the last three years working so hard on building is over. It’s not much, but he can’t lose it. He can’t start over. _He can’t._

It feels like every time he blinks he sees Jimmy behind his eyelids; his shaved head and blue eyes; his gummy smile that looked just like his. It makes him long for the past. It makes him want to go _back_ , and he hates it. He knows it’s wrong. Jimmy wouldn’t want that for him. 

He jumps when Pamela touches his arm, and looks at her with round eyes. She draws Castiel’s hand back from his head. When he looks down there’s a tuft of hair in his hand. 

“I don’t want to go back,” he whispers, lost to his thoughts. But he _does_. That’s the awful truth about it all. He wants to be back with his mom. He wants to be back in the grey dormitory where he was never alone. Back to his suit and his too big trench coat that has a rip in the back but that he used to wear all the time because that’s the only thing his Father ever gave him. He wants his brothers and sisters back. 

But above all, he wants _Jimmy_. 

He wants to be back under that cover with Jimmy, covering his ears to hide the ringing of the shots and the shrill of the screams. He wants to be brave enough to drink the vial too. He wants to stop Jimmy from drinking it. He wants to tell his Father to take him too. 

He’s crying, he knows he’s crying. He’s not sure if he’s mumbling or just thinking anymore. Pamela’s arms are around him. He’s shaking so much that she can barely hold on. 

“Why can’t I just talk about Dean?” he asks again. 

She doesn’t answer him. 

  
  
  


  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know, Pamela is a terrible therapist. 
> 
> As I had promised: shorter but angstier... What did you think? 
> 
> Next chapter's title: The truth about Castiel Mills


	5. The Truth about Castiel Mills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far all the art for this story has been made by me. I hope you enjoy it too. I'm not the best photoshopper, but I liked doing those. Of course, I'd be overjoyed to see some of your art for this fic too. 
> 
> I'm on tumblr under the name Castielific. 
> 
> I've edited the Tags again.
> 
> I'm only going to tag main characters tho, which means that some of them (like Pamela or Victor) aren't tagged. There are about two dozen characters from the show in this story, it seems easier and more logical to only tag a few.

[ ](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/23/yrzl.jpg)

************

Castiel looks down at the photographs on the table. Some of those people, he recognizes for his time living in Heaven with his mother. That’s what they used to call all his Father’s camps, _Heaven_. Since he’s been freed he’s come to learn that their camp looked nothing like what people associated with the Heaven from their Bible. 

He points to the photography of a dead body that used to be called Naomi. She was one of his sisters. Blue eyes, brown hair. In his Father’s image, just like him. Old enough to be called Angel. 

He points to another picture. This one was called Rachel. She had blond hair, so his Father didn’t like her so much. She wasn’t an Angel, she was an aunt. She was one of his Father’s oldest daughters, like the other few aunts in Heaven. There to take care of the children, but never allowed to have their own. There hasn’t been any new aunts in years. Castiel used to wonder about it, now he’d rather not because he’s afraid to understand why.

In the picture, Rachel’s skin is so white that her hair doesn't look so blonde anymore. She looks like an angel, Castiel thinks cynically. 

He only recognized two others and pointed them out to agent Henrikson.

He used to like Inias, he’s glad he’s not dead in the picture. 

It used to be only pictures of dead people when they start doing this, but now there are some people who get out of Heaven alive. Agent Henrikson says it’s because now the police know how to save them, that it’s all thanks to Castiel. He’s glad, even if he doesn’t feel like he did much. 

Castiel can barely recognize his brother in the picture, because Inias has hair and a beard like their Father now. Last time Castiel saw him, they were both still shaving their heads every morning. 

It always confused him. He understood that his Father favored the children in his image, but why wait until their puberty to see what color their hair was? He asked his mom once. 

She told him that young hair lies, but eyes don’t. He didn’t understand it then. All he knew was that one time they had to hide in a dark cellar for days and when they got out they all looked like hedgehogs with spiky little hair on their heads. Anna’s mom cried when she saw that her daughter’s hair was red. The next time they had to hide, Anna wasn’t with them anymore. Jimmy and Castiel never complained about having to shave every morning again after that, afraid that if someone saw their hair, they would disappear too. 

It took Castiel ten months with Jody before he stopped being scared of what would happen if he stopped shaving. When he finally tried, all that Jody did was hug him really tight. Now the tables have turned, and he throws a fit every time she pesters him to get a haircut. 

Castiel wonders what will happen to Inias now that he’s out of Heaven. He’s only two years older than him, and doesn’t have a Jody in his life. He realizes Inias is eighteen, so he may go to jail. 

Castiel wonders briefly how many kids Inias had by now. Father likes them to start producing heirs as soon as they’re fifteen; that is, if their hair goes brown and they get to finally be called Angels. Inias probably has had a few offsprings by now. Castiel wonders what will happen to those children when Inias goes to prison. 

Maybe they were brave enough to drink the vial, he ponders. Inias and him never were very brave, always hiding under the covers when Jimmy used to tell them scary stories that weren’t allowed. 

Jimmy was the bravest. 

Castiel always wondered where he learnt those stories. He never asked because he was scared that Jimmy would tell him that they were true. Maybe they were. 

He’ll never know now. 

************

That night, Jody sleeps in his bed, holding his hand. He likes when she sleeps with him, though never dares to ask her to. He’s glad she’s here now. He still has nightmares of monsters lurking on the outside of blankets forts, but every time he opens his eyes and she’s there, it reminds him that sometimes the blanket falls over and a knight with a star on their heart is there to protect him.

He doesn’t let go of her hand the whole night through. 

************ 

He doesn’t get out of the house for a week because by now the whole world knows about the sordid story of Carver Edlund and his Angels. He’s not ready to face it yet. 

He still doesn’t expect it when they turn on the TV one day and suddenly his face is on the little square beside the News’ anchor lady. Jody screams a lot on the phone after that as he wonders if he’s ever going to see Charlie and Jo again. 

The FBI took his phone, he’s not sure why, so he can’t tell them he’s okay. There are also two agents in the living room, and a car parked in front of the house at all times now. 

The News lady talks about him and he frowns, because they’re wrong about so many things. It’s not even him in the picture, it’s Jimmy. 

On TV, they say he’s a hero. Agent Henrikson keeps repeating that they couldn’t have arrested his Father without his help. Castiel and Jody listen to him say it on three different channels.

The fact that they don’t say anything about Jimmy upsets him, so he turns off the television and doesn’t look at any media for days after that. They talk like they know things, but they don’t, they’re all wrong. 

“I just pointed at people in some pictures.” Cas says to Jody later than night. He feels like Victor is giving him too much credit. He doesn’t want any of it. Jody keeps telling him how brave he was. All he keeps thinking about is that damn vial that proves her wrong. Jimmy was brave; Cas is just a coward that has a good memory of faces. 

Castiel goes back to his room and lies down with a picture of Jimmy. It’s the same that was on TV, because it’s the only one he has. Maybe the only one that exists where Jimmy is still alive. 

It was taken by a surveillance team the day before Jimmy died. Agent Henrikson gave it to him, like he thought Castiel would forget what Jimmy looked like, like Cas doesn’t remember him every time he looks into a mirror. Except maybe Victor was right, because he doesn’t look that much like Jimmy anymore. Not with hair on his head, and six years older. 

He wonders if it’s too late to thank the FBI agent for the picture.

  
  


************

On the eighth day, he hears someone shouting outside. 

Castiel doesn’t pay it any mind at first. Journalists have been waiting in front of his house for days now. Sometimes they get impatient and scream at him to come outside, to let them photograph him. All they got so far are a lot of fines and restraining orders, because Jody’s deputies are watching them like hawks, ready to punish every toe that grazes their house’s lawn for trespassing private property. Jody talks about lawyers and reassures him that they won’t bother them for long. Castiel doesn’t really care. He doesn’t feel like going outside anyway. 

The screaming lasts longer than usual today, so Jody goes to check it out. Two minutes later Cas has got a nose full of red hair. Charlie is squeezing him so hard that he thinks he’s going to suffocate. She’s sobbing when she lets go, so he hugs her back, more gently, until she calms down. 

After that, Charlie comes every day after school. They do their homeworks and play board games until just before dinner. She tries to convince the FBI agents that Jo “is cool” and can come too, but they already look disapproving of her presence, so she doesn’t push it. 

Victor still comes over to show him more and more pictures. Sometimes they are mugshots, sometimes the people on them are dead, sometimes they look like surveillance photos. He honestly doesn’t see the point anymore since his Father has been arrested. 

That is, until he sees _Him_ on one. 

He’s the only blonde kid his Father ever cared about. He’s the worst person Castiel has ever known. 

His Father may have had a strict view of the world and quite a God complex (to say the least), but Lucifer was the one in charge of enforcing the rules. He was the one that took Anna away. He was the one you were sent to if you ever doubted his Father’s word or disobeyed. He was the one most of Jimmy’s stories were about. 

Father used to call him his Archangel. He was one of his first sons, from before Father created Heaven. 

The Archangels were the only sons that Chuck loved even though their hair, eyes or skin color were different than his. That made them powerful because it was proof of Father’s love for them. 

Father never expected them to give him children, they weren’t allowed, but they were the ones that brought teenage girls to Heaven. The Archangels kept them with them until the girls were devoted to Father, until all they could think about was to give him perfect children. The Archangels were also the ones that took their imperfect children away. Their simple presence inspired terror. 

It still does, especially now that Castiel is old enough, and has distanced himself enough from the situation that he can grasp how horrible it truly was. 

He doesn’t eat for two days after seeing Lucifer’s picture, his stomach so knotted up that he can barely stand straight. 

Only four days pass before Lucifer’s face is on the news next to his Father’s. 

Castiel should feel relieved that they’re both locked up. He isn’t. He doesn't feel safer, can’t even believe it’s truly over until one day Miss Barnes, Jody and agent Henrikson talk with him for a whole afternoon. 

Victor shows him pictures of everyone that has been arrested or died. The Archangels are all there, except Gabriel who ran away when Castiel was still little. Gabriel wasn’t dangerous and was never scary though. He gave Castiel the first sweets he ever had, and used to make the children laugh with silly stories. Now that he’s older, Castiel wonders if Gabriel escaped, or if he’s gone like Anna is gone. 

Along with the Archangels and his Father’s picture, there are other people that he recognizes and fears. He feels a little better when he tries to think of someone else that used to scare him that wouldn’t be in those pictures and can’t. He says exactly that to agent Henrikson. The FBI agent’s eyes are suddenly a little too humid. He pats Castiel’s cheek like he wants to hug him, but doesn’t. 

The only one missing in those pictures is his mom. Sometimes he thinks that Victor has a picture of her dead body in one of his files and never showed it to him. Cas’s not sure if he wants to know yet, so he doesn’t ask. He knows he will some day, just not today. 

Castiel knows this was supposed to be an intervention, their way of telling him that it’s all over now. They tell him, repeatedly, that it _is_. Even the FBI agents surveilling his house go away after that. Castiel wishes that he could feel like it’s the end of this part of his life, but it doesn’t feel like it is. He’s not sure what it would take to get there. 

Pamela tells him that it might help him to talk about his past, but he still can’t bring himself to. He can (and did) explain to the FBI how Heaven was organized, what his Father’s rules were. He recognized a bunch of people in pictures, even talked about who they were and what they used to do, but every time he tries to talk about himself or Jimmy, his throat closes up, and he can’t. 

Pamela looks a little disappointed, even if she tries to hide it, and explains to him that it might take time. He feels like so much time has passed already, yet it still feels like it all happened yesterday. Maybe it always will.

Castiel is the first surprised when he wakes up from a nightmare a few nights later and suddenly feels like he needs to tell someone, to tell _everything_. It suddenly feels like all those stories of his past are worms wriggling under his skin, trying to get out. It feels like the only way he’s going to ever feel calm again is to take them out, one by one. 

So he does.

He sits at his desk and starts writing, putting everything on paper. 

He writes until his pen doesn’t work anymore, until his hand cramps so much that he has to pause. He barely eats the sandwiches Jody makes for him, he can’t focus on anything else, he can't stop. Even when he tries to take breaks, it feels like the story, _his_ story, continues to be narrated in his head and the only way to stop it is to lay it on paper. 

He barely sleeps, waking up with whole new paragraphs spelled out in his mind that he absolutely has to write down before he forgets. It lasts for days, incessant and exhausting, until one morning Castiel puts his pen down and realizes that he doesn’t have anything more to tell. 

It’s all there. 

His whole childhood. 

It’s Anna, Inias and all the others. The world that his Father created. His Father’s madness. His mother. Jimmy. Everything he knows, everything he lived through. 

Castiel sits there and looks at it for hours; this pile of paper full of scratches and the perfect calligraphy that he was taught by Metatron. 

Jody comes and sits on the bed behind him at some point. He doesn’t look up, sitting on his desk chair and staring at those sheets. He can hear the sound of her voice, but can’t understand her words, never even consider answering. It reminds him of those first eight months they lived together, when Jody kept taking care of him and being kind to him when he couldn’t even find the will to say a single word to her. 

For what’s probably the first time, he’s the one reaching for her that day. He gets up and curls against her on the bed, arms around her hips and head on her lap. He can feel one of her tears land on his cheek as she continues to talk to him in words he doesn’t hear. He concentrates on the feel of her hand in his hair. It’s a sensation he never knew before he met her, that is wholly _Jody_ ’s now. It has become as comforting to him as it seems to be for her. 

Castiel falls asleep feeling safe and loved for the first time in years. 

When he wakes up, Jody is still here. She hasn’t budged even though that position can’t be comfortable for her. He enjoys it for a quiet moment more before he finally straightens up. 

“You okay, kiddo?” Jody asks softly, a hand on his cheek so she can see the answer in his eyes if not in his words. 

He offers her a small smile that feels genuine. “I am now,” Castiel confesses. 

Jody looks like she’s going to cry or hug him again. She’s reaching to do it, stopping when Castiel’s stomach growls loudly. They both laugh, exchanging an affectionate look. 

“Can I have some ice cream?”

************

The pages sit on his desk for days. 

Sometimes he goes back to looking at them, but he doesn’t dare read them, can’t even bring himself to touch the paper again. 

“I should burn it,” he declares one day, sitting crossed legs on the bed and staring at it, while Charlie lies behind him reading a comic book. The Summer holidays have come around, and Jo went back to her mom’s in Sioux Fall for a fortnight, so Charlie keeps him company every day while Jody goes to work. 

“No!” Charlie screams, jumping off the bed and putting herself in front of the desk, arms spread like Cas already has the matches in his hand. Castiel looks at her like she’s mad and her shoulders drop like she may be disappointed that he’s _not_ going to try to fight her for the manuscript. “Damn, that was the perfect opportunity to make my Gandalf impression!” she despairs with a teasing smile. 

She comes to sit beside him on the bed, crossing her legs too. 

“You can’t destroy it, Castiel. That’s like, your origin story.”

“Aren’t those for villains?” Cas asks, confused and a little offended. 

“Or superheroes. Time will tell,” she adds with a ‘what can you do gesture’, swaying closer to amicably knock her shoulder against his. “No, but, for real, this is important on so many levels.” She looks at the crumbled pile of papers with such admiration that he frowns. 

“Do you want to read it?” he asks, not proposing but wondering. 

“Dude, everyone on the whole damn planet would literally kill to be able to read that,” she explains like it’s obvious. 

“I’m not sure that’s an accurate presumption,” Cas observes, scrunching his nose. 

Cas looks back toward the desk. He thought it was only important to him, he never thought…

“My therapist says that my father will probably write a book in prison, and that it will sell well.” 

“Duh. That’s what Hitler did, and look how that turned out.” She suddenly stops talking, eyes round in shock and guilt. “Not that I’m comparing your dad to Hitler!”

“It’s actually not an inappropriate comparaison, in more than one aspect,” he reassures with a shrug. “And he’s not my dad. Not like your dad is your dad.”

She nods, although he can see from her frown that she doesn’t understand. She looks like she has many questions that she doesn’t dare to ask. He’s never seen her so hesitant before. He’s glad that she’s trying to respect his boundaries, rather than badgering him with questions. He wishes she could understand without him having to tell her. 

He goes back to staring at the pile of papers. All her answers are here. Everyone's answers are sitting on his desk right now. 

“It’s yours, Cas. You’re the only one that can decide what you want to do with it,” she concludes, dropping her head on his shoulder. 

They stay silent for a while after that. 

When Castiel gets up, his movement dislodges Charlie’s head from his shoulder. She rubs at her eyes like she has been starting to doze. He walks to his desk and stops for an instant before he grabs the pile of paper. It’s not even stapled together or anything, because he never reread it. He’s pretty sure not all of it makes sense, or is in the right order. 

Charlie jumps up when he goes to her backpack, and stuffs it inside. 

“What are you doing?” she yells, eyes like saucers. 

“You’re my best friend,” Castiel simply answers, “you should know me.”

She kneels next to him as he tries to zip up the bag, now full of papers. 

“I don’t need it, Cas. I already know you,” she assures him, heartfelt. 

“You do,” Castiel says softly, smiling back at her, “but you’re right, this is an important part of me. I want you to know about it.” 

_It’s still me_ , Castiel wants to say. He can’t deny that a part of him is scared that anyone that will read that manuscript won’t be able to like him anymore. Charlie has the biggest heart he’s ever known. If she can read about that part of him and still like him, then maybe Jody can. Maybe _everyone_ can. 

He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life feeling like he has to hide that part of his life, that part of _himself_ . Because it _is_ him. He can’t change that. He wouldn’t. Jimmy, Anna, and the others deserve better. They shouldn’t be forgotten. People should know they existed and that they were _good_. 

His mom, too. 

His Father may not have been a dad, but his Mother was his mom. She loved him and cared for him the best she could in her circonstances. 

She wasn’t much older than he was now when she had him and Jimmy. She didn’t choose to have them, not in a way that matters, but she was there to wipe their tears and tuck them in like any other mom. 

People should know that. 

People should know that his mother isn’t a monster, that he and his twin brother were just normal kids. The circumstances they grew up in were strange, but _they_ weren’t. They still played silly games, bickered and scraped their knees like any other children. Father may have called them Angels, but they were all just humans trying to survive. They shouldn’t be judged for his Father’s monstrosity. 

Maybe those sheets of papers are a testimony to that. Maybe it can even help the people whose little girls were taken from them, like the grandparents he must have somewhere. Maybe it can help Inias and all his others siblings that don’t deserve to be punished for his Father’s sins. 

He suddenly realizes that he has already decided what he wants to do with that manuscript. 

_People need to know._

He needs them to understand and if that means sacrificing another part of his own privacy, then that’s a price he’s willing to pay. 

“I want you to be the first,” Castiel confides to Charlie.

She was his first friend after all. She was the one that made him realize that you didn’t have to have blue eyes and brown hair to be family. She was the first person that made him feel like a real kid, like he didn’t have to have a greater purpose. 

Jody and her were the ones that taught him that hedonism was okay. They also taught him that happiness can be in simple things, such as watching tv in your pajamas while eating ice cream. They taught him that it’s _okay_ to do that. It feels great to do that and people won’t judge you and will still love you even if you don’t have any useful worth to them. 

It’s still a weird concept to him, but he knows that those women will love him no matter what and it’s the most fulfilling sensation he’s ever felt in his life. 

  
  


************

Charlie never brings him his manuscript back. What she does bring him is a USB key shaped like Yoda. 

“I can give you back the physical version if you want, but I thought it would be easier to get it around once digitized,” she explains, a little hesitant as she gives him the key. “I also edited a few typos.”

“I don’t make typos,” Castiel affirms, taking the key from between her fingers and looking it over. He knows what a USB key is, but he can’t find the part that you're supposed to connect to the computer. It just looks like a little figurine. 

“It’s in his butt,” Charlie says helpfully. She takes the key back from him and uncaps it to show him. 

“How tasteful,” he notes as he connects it to his laptop, making his friend chuckle. 

They look it over together. Castiel is impressed by Charlie’s dedication. She even divided it in chapters. She seems hesitant when she shows him the few edits she made so that the autobiography would feel more chronological than random. She also put a version of the file without any editing on the USB key, but Castiel likes the changes she made. 

She uses so many technical terms as they talk it over, that it takes him a moment to realize that it means that she read it and that they’re actually talking about his past like it’s just a story he wrote. He doesn’t feel detached from it, not exactly, but speaking about it with Charlie this way makes him feel like there is nothing unusual about it. 

He kisses Charlie on the cheek as she explains to him how to find specific parts in the file. 

“What was that for?” she asks, blushing but content. 

He just shrugs. She smiles, teasingly rolling her eyes before she picks up her explanations back from where she left it off. 

She helps him print out two manuscripts. He takes one with him in his bedroom that night to read over for the first time since he wrote it. He leaves the other one on Jody’s nightstand. 

  
  


************

Castiel is sitting on the dock, leaning back on his hands, his legs dangling in the lake water as he enjoys the tingling sensation of the sun on his skin. A little farther in the water, he can hear Charlie and Jo giggling as they splash each other. 

Cas isn’t surprised when someone sits down beside him, Jo told him Dean would join them during the afternoon. 

[ ](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/23/fzz1.jpg)

Face turned toward the sun, Cas doesn’t open his eyes. Dean doesn’t say anything. Cas can feel him observing him and he wonders what Dean must be thinking about him. So much has happened since the last time they saw each other, it feels like eons away when it was really only just six weeks ago that Castiel was telling him hurtful things. 

Castiel feels like maybe he needs to apologize or explain, but when he opens his eyes, Dean doesn’t look resentful. That’s the thing with Dean, isn’t it? He never does what Castiel expects of him, he’s always better. 

He knows Dean heard about Castiel’s past. It’s impossible not to have done so by now. 

Castiel is surprised when he feels words burning his throat, a confession he never thought he would be able to say out loud. He isn’t sure why, why now, why Dean, but he’s feeling serene and ready to make a confession that is long due. 

Dean isn’t saying anything and his presence should not be comforting given their last exchange, yet it is. Castiel takes a deep breath and tells him what he's never said to anyone.

“For years I had this nightmare,” Castiel starts, voice rougher than usual. “Nearly a false memory at this point, I’ve seen it so many times,” he explains, closing his eyes again to feel the wind refresh his burning skin, relaxing him and somehow giving him the courage to continue. “My brother is on the ground, covered in blood. I can still hear shots being fired just outside the door, light piercing the darkness of the room through bullet holes in the wall, law enforcement agents shouting and people screaming in fear.”

Cas looks down at the lake water licking his ankles in small waves. 

“Everytime, I hear my mother scream as she is dragged, struggling, out the back door by my Father’s men. She always screams my brother’s name. Jimmy. He was my twin,” Castiel explains, the name still difficult to say out loud. “I look around and everyone around me is terrified. At my feet, my brother is looking at me with empty eyes, holes oozing red on his chest. Then the front door bursts open and I wake up screaming,” he finishes, squinting when he looks up and the sun catches his eyes, dazzling him.

“That sounds like one hell of a nightmare, Cas,” Dean breathes, compassionately. He seems to reflect on it for a moment, slowly swinging his feet on the surface of the water and watching the ripples it causes. “Is it true?” Dean asks, voice rough like he can barely get the words out.

“No,” Cas confesses. It’s the first time he admits it. Maybe even to himself. “I think that I forget that it isn’t, sometimes. It’s...It’s a terrible thing, but I think I was wishing that was what happened,” he admits. He can feel Dean’s eyes on him, but doesn’t look up from the water. “My mother wasn’t there that day. My brother didn’t get shot by accident.” He pauses. He’s learning to talk about it, with Pamela, with Jody, with Charlie. It still isn’t easy, but it’s _easier_ . “Truth is...Truth is I was the only one that was scared that day.” He sends a quick look to Dean, their eyes met but Cas can’t hold his gaze. “What you need to know is that my Father was very charismatic. When he said something, people listened to him. People _believed_ him. For most of them, he became more important than their own life. He knew it,” Cas says. 

Even now, he can’t admit his own doubts, still scared of reprisals that can’t come anymore.

“He made us all wear a necklace with a little vial. I’m not sure of the real name or composition of what was in it. He called it Grace. It was indoctrinated into us that if you ever found yourself in a situation where people were trying to hurt you, or take you away from Him, you should drink it and join him in the Holy Host to be by his side for eternity, to be under His protection again. Of course, it was what you may call bullshit,” Castiel notes, chucking humorlessly. “But it was ingrained into our minds from the day we were born. We never knew any better, never met anyone who told us otherwise, so we believed it.” Castiel explains.

He presses his fingers harder into the wood behind him, breathing deep as a light wind ruffles his hair. 

“The instructions were very clear, so as soon as we heard the signal that morning, the other kids in my dormitory didn’t even hesitate. They held hands, said a last prayer, and gulped down the poison with a beatific smile on their face, happy to rejoin our Father on another plane of existence. It was what they taught us. But when the moment came...I couldn’t. I was ten years old and watching brethren my age, sometimes younger, dying around me and found myself too terrified to do anything. My brother...Jimmy noticed. He wasn’t scared. He was the bravest person I’ve ever known,” Castiel admires, eyes suddenly burning with unshed tears. “He was always stronger than me, _better_ , so even though he was only born two minutes before me, he always took care of me. He didn’t drink his Grace either, not without me. He took my hand and hid us behind a dresser, covered under a blanket like he always did when he used to tell me scary stories.” Castiel wipes at his eyes. “He tried to reassure me, to convince me that it was going to be okay, that our Father was waiting for us. I wanted to try and run away instead, but his belief was too strong. All we needed to do was close our eyes and drink our Grace. Easy, he said. We promised we would do it together. I promised him I was going to be brave enough to do it, too.”

“Cas...” Dean says, probably recognizing the self-admonishing tone that Castiel used. Castiel ignores him. He can’t stop now or he’ll never say it. 

“When I opened my eyes and saw that his were open too, I believed...Just for a second, I believed that he didn’t do it either. It was pretty dark under the blanket and it took me a moment to realize that something was wrong. His hand wasn’t squeezing mine anymore and his weight against me…” He pauses when Dean squeezes his hand, bringing him back to the present. Cas takes a moment before squeezing back, ready to continue. “I lay beside him and covered us back up with the blanket. I don’t know how long I stayed under there just..waiting for the light to come back to his eyes. I think it was a long time, because when I came to, the police had already covered up the bodies of some of my siblings. I guess for a moment, they thought I was dead too. Sometimes I think I did die, at least in part, that day too. It was another little boy that Jody wrapped in her jacket and carried out that day.”

“She was the one who found you,” Dean deduces. 

“She was the first one who cared,” Cas corrects. “She never stopped since that day.”

“If anyone could ever kick you back to sanity, it was her,” Dean breathes in a whisper, more to himself than to Cas. His eyes get huge when he realizes what he said. “Oh shit, sorry, that was-”

“A pretty accurate affirmation,” Cas laughs, wiping his eyes with the thumb of his left hand, his right one still wrapped by Dean’s. 

“I’m sorry all this happened to you, Cas.”

“Thank you, Dean, that...That means a lot actually,” Cas entrusts, touched. “Especially after how atrociously I’ve acted toward you,” he adds, taking his hand back, remorseful. 

“Heh, that’s okay,” Dean dismisses. “You’re not the first and won’t be the last.”

“That is _not_ okay,” Castiel says firmly, staring hard at the other boy. “I can’t account for other people’s acts, but it was no way to treat you. I used you in ways that were unacceptable, for my own reasons, and you deserved better.”

“I liked some of the ways you used me,” Dean teases with a smirk. 

“I’m trying to have a serious conversation here, Dean,” Castiel scolds, barely able to hide his smile. “You’re a good person. You shouldn’t let people treat you badly for their own personal pleasure.”

“What can I say, I aim to please,” Dean says, shrugging. He looks chastised though when he sees Castiel’s serious look. “I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do with you, Cas,” Dean swears, reassuring. “As for other people, you shouldn’t believe everything you hear. My reputation may have been _slightly_ exaggerated.” 

“It wouldn’t alter my opinion of you, even if it hadn’t.” 

They exchange a small smile before a shriek from further down the lake catches their attention. The girls have managed to both get on the same floater, though their equilibrium seems precarious. Castiel can’t help but smile when Charlie notices them looking and waves hello their way, her movement making them topple over completely. The girls re-emerged from the surface of the water with Jo glaring and Charlie laughing. 

“I’m glad you came today,” Dean says when they both stop chuckling at their friends’ antics. “I wasn’t sure you would,” he admits timidly.

“I wasn’t sure I was going to either, but you probably know how relentless Charlie can be by now,” Cas says, sliding backward a little until he can lay down, his feet dangling above the water. He shields his eyes from the sun and looks at Dean, who’s still watching the girls. “Now I’m glad I came, too,” Cas confides. 

Dean seems pleased with his answer if the grin he sends his way is any indication. 

“Want to go sneakily drown some girls?” the jock asks playfully. 

“I think I’ll pass. But I’ll definitely enjoy watching you try,” Cas teases. 

“Kinky!” Dean declares, grinning at Cas’ responding blush before he jumps into the water. 

As Castiel expected, Dean ends up being the one being drowned. Or as one of his friends would probably say, ‘he got his ass kicked’. Cas does enjoy watching it. 

For an afternoon, Cas gets to pretend he’s just another teenager hanging out with his friends. Somehow, the more he laughs the less it feels like pretending. As he was in Jody’s arms, he feels safe here, surrounded by those people that he’s learning to trust. 

The weight of all his secrets feel lighter now that he knows he has people whom he can share them with. Dean didn’t judge him. He accepted Castiel’s past without blame or mistrust, just like Charlie did before. 

It gives Castiel hope that maybe there is a future for him in this typical life, surrounded by friends. 

In his mind, family has always been associated with rules, punishment and duty. He’s starting to believe that it can be more than that. Maybe all he has to do is allow himself to grasp it and hold on to it. To stop fearing that it will get taken away from him and just enjoy it while he can. 

It feels like a new beginning and Castiel is determined to give this life a chance, to make it better than the last one. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The big reveal...Had you guessed it? Did you enjoy it?
> 
> It probably makes you wonder what the hell is going to happen in the next seven chapters...Well, I hope it does :-p
> 
> Next chapter's title: First times


	6. First Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I should warn you or not, but better be too safe than sorry. **If you have triggers and want to be warned before you read, please go to the end notes**. 
> 
> (Now you must be worried lol)
> 
> It's still mostly a light and funny chapter (somehow), I promise.

************

The whole summer passes in a blur of sun, swimming, and barbecues at Bobby’s. It feels so good that sometimes Castiel wonders if he’s dreaming. He’s never felt lighter or happier. 

He feels like a real teenager, lazing around and laughing with his friends. He has his first water balloon fight (which he lost miserably), his first camping trip (he was _not_ a fan) and his first sip of beer (grudgingly sanctioned by both Bobby and Jody after a very impressive sales speech from Dean). 

Against all odds, he and Dean become good friends. 

Sometimes Dean even invites him to outings with some of his other friends from high school, but Cas isn’t ready to face them. Now everyone knows who he is, and he feels like he wants to enjoy the brand-new comfort of his little bubble with his friends, just for a little more time, before he has to be reminded that the outside world is still there. 

************

When Summer break is over, Castiel still doesn’t feel ready, but he knows that he needs to do it. Pamela compared it to ripping a bandaid, the dread is worse than the fact. He really hopes it’s true. Also, ripping a bandaid feels awful so that’s a crappy analogy, which he does say to her. She just chuckles about the fact that he used the word ‘crappy’ and then they have a long conversation about the fact that he was becoming what Miss Barnes called “a little shit”. He’s not sure that’s a very professional term, but that point is moot. 

On the first morning of his return to school, Jody seems nearly as stressed as he is. Less than his very first day of school ever - where he thought she was going to pass out from apoplexy when she drops him off in front of the school - but still very anxious. 

She makes him a whole continental breakfast, and he forces himself to eat it to please her, even though his own stomach is in knots. 

“You sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Jody asks for the tenth time that morning. 

“No, thank you, I have my bike.” 

“If anything happens, or if you need anything, you just call me and I’ll be right over,” she offers, “and I’m ready to show off my badge or kick some asses if you want me too.”

“I know you always are, Jody,” Cas teases, mouth full of pancakes. 

************

Jody is apparently not the only one who is feeling protective because Jo, Charlie, and even Dean (which both surprises and pleases him) are waiting next to the bike rack when he arrives. 

Charlie immediately starts babbling about how nervous and proud she is, and how she didn’t sleep at all last night. Jo just punches his shoulder in what he thinks is encouragement. Dean asks him if he’s ready.

“No,” Cas says, gulping as he’s already noticing some people throwing him looks as they walk toward the building. 

It’s the first time he's been back at school since everyone learnt about Carver Edlund’s cult, and the fact that Castiel grew up in it. Even though it’s been months now since everyone discovered the truth, Cas’ doubts anyone forgot about it.

His friends naturally fall into a defensive formation around him as they enter the school. Charlie is by his side, holding his hand as he hugs his books to his chest with his other arm. Dean is on the front, opening the doors and making a way, but also serving as a distraction since people’s eyes tend to stay on him and not see much else when Dean’s around. Jo is a step behind them, and he suspects that she’s sending glares and maybe silent death threats to people who stare because they all seem to whiten in terror when they look slightly to his right. 

Despite his friends’ help, the other students all fall silent or whisper when they see him, looking at him with various degrees of trepidation, pity and horror. 

When they arrive at his locker, his three friends put themselves around him to deter any curious assholes that might feel like asking him a question. 

“So,” Charlie announces, looking at the planning on her phone. “You’ve got the first and second period with me. You’re alone on third, but I’ll accompany you there, and then Dean will come to get you for your fourth period together. Then-”

“You don’t have to do all that,” Cas grunts, rolling his eyes. He may be nervous, but his friends are being overprotective and a little too dramatic. He’s just a survivor of a Cult led by a psychopath, not the president of the United States, he can go to Math Class without a bodyguard. He doesn’t tell her that though because he already told her many times and she doesn’t listen.

Plus, it _is_ kind of touching. 

************

Cas doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that no one actually tries to talk to him. They hadn’t planned for that on Charlie’s BTSOP (Back-To-School Operation Plan. Charlie loves acronyms. And unnecessary plans). 

On the contrary to their predictions, people seem to be avoiding him, the tables around him staying suspiciously empty in class. Of course, it could just be Charlie’s BTSOP working, but it mostly consists of her glaring everyone away from him and he doubts that people find her very intimidating, especially when she’s wearing pink overalls and multicolor barrettes in her hair like she is today. He still appreciates the effort and is glad, if suspicious, that his schoolmates are avoiding him rather than pestering him. 

As their last period of the morning was together, Dean walks with him to the cafeteria. That seems to intrigue people about as much as the cult thing. As soon as they enter, a group of jocks approach them and Cas tenses up, dreading their intentions. 

“Dean, my man,” some guy named Ash with a backward cap salutes, doing that weird thing guys do with their hands to Dean. “Is that cult boy?” he asks, noticing Castiel. “I didn’t know you two were pals. Tough shit you went through, man, that must have sucked balls!” Ash declares, extending his hand to Cas in the same way he did to Dean. 

Castiel sends a wide eyed look to Dean who just shrugs, seeming more amused than worried. 

“Yes. It did indeed suck balls,” Cas confirms, unsure. Not wanting to be rude, Cas hesitantly slaps his fist against the jock’s, and desperately tries to keep up with the series of hand movements that follow. As soon as it’s over, there is another hand extended to him, this one belonging to a beefy jock named Benny. Castiel struggles through three more hand salutations after that before it blissfully seems over. He can hear Dean trying to hide his chuckles next to him, and sends him a quick glare. 

“You should come chill with us on Friday, getting that shit outta your mind will do you good,” Ash invites.

“Chill?” Cas asks, not sure what that entails.

“Partayyy.” Three of them answer in unison with some strange hands and hips thrown forward. 

“Oh no, thank you. I don’t do that.”

“What, you’re still all mormon and shit?” Ash asks, not meanly. 

“Huh no, not-”

“He’ll be there.” Dean cuts him off which provokes some happy yells from the jocks. “We’re gonna eat with my cousin today, but I’ll catch you all later, okay?” Dean says, extending his hands again for their weird salute. The jocks all bump hands with him and go back to their table. “See? That wasn’t that bad,” Dean declares with a mocking smirk as they get in line to get their food. 

“They seem overly enthusiastic about my presence at this event. To which I do _not_ intend to attend,” Cas points out, with a disapproving look.

“Why not? You keep saying you want to experience things, ‘first high school party’ sounds like a must.”

“I have never said anything of this nature,” Castiel answers, offended.

“Really? Because I can remember you asking for at least one first,” Dean teases, grabbing the last chocolate pudding. In retaliation, Cas slaps the back of his hand and puts the pudding on his own tray. He ignores Dean’s pout and goes to sit at their table. 

“What was that all about?” Jo immediately asks, pointing at the jocks’ table and looking ready to bust out laughing in mockery. God, this family was the worst. 

“Cas got invited to his first party,” Dean declares, acting overly proud. 

“What? What party? How come _I_ was not invited?” Charlie pipes up. 

“You never go to parties,” Cas notes, confused. “In fact, you always say that they’re for brainless jocks and-” He shuts up when a foot hits his shin. Charlie points at Dean with her whole face.”Are you saying Dean is a brainless jock and you don't want him to know about it?” he teases, faking confusion. 

Dean bursts out laughing and Jo spits out some food. 

“After all I’ve done for you, you betray me like that,” Charlie says, acting dramatically over offended. Castiel just smirks at her. She immediately points at Dean accusingly. “You’re a bad influence on him, boy.” Cas tilts his head on the side, wondering if that was supposed to be an imitation of Jody because that sounded exactly like her. “Now you better make it up to me,” Charlie declares, playing miffed. 

“Let me guess, by inviting you to the party?” Dean asks with an eye roll. 

“For a start. You will also invite my girlfriend,” she exposes, designating Jo, “and drive us there,” she finishes. “And buy us food before!” she adds at the last second. 

“Don’t push your luck.” Dean warns. 

“Ok, no food,” she deflates, pouting. 

“I’m still not going,” Cas declares as he plunges his spoon in his pudding. 

“Yeah you are,” they all answer. And that’s that, apparently. 

************

“A party?!!” Jody yells when Cas announces his plan for Friday night. “Are you insane?”

“Not if you believed all the tests that they-”

“Don’t sass me, boy,” Jody warns. Yeah, Charlie was definitely imitating her. Spot on.

“I don’t even want to go,” Cas defends. 

“Why don’t you want to go?” his foster mother asks, curiosity picked and a sudden frown between her eyes. “Did someone bother you?” 

“No,” he moans, rolling his eyes because he already had to give her a detailed report of his whole day. Then she called Charlie so Charlie could give her a full report of his whole day. That’s how she learnt about the party that he conveniently forgot to mention. 

“Are your friends going to that party?”

“Yes.” But not me, he wants to add. 

“Even Dean?” she asks for confirmation. Since she had the occasion to spend time with Dean at some of Bobby’s barbecues that summer, she totally changed her tune about the jock. Now she seems to think that ‘the sun shines out of Dean’s ass’, to quote Jo. 

She seemed reassured that Dean and him seem to only be friends now, even though she definitely eyes them to make sure every time they’re all together. He wouldn’t put it past her to have had a conversation about it with Dean. 

“They’re his friends, so yes,” Cas shrugs. 

“Huh.” She seems to be thinking about it, which is not what Cas was expecting. He was counting on her to say no so that he didn’t actually have to go with no need to fight his friends on it. “And his friends directly invited you?”

“Your disbelief is bordering on offensive,” he notes, “but yes. And they’re sports players. You’ve seen the movies, there is probably going to be alcohol and sex at this gathering. Maybe drugs,” he adds, sensing that Jody is changing her mind which would not be convenient for him. 

“Okay, first, I’m the Sheriff of this damn town so don’t even joke about that. Second, do you think I’m an idiot? I know what you’re doing,” she accused Cas. “You’re going to that party whether you like it or not,” she declares. 

“What? That doesn’t even make sense!” 

She waves him off as she goes away, having made up her mind about it. 

************

There is definitely alcohol, sex and drugs at that party. It’s making Castiel really nervous. He’s seen the inside of a jail cell and he doesn’t want to relive that experience. Especially when Jody is the one holding the key to the gate. 

He’s been holding the bottom of his shirt over his nose in order to avoid inhaling marijuana smoke for a whole minute when Jo snaps his shirt down, then slaps his hands when he tries to grab it again. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Jo says, showing her teeth. 

“I don’t want to become intoxicated by secondhand drug inhalation.”

“You’re not going to get high from that, Cas,” Dean explains more calmly, sipping at a red cup that mysteriously found its way to his hand without anyone noticing. Suspicious, Castiel grabs it from him and sniffs it. 

“There’s alcohol in that!” he exclaims, outraged, before emptying the drink into a pot plant beside him. 

“Hey!” Dean protests weakly. 

“Oh god, why didn’t we realize that bringing Cas to a party was gonna be even worse than bringing Jody to a party,” Charlie declares. 

“Jody might be more fun,” Jo says, looking at Cas meanly. 

“I take absolutely no offense at that. Does that mean that I can go home now?”

“NO,” they all answer. 

He’s starting to wonder if they revise those choruses behind his back somehow. 

************

They must get tired of Castiel stopping them from doing anything that they seem to consider fun because one by one his security team (as he’s been pissily calling them all week, since he couldn’t even go into the men’s room without someone watching the door) disappears. 

He ends up sitting on some kind of outdoor couch in the garden. There is less marijuana smoke and the music sounds less loud from here. 

He’s watching a group of people trying to light a bonfire on the lawn, wondering if he should preemptively call the fire department. They seem to be trying to lit it by smashing rocks together, so he thinks he’s safe for now. 

There’s a couple kissing and vigorously rubbing against each other right next to him on the couch. It’s making him uncomfortable, especially since the girl's foot keeps accidentally kicking him in the ribs. He’s getting ready to get up when there's suddenly a weight on his lap, keeping him sitting. 

“Hello, Clarence,” Meg whispers, her face way too close to his, her breath smelling sweet with fruits and alcohol, probably from the bright orange drink they seem to call ‘punch’. 

“Meg,” he salutes. “I’d like to get up, please,” he asks, as amably as possible despite his irritation. She has straddled his hips, an arm on each of his shoulders. It’s making him even more uncomfortable than the fact that the underwear from the girl next to him is now on the ground. 

“Oh come on, we haven’t seen each other in months, and that’s how you greet me? Aren’t you happy to see me, Clarence?” she says in his ear as she rubs her crotch a little closer to his.

“Not particularly.” He tries to get up, but she obviously sees it coming and grabs the back of the couch, caging him in. 

“Come on, at least have a drink with me,” she tries to entice, pouting. “One drink and I promise I’ll get up,” she offers, showing him the cup she’s holding. 

“I don’t drink alcohol.” 

“It’s not alcohol.” Castiel looks at her dubiously. “I promise! Cross my heart and all that crap.” 

She puts the cup under his nose and he takes a prudent sniff at it. It doesn’t smell like alcohol, just like basic soda. He ponders for a second while Meg wriggles a little on his lap with a lascivious smile. In the end, any drink seems better than one more second of that, so he takes the cup from her hand. He takes a sip, holding it in his mouth to analyse. It does seem devoid of any alcohol, so he drinks it up. 

“Now get off.” 

************

“Cult boy! Cult boy! Cult boy!”

They’re all chanting around him as Cas closes one eye, trying to throw the little white ball into the red cup on the other side of the green table. He aims and throws. Someone catches the ball midair. 

“Hey!” he yells indignantly as the crowd starts booing. 

He turns, swaying a little and his eyes fall right onto Dean’s face. He doesn’t look happy. 

“Are you drunk?!” Dean all but screams at him. 

“That was very rude!” Cas accuses, trying to take the ball back from Dean’s hand who just throws it away. 

“What the hell happened to you?” Dean said, grabbing his shoulders to stop Cas from going after the ball. 

“Dean! I’m playing beer pong! Did you see?” Castiel yells excitedly. He tries to turn back toward the table, but Dean stops him again. The other boy grabs his arm and tries to drag him with him. Castiel’s feet don’t seem to be working correctly and he stumbles. There’s suddenly an arm around his hips, and a hand holding his own arm over Dean’s shoulder as the jock practically carries him away. “But the gaaaaame!” Cas whines.

“Let cult boy play!” someone yells, followed by some others encouragement. Dean sends them a glare and continues dragging Cas until they're outside. The fresh air makes Cas blink. He tries to turn around, moaning about having to play, but Dean all but throws him on a chair on the patio. Cas falls, sitting down. He blinks, disoriented. 

Dean is crouching just in front of him, one hand on his thigh and the other on his cheek. He looks in his eyes, shaking him when Cas can’t keep them open long enough for him to check his pupils. 

“Fuck!” Dean exclaims, getting up. “You, look after him for a minute. Anything happens to him and I’ll find you and kick your ass, you hear me?” he threatens a skinny guy who nods, looking terrified. Dean runs back into the house. 

Cas is woken up a moment later by someone grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. He opens his eyes to an orange blur. 

“I think he took something,” Dean says, wiping his mouth in stress. 

“Cas? Cas, can you hear me?” Charlie asks, getting right into his face. 

He pushes her off, grunting, “Stop screaming at me.”

She puts a hand on his forehead and he grimaces when it gets stuck by sweat. That squishy noise is disgusting. 

“He’s sweaty and burning up.” 

“Check his heart rate,” Jo instructs, looking at something on her phone. 

“Fast, but not too fast, I don’t think,” Charlie says, sounding uncertain as she squeezes his wrist. “We should call Jody.”

“Are you crazy? You want to call the sheriff to this party and tell her someone dosed her son?” Dean asks, voices a little too high in panic. 

“Dean’s right, she’ll just put everyone in jail,” Jo admits with a grimace. 

“Or _shoot_ someone! Probably _me!_ ” Dean screams, now full on panicking. 

“Oh get off your high martyr horse, how is that your fault?” Jo yells at him. 

Why does everyone keep yelling? Castiel’s head feels like it’s going to explode. He just wants a warm bed and some silence. 

“You’re right, it’s not only my fault, it’s yours too! And yours!” Dean screams, pointing at Charlie who looks like she’s going to cry. 

“Don’t make Charlie cry,” Cas mumbles. He doesn’t think it comes out coherent. Charlie tuts him and pushes his head against her shoulder. It makes a nice pillow, a little boney, but warm and smelling good. She always smells like the sweets Gabriel used to give him. Ooh, candies. “Do you have candies?” he suddenly asks at no one; the screams that were still going stop, at least. 

He doesn’t get any sweets, he’s just shoved in the back of a car with his head on Charlie’s knees. He’s okay with that. 

************

“You goddamn idjits!” The gruff voice makes him jump, waking him up. Cas immediately throws up on the backseat’s floor. 

“Oh come on, my car,” Dean moans in despair. A second later he yelps briefly in pain, making Cas glance up in alarm. Dean is rubbing the back of his head with a pained grimace, sending a reproaching look in Bobby’s direction. 

“Your car?! You’re worried about your car? Jody is going to freaking murder you, you idjit! She’s going to murder all of you! And then your whole goddamn school!”

“Stop screaming,” Cas moans, as someone wipes at his mouth with something. It’s not clear who, because he can’t open his eyes anymore. 

“For god’s sake get him out of that car and into the house!”

He’s being dragged with his arms around strong shoulders that could only belong to Dean. Or Jo. She’s surprisingly strong. 

“Don’t put him on the couch, you idjit, that boy is covered in puke. Rince him up with a cold shower, and put him to bed,” Bobby advised. “I’m gonna call Jody and tell her he’s spending the night at mine,” he adds. “Covering your all damn asses, you better know that you’ll owe me. You’re going to scrub every god damn millimeter of my house with a fucking toothbrush for months, you hear me, _months_!” 

The voice doesn’t stop shouting, but Cas is grateful that it sounds like it’s getting farther away. Or maybe he is?

“Dean, what’s happening?” comes a little voice. Cas looks up and only sees a blur, but from the mop on the head and the size, it can only be Sam. 

“Nothing, Sammy. Don’t worry. Go back to sleep, I’ll explain tomorrow.” Dean’s voice is affectionate, but still sounds like an order. 

“You’re sweet,” Cas affirms, “and bossy.”

“Yeah, and you’re shit faced.”

“You think my face looks like shit?” Cas laments, heartbroken. 

“Not at all.” Dean grunts as he lifts him to get him over the edge of the bath. Cas looks around. They’re in a blue bathroom. He’s never been here before. 

“Where are we?”

“My house,” Dean says. He’s trying to make Castiel raise his arms with little success. 

“My arms are noodles,” Cas declares. That’s a saying, right? Spaghetti arms. No wait. Everything becomes black for a moment and the cold air on his skin makes him look down. “Hey, my shirt flew away. Where has it gone?” He thinks hard for a second, frowning in concentration. “Africa?”

His only response is a sudden jet of cold water right onto his face. He screams and flails, his hand grabbing the first thing it can and pulling to try and get up. He doesn’t manage to get up, instead he hears Dean yell “son of a bitch!”, then a tearing sound. Everything becomes black. Well, no, not black. Mostly orange. And heavy. 

“Oh my god, this is the best thing I’ve ever seen,” comes Jo’s voice. 

“Shut up and help me get up!” Dean screechs angrily. 

“Stop moving so much, I’m trying to get a good shot,” Jo responds, sounding breathless from laughter. Cas still can’t see anything. His arms are pinned between a squirming mass and the edge of the tub. 

“I swear to God, Johanna Beth, if that ends up on instagram!”

“Oh you bet it will!”

“Jo!” Dean screams, and starts wiggling faster, landing a few elbows kicks right into Cas’ ribs. Wait, is the weight Dean’s? Why is Dean lying on him in a bathtub? Cas finally manages to liberate an arm from under the other boy enough to tear what looks like a orange plastic shower curtain from his face. He regrets it when the light of the bathroom suddenly seems too bright again. 

Dean hauls himself out by grabbing the edge of the tub and falls out on the bathtub mat with a wet splash. It takes him a moment to untangle himself from the wet shower curtains that seem to stick to his skin.

Cas can’t help it, he starts to laugh. That is momentarily ridiculous. And very humorous. 

Jo is crying with laughter, holding the phone pointed in their direction. She runs away very fast as soon as Dean finally manages to get up. Dean takes to step as if to follow, but stops and looks down at himself. His white and blue plaid shirt is completely soaked through and dripping on the ground. He looks like a drenched puppy with his hair flattened like this. 

Dean sends him a glare when Cas starts laughing again at the thought. With a devilish grin, Dean extends his arm and cold water is suddenly splashing right into Cas’ face again. 

************

“Well that was sobering,” Castiel declares later, hair still wet and shivering despite Dean’s pajama and the blanket someone wrapped around him. 

“Yeah, you’re off the hook for tonight, but we’ll definitely talk about this tomorrow.” Bobby warns. “You sure you don’t need to go to a hospital? Because I put my ass on the line here so you better not die during the night,” Bobby says, arms crossed and looking prickly. 

“I still feel off-center, but I think I’ll be okay,” Cas declares after a pause to assess how he feels. He’s still too cold from the shower, exhausted, and his vision is still a little blurry around the edges. His head is pounding but his heart has slowed down. 

“Good, then I can go back to sleep,” Bobby declares, straightening. “You need a ride, kiddo?” he asks Charlie. 

“What? You’re all leaving?” Dean asks, anxious. 

“You don’t have enough space for all of us out here, and I ain’t sleeping on your crappy couch. You just watch over him. I’ve seen my share of that at the Roadhouse, he’ll be fine,” Bobby dismissed, already getting his car keys out of his pocket. 

“I need to go home,” Cas says, thinking about how worried Jody must be already. What hour is it? She said he needed to be back by eleven but it feels like much later. 

“Nah, you’re alright, kid. I covered for you. Said you’re sleeping at mine,” Bobby explains. 

“Then I should come with you.” He gets up, the plaid falling from his shoulder.

“I ain’t a damn hotel. And I’m not gonna sit by your bedside to make sure you’re not choking on your own puke in your sleep, so you’re staying right here. Just be sure to be at mine by eleven tomorrow so Jody can come get you.”

“I could vomit in my sleep?” Cas worries, eyes round. 

“Charlie, you can stay,” Dean proposes. Or begs?

“Sorry, guys, I can’t. My dad is already sleeping and I don’t want him waking up to me missing. I should be home already,” she apologizes, leaning in to hug Cas. 

“And don’t look at me, I ain’t sleeping on your couch either,” Jo preemptively says. 

“I could make my dad’s bed…”

“Nope,” Jo quips, raising on her tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek. She punches Cas's shoulder amicably. “Don’t die, it would suck,” she declares, with a friendly smile. She then grabs Charlie’s hand and drags her out the door while the red head looks anxiously at Cas. 

“Listen, son,” Bobby says in a serious voice, putting a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “You did good calling me,” he admits, sincere, “but any of you do something that stupid again and I’ll kill you myself, is that clear?” he threatens, looking at Dean until he nods, then at Cas until he does the same. “Good.”

Bobby doesn’t say anything else, just turn around and leave. 

“He’s a very peculiar man,” Cas remarks out loud. 

“That’s one thing to call him,” Dean says with a scoff. He looks down at Castiel and frowns when a shiver makes the young man visibly shake. “You sure you’re okay?”

Cas nods. 

“Shame is my biggest concern right now,” Cas admits somberly. 

“There is no shame among friends. Plus, those people at the party seemed to like you quite a bit, cult boy,” Dean teases. 

Cas groans at the surname. He’s not sure he remembers everything, but that damn chant is still going on in some part of his brain.

“Everyone does stupid shit sometimes, Cas,” Dean reassures. 

************

Cas feels guilty for stealing Dean’s bed, but the jock won’t have it any other way, and Castiel is too tired to fight him. So he slides under covers that smells like Dean. It is not unpleasant. Not at all. 

He frowns through, when Dean sits down in the red armchair, trying to find a comfortable position with some difficulty. 

“You can go sleep elsewhere,” Cas tries, knowing that it’s a lost cause from the way Dean fought him in the whole bed debacle. That boy is as stubborn as a mule. “I feel fine.”

“Shut up and sleep,” Dean grunts, eyes closed and seeming to have found a somewhat comfortable enough position to sleep on that small chair. It doesn’t look comfortable at all. 

“Goodnight to you too, Dean,” Castiel says, aware of the affection that bleeds in his tone. 

“‘Night, Cas.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some noncon elements here in the form of Meg rubbing herself against Cas without his consent. There's also non con drug use as well as mentions of teenagers smoking drugs and underaged drinking. Nothing is explicit.
> 
> Next chapter's title: Pie and responsabilities


	7. Pie and responsabilities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments, I can't express how happy it makes me!
> 
> [I'm also on tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/castielific) I mainly post Destiel, spn and sometimes some cockles or funny stuffs.

************

When he opens his eyes the next morning, Cas immediately jumps in surprise. 

“Heya, Cas,” Sam salutes, sitting crossed legs on the bed beside him and munching on a toast. “So. Are you and Dean going to get married now?” he asks with a very serious face that contradicts the mocking glint in his eyes. 

“Stop torturing Cas and go take your shower, Sammy, ” Dean scolds, barging into the room and slapping the kid with a towel until Sam runs away. Dean gives a towel smack right on Cas’ blanket covered ass too before he goes. “Move your ass too and come eat breakfast, Aurora.”

Cas groans and buries his nose back into the cushy pillow that smells very very good. He must fall back asleep again because the covers are suddenly torn from him, making him jump and yell in shock. 

“Don’t make me splash you with cold water again,” Dean warns. “Come on!” the jock incites. 

Cas sends the other boy a glare over his shoulder and freezes when he notices that Dean is only wearing a towel. His back is to him as he’s going through his drawers in search of clothes. In the next instant, the towel falls to the ground and Dean bends forward to put his legs in his boxers and...yeah, a cold shower ought to do it. Cas is in the bathroom before Dean even has time to turn around. 

************

“Did you pack your homework?” Dean asks, ruffling Sam’s hair as he passes near the couch the kid is sitting on. 

“Yes,” Sam moans, trying to comb his hair back into place with his fingers.

“You sure?” Dean insists, voice stern. 

“No,” the little boy admits, shoulders dropping as he drags his feet toward his bedroom. 

It’s strange how every time Castiel thinks he’s getting to know Dean, the other teen manages to surprise him with another aspect of his personality. He’d seen Dean and Sam together before, but never like this, never in their own home. Of course, he had noticed how much Dean cares about his little brother, and how their dad never seems to be around, but now that he’s here and can’t see any sign of another man's presence at all in this home, he wonders for the first time how often their dad is actually here. 

Sam comes back with his backpack on one shoulder. 

“You brushed your teeth?” Dean asks, making the little boy turn around on the ball of his feet right away and go back the way he came. 

“You take good care of your brother,” Cas remarks, not daring to pry, but still curious and a little impressed. 

“Someone ought to,” Dean answers simply with a shrug, wiping the counter and cleaning out Sam’s plate. He’s doing it on automatic, like he does it every morning. Castiel is starting to realize that he probably does. 

“Dean, I can’t find my brown hoodie!” Sam yells from the other room. 

“Sorry.” Dean rolls his eyes, throws the last crumb in the sink and goes to Sam’s room, still wiping his hand on a dish towel. 

Castiel frowns. He used to have a lot of siblings, and he knows how much work taking care of a kid is. He can't imagine doing it alone. 

Castiel wanders around the living room, trying to not look like he’s snooping. There’s a family photo on a bookcase. On it, a handsome young man with dark hair and blue eyes has an arm around a beautiful blonde. He’s holding a little boy that must be around six years old on his other arm. The lady has a newborn in her arms. They’re standing in front of Dean’s car. Squinting, he recognizes the little kid as Dean. 

He wonders where those people are now. 

Dean never talked about them, and Castiel never asked. Has he been so engrossed in his own problems that he never even questioned Dean’s dad's absence? He’s ashamed to realize that he probably was.

Next to the TV, there’s a photo of two little boys and what looks like Dean’s dad. He’s older and has a beard, but it’s definitely him. Dean is hugging Sam from behind and they’re both laughing at the camera. Dean must be around 8 or 9 and Sam is still a toddler. 

There’s no other photos, nothing more recent, and Castiel wonders. How long has the boys’ father been gone? What about their mother? 

He’s interrupted by Sam running straight to the front door, barely stopping as he runs outside screaming “shotgun!”. Castiel has no idea what that means. 

  
  


************

Castiel winces at the noises of cutlery scraping plates. Despite the Advils Bobby’s given him, his head is still hurting. He feels like he would be better off in his bed right now, but when Jody arrived with beers, ribs and a pie, it became clear that it would be hard for them to convince her that he’d rather go home without her becoming suspicious. Hell, that discussion was never happening as soon as Dean heard the word pie. 

Bobby fired up the grill while the boys set the table, and the girls made a potato salad. It was all very domestic. Castiel enjoyed it despite the headache, knowing that now that autumn was coming, this might be one of their last barbecues in Bobby’s garden. Well, they all called it a garden, but it was actually a patch of grass and a junkyard. Castiel had come to love it anyway. 

The ribs are gone fast, and Dean’s eyes keep skewing in the pie’s direction like he just can’t wait for it anymore. It’s very endearing. 

“So, Dean, are you applying for team captain again this year?” Jody asks casually, serving Sam some potato salad. Jody has become quite enamoured with the kid over the summer. Sam knows how to put his cute face to good use, so he’s getting pampered every time she’s over. 

“Nah, I’m done with sports,” Dean says casually, chewing on a too big chunk of bread. That man is _not_ an attractive eater, Castiel isn’t even sure how he made a piece that big fit into his mouth in the first place. Or _why_. 

“Like hell you are,” Bobby grunts in indignation. Dean rolls his eyes like they already had that discussion many times. “I didn’t move my ass all the way here from Sioux Fall just to watch you waste your chance at going to College.”

Jody sends Cas an ill-at-ease look, probably realizing she asked a delicate question. 

“Well it’s not like I intend to go to College anyway so…” Dean grumbles to his plate, just loud enough for Bobby to take it as a taunt. 

“Oh boy,” Jo declares, “come on, Sammy, time to go do some homework,” she says, taking Sam’s hand and nearly lifting him from his chair in her haste to run away. 

“But my potato salad!” Sam whines while she drags him inside.

Cas looks at him with envy, because he feels like he doesn’t want to be there for what will follow either. Bobby is looking murderous and the atmosphere is very tense.

“Don’t test me, son,” Bobby warns. “You’ll get that stubborn ass of yours back into that god damn team until you get that scholarship.”

“And then what?” Dean demands, eyes flashing. 

“And then you go and have a nice life, you idjit!” Bobby screams back, hitting the table. 

Jody is nearly sliding under the table at that point. Castiel is both captivated and horrified. He’s never felt so out of place than looking at this. 

“Can you believe that idiot?” Bobby asks them. Well, okay, Castiel can get more embarrassed than that. He looks from Dean to Bobby with round eyes, mouth open but not knowing what to say. 

“Listen, Bobby, maybe you ought to calm down and we can all talk this over,” Jody tries to appease. 

“I’m not going to calm down and let him make the biggest mistake of his life!” Bobby screams in response, clearly not pacified. 

“And I’m not going to abandon my brother to go to some stupid ass College, so you can shove it, Bobby,” Dean answers, voice as strained as Castiel has ever heard it. The jock’s fists are clenched on the table. “Now, are we going to eat that freaking pie or should I just leave right now?” he says, voice calmer but eyes flashing dangerously at his uncle. 

“You’re throwing your life away, kid,” Bobby sighs, deflating. He sits back, taking off his cap to rub at the top of his head. He looks defeated. 

“That’s not your responsibility, Bobby,” Dean affirms, getting up. “I’m going to get Jo and _my_ little brother,” he declares, pausing for a second with an insistent stare at Bobby before he continues. “And then we’re going to eat some delicious pie,” he announces with a grin so fake that it irks Castiel. 

Dean sends another look around the table, not crossing anyone’s eyes, before he goes inside. The only sign of his anger is the way the door closes a little too harshly behind him. 

“John, you freaking asshole,” Bobby mumbles soberly to himself, shaking his head. Jody squeezes his hand on the table, trying to console him. 

“Bobby, maybe the boy’s getting old enough to make his own choice,” Jody points out, gently. “If he doesn’t want to play sports or go to College, that’s his decision.”

“That’s not about what he _wants_ to do. That boy hadn’t thought about anything but his brother’s needs since he was six. That just ain’t right,” Bobby affirms vehemently. Repeating his last words a second time in despair. 

When Bobby passes a hand over his eyes, Cas turns his gaze down. He doesn’t want to know if it’s tears he’s wiping. Castiel gets up silently and leaves. He’s been intrusive enough for the day. 

************

“Sorry about the scene earlier,” Dean declares, sitting down beside him and dropping a plate full of pie on Cas’s lap. 

Castiel is sitting on the top of a pile of crushed cars. They came here a few times over the summer to watch the stars. It’s far enough from the house and high enough that they can’t hear anything from here. At night, the stars aren't as obstructed by the town’s light and pollution. At this hour of the day, they can see a part of the lake, nestled in the middle of the forest at the edge of town. 

“I like this spot,” Castiel declares. 

“Yeah, it’s my favorite one too,” Dean nods, shoving some pie in his mouth with his bare hands.

He doesn’t seem to have brought a fork for himself, even though there is one on Castiel’s plate. It makes Castiel think back to what Bobby said about Dean never putting his own needs first. 

“You’ve been a remarkable friend to me these last few weeks, Dean.” 

Dean stops his hygienically dubious behavior with the pie for a second to search Cas’ eyes.

“Thank you,” he says, looking hesitant. “I think,” he adds before picking a bit of apple and popping it in his mouth with a cheeky grin. 

“I hope you know that I, too, am your friend and-”

“Yeah yeah, slow you roll, Cassidy, I know where you’re going with that,” Dean interrupts, deposing his empty plate on the car roof next to him and wiping his hands covered in sugar and crumbs on his jeans. “I know I owe you a story.” 

“You don’t owe me anything, Dean,” Cas corrects earnestly. 

“Yeah I do. You told me that whole story about your brother and I’ve told you nearly zero personal things about me yet,” Dean argues. “Plus your whole family history is on every time I turn on my TV these days, so it kinda feels unbalanced.” 

“Dean, there’s no need to feel obligated to-” 

“I don’t. That’s not what this is about,” he admits. “I want to tell you, Cas,” Dean confides, looking him in the eyes. “I just...I will. But not today, alright?” he adds with a small smile, insecure. 

“Of course. You can always talk to me, Dean. All I wanted was for you to know that,” Castiel says sincerely. 

“I know.” Dean sways a little closer, knocking their shoulders together. “Now I do have a very important question for you,” he adds with a serious tone. 

“Anything.” 

“Are you going to eat that pie?” Dean asks, pointing to the plate that Cas still hasn’t touched. Cas chuckles, giving his plate to Dean who beams at him in return. The jock then proceeds to stuff the whole slice in his mouth in one go, chewing exaggeratedly with his mouth open until Castiel bursts out laughing. 

  
  


************

“Oh thank God!” Dean says as soon as he opens the front door and sees Cas. He grabs the front of his shirt and drags him to his bedroom while Castiel follows, his eyes getting rounder and rounder as he realizes where they’re going. Dean stops them when they’re in front of his bed and points at it. “Which one?” . 

“I’m very confused.” He looks down at the bed where clothes are led out as if they were on a person. There are three different ensembles. 

“I have a job interview tomorrow morning, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to wear,” Dean explains, biting his thumb nervously as he observes the clothes on the bed. He interchanges two shirts and inclines his head, trying to judge if it’s better or worse like this. 

“And you thought _I_ could help?” Cas asks, doubtful. He’s regularly mocked for his lack of fashion sense. “Dean, I spend the first eleven years of my life wearing the same grey suits and white shirts every single day. And everyone I knew back then wore the exact same outfit,” he explains with a grimace. “You should ask Jo. Or Charlie. I’m not qualified for the task.”

“Jo would just cackle and never let me live it down. And no offense, but I’ve never seen Charlie with a shirt that doesn’t have a funny quote or picture on it, so I’m not convinced she’s qualified either,” Dean notes. He looks Castiel from head to toe. Cas is wearing a green tee shirt with a red hoodie jacket and simple blue jeans. Not exactly a fashion icon either. Dean tilts his head sideways, like he realizes that, but also knows Cas is all he’s got so that will have to do. “Come on, pick one,” he finally urges, designating the bed. 

Cas sighs and observes the outfits. The first one is a pair of basic blue jeans and a black tee. Classic, simple, not very original. Dean always looks good in that attire though. 

“What kind of job is it?” Cas asks, observing the second outfit. Darker jeans, white shirt and a grey suit jacket. Classier, more professional. 

“Part time sales associates at a sports shop.”

“I’ve never ever been inside a sports shop,” Cas grumbles, shoulders dropping. The last outfit is a formal black suit and a white shirt, with a black tie over it. “Dean,” Cas whines, at a loss. 

“Alright, you know what? How about I put them on and you just tell me which one looks the best?” Dean suggests, eager. 

“Okay,” Cas answers, a bit reticent. He’s not sure that will help at all. 

“Great. Just sit and enjoy the fashion show then,” Dean says, grabbing Cas’ shoulders and making him sit on the edge of the bed. Dean takes off his shirt immediately after, and Cas’ eyes go round. The other teen notices his shock and smirks. “Nothing you haven’t seen before, bucko,” he adds with a wink before opening his pants. 

“I haven’t seen _that_ ,” he quirps, blushing with the memory of a towel falling to the ground. Dean just chuckles and puts on the first outfit. Castiel tries to keep his eyes on the ground. It’s not easy.

“So?” Dean asks, spreading his arms and turning on himself with a little walk. 

“As expected, they are _clothes_.” 

“Jeez, thanks, you really know how to boost a guy's ego,” Dean grumbles, a smirk at the corner of his lips contradicting the vexation he’s mimicking. 

“We both know you’re going to look good in all of those, Dean,” Cas offers, trying to underrate the compliment with an eye roll. 

“That we do, buddy,” Dean says, raising his eyebrows a few times with a grin as he drops his pants. Cas blushes a little before grabbing the pants of the second outfit and throwing them at him. “You know, people generally want me to take my pants off, not put some on.”. 

For the first time since he was five and got severely chastised for it, Castiel feels the urge to stick his tongue out to someone. So he does. Dean's laugh feels very satisfying. 

  
  


************ 

In the end, they chose the second outfit. Dean gets the job. Castiel starts regretting it when that means they don't have as much time to spend together anymore. Between taking care of Sam, school and his job, Dean always seems busy. 

At least, now that he’s not an honorary jock anymore, Dean sits with them nearly every lunch. The table feels strangely bereft when he doesn’t, and so does Castiel’s mood. 

He’s not sure what that means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter. It mostly serves as an introduction for the second arc of this story. Can you guess what it'll be about? :-p
> 
> Next chapter's title: Volcanoes!


	8. Volcanoes!

************

Castiel was twelve the first time he went to school. 

It took thirteen months after Jimmy’s death before a bunch of psychiatrists and doctors decided that they should give it a try. 

It didn’t go well. 

Castiel was too small for his age, didn’t have hair, and was still petrified at any social interaction. He had only been talking for four months, after eight months of selective mutism. He felt and looked too different to really fit in with kids his age. He was barely starting to let his guard down around Jody. When his foster mom came to get him that afternoon, all his school supplies had been stolen, and he had bruises on his face.

Jody promised him she would never force him to go back and she never did. They talked about it often, because Jody always believed it would be good for him, but she always made it clear that the decision was his. It took Castiel nearly three years to gather the courage to go back. He was in a much better place by then. He still isn’t sure that second try would have worked, had it not been for Charlie. 

Suffice to say, Castiel didn’t receive a conventional education growing up. 

While Metatron taught all the Children of Heaven how to read, write and some very basic mathematics, it didn’t take long for Castiel to realize that the curriculum of Heaven wasn’t very broad. The only books they ever studied were the one his Father wrote himself and while Carver Edlund was indeed prolific, it didn’t vary much in genre. Even the best books become quite redundant when there are the only five you get to read for nearly a decade. 

Castiel will never forget the elation he felt the day Jody showed him her bookcase and told him he could read any book he wanted. It has been such a shock to discover that other books existed. It took him days to dare to open one, still terrified that his Father would punish him for it. He read the first one with his heart beating fast and hands sweating. It was the most daring thing he had ever done in his entire life. Once it was done, he waited for two days, expecting to be punished by some magical force for his sins. Nothing happened. 

After that, there was nothing holding back his curiosity and thirst for knowledge. It took him less than a fortnight to read every single book that Jody had in the house. She took pity on him the day she found him reading the instruction manual for her oven with a passion normally reserved for the best literary masterpieces. She rolled her eyes and offered him to go to the closest library so he could pick any book he liked. 

Castiel was reticent about that idea. He rarely got out of the house by that point, still unused to pretty much everything that constitutes normalcy for other people, and scared of the outside world. There were too many people, too many noises, and so many things that he didn’t understand. He would get panicked and overwhelmed every time Jody tried to show him someplace new. His mishap with school only reinforced his fear. People always send weird looks to the little boy with no hair, but they had never been mean to him before. Jody was persistent though and they would take two outings of his choice every week, generally to the woods or the park. 

The prospect of more books was too tantalizing, and he timidly agreed to go to this unknown dreamland that Jody promised he would like. He sweated nervously the whole car ride and was glued to Jody’s side as she practically had to carry him inside. When he looked around for the first time, all he could see was rows and rows of books everywhere. He had never felt such wonderment before. 

“Whose books are those?” he asked timidly, not daring to reach out and touch them, but desperately wanting too. 

Jody explained the concept of a library to him. Castiel ended up being so overwhelmed, that he had an anxiety attack. There were just so many books, how was he supposed to choose only five at once? How could he possibly make the right choice? 

A few weeks later, it was Jody who had an anxiety fit when she came home and he wasn’t there. He had gone out on his own (not knowing it wasn’t allowed, since Jody never thought it was necessary to explicit that rule to a boy that generally refuses to step outside) and walked the four miles that separate their house to the library. He had finished reading all the books he had rented during their last trip there, and wanted some others.

The whole Sheriff’s department and quite a few FBI agents searched him for three hours before a deputy found him sitting crossed legs on the ground of the entomology section at the town’s library, reading a book about bees. 

When Jody asked him why he didn’t come home, eyes’ wet with relief and still trembling with anxiety, he just told her that he wanted to know more about bees, and didn’t have a library card to take the book home. 

She made him his own library card and bought him a bike that week. They spend the weekend practicing riding it, and learning about traffic laws. 

For weeks, he only rode to and from Sioux Fall’s library, never daring to deviate from his route because he didn’t think it was allowed. He only ever spent time with his psychiatrists, Jody, and Missouri, the town librarian. She was a nice lady that always knew exactly which book he would like. He used to leave little reviews on post-it notes stuck to the front of the books he brought back, to let her know that her suggestions were appreciated. She always called him “sugar” and had a nice laugh. 

One day, he was riding to town to bring back a book about volcanoes called ‘Volcanoes!’, when he saw Raphael, one of his father’s Archangels, sitting on a bench in front of the library. 

Castiel never got to give Missouri her book back, or tell her he liked it.

Jody and him were on a plane to Kansas the next day, two FBI agents at their side. Castiel didn’t get to ride his bike or go to the library without an escort for ten months. He had only just started to believe that he would get to be a normal kid one day, but seeing Raphael made him realize that it wasn’t true. That would never be true. He would never be truly free. 

He put the book on volcanoes in his bag the first day of school, nearly two years later, as a reminder of who he was, and what he couldn’t have. He never took it out.

Until now. 

Now ‘Volcanoes!” is sitting on the desk in front of him, making Castiel realize that he hadn’t taken notice of or thought about that book for months. The only reason he was reminded of it now was because Jody brought him a new school bag and he had to empty the old one. 

The next morning when he leaves for school, there’s a new addition to Jody’s bookcase. 

************

“Come on, it will be fun!” Jo encourages, and Castiel squints at her, suspicious. 

He knows Jo enough by now to know that her being so enthusiastic about something is a cause for mistrust. Plus, he didn’t exactly have a good experience at his last party. It wasn’t as dramatic or dangerous as they all keep telling him when they badger him to tell them who drugged him, but Castiel doesn’t really feel like renewing the experience anyway. He’s not an idiot, and will never take a drink from a stranger again (they’ve told him this about a thousand times each since then), especially from Meg, but it’s not like he was even enjoying the party prior to that. 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Charlie admits, to everyone’s surprise.

She still feels very guilty about what happened at their last party, and has threatened to do unspeakable things (albeit less violent than Jo’s) to the person who did this to him, which is in part why Cas never admitted that it was Meg. He doesn’t want his friends to get into trouble because of him. They’ve all pretty much sworn to defend or avenge him after those events, and none of the ways they plan to do that are legal. Castiel doesn’t care about Meg, but he does care about his friends. 

“You don’t have to deprive yourself. You can go to that Halloween party without me. I am perfectly content staying at home,” Castiel reassures, sincerely. 

“Bullshit!” Jo exclaims. 

“We’re not leaving you alone while we’re going to a party, Cas,” Charlie affirms calmly, like the idea seems inconceivable. 

“You know, I have to stay with Sammy anyway so…” Dean starts to say. 

“Double bullshit!” Jo yells, harsher this time. “You know Bobby can watch him whenever. He’s told you like a gazillion times already.” 

“Yes, and I’ve told him that we’re  _ fine _ ,” Dean says pointely. 

His relationship with Bobby has been tense since the day after the party, five weeks ago. It had taken a turn for the worse when Dean took a job against Bobby’s advice. They’re barely speaking as it is. Castiel can also feel some unresolved tension between the two cousins. 

Jo vented to them about it once, explaining how Bobby wished that Dean and Sam would just come live with them. Apparently, Dean is acting like ‘a stubborn asshole’ and refuses to do so. Bobby is spending a lot of time on the phone with Jody lately, and while Cas tries not to eavesdrop, he’s heard her say the Winchester name quite a few times. 

Castiel doesn’t ask though, because Dean promised him he would tell him eventually. Cas doesn’t want to intrude on that. Dean will tell him when he feels like telling him. Or not. That’s Dean’s decision. 

“What do you think we are,  _ blind _ ?” Jo taunts. “You’re nowhere near ‘fine’,” she says, quoting him mockingly, visibly short tempered.

“You do seem pretty tired those days, Dean,” Charlie agrees timidly, “and Kevin told me that you’re failing English and Biology.” 

“So what, you all gossip about me behind my back now?” Dean asks, looking pissed. 

Castiel doesn’t say anything, staring at his plate. He knows for a fact that Dean is failing History class too, because he forgot about his mid-trimester presentation. Mr Redfield admonished him in front of the whole class, saying his grades have dropped this year.    
Castiel suggested to Dean that they study together, but the other boy dismissed him, saying he didn’t have the time for a study group. Castiel knows it’s true, because he can see how Dean is always late in the morning, and practically running to his car as soon as the bell rang last period. He also mentioned how lucky he was that his boss was nice enough to let Sam stay in one of the little offices in the shop to read or do his homework while Dean is at work.

Cas understands that Bobby and Jo’s anger at Dean comes out of their worry for him, because it makes Cas angry too when he thinks about how unfair it is that Dean has to carry so much on his shoulders. He wishes he knew how to help. When he asked Jody for advice she just looked sad and told him that sometimes all you can do is wait for someone to be ready to ask for help. 

So Castiel waits and doesn’t say anything. He never knew not doing anything could be this hard. 

“What were you saying about Sammy?” Cas tries to change the subject, ignoring the heated stares his friends are exchanging. 

“As I was saying,” Dean starts again, with a pointed look in the girl's direction before he turns to Cas on his right. “I have to work ‘till six thirty on Saturday, and after that I promised Sammy we would go knock on a few doors. I was thinking that you could come with us, Cas. We could make it a night, eat too many candies and watch horror movies or something.” 

“Thank you, Dean, that sounds lovely,” He ignores Dean’s nose scrunching up at the word ‘lovely’. “Would I be obligated to wear a disguise myself?” Cas asks, reluctant at the idea. 

“Yup!” Dean confirms with a cheeky grin. “Costumes are mandatory, and you’ve already said yes, so no take backs.” 

Charlie clears her throat very loudly. When Dean turned toward her, she looks affronted, but less serious than before. She sends him a meaningful look, repeatedly designing Jo and herself. Dean sighs dramatically and rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah okay, you two can come too,” he concedes, clearly faking being reluctant. 

  
  


************

When Castiel arrives at Dean’s house on Saturday, it’s Jo who opens the door and bursts out laughing when she sees him.

Jo is wearing blue and red shorts shorts with a white crop top with “Daddy’s lil monster” written on it. Her blonde hair is parted into two ponytails, the tip of one having been colored in pink, and the other in blue. When she notices him observing her, she grabs a baseball bat behind the door, raising it and cocking her hip sideway with a wink. 

“Harley Quinn?” Cas asks with a smile, proud to be able to recognize it. 

He may not be well versed in pop culture, but this one was pretty hard to miss, what with that big movie coming, and Charlie’s excitement over it. Castiel has to admit that it fits Jo well. 

He enters and Charlie screams in glee when she sees him. 

“Oh my God, Castiel you look so cute!” Charlie exclaims, jumping up from the couch and running to him. She’s wearing a green bodysuit along with green tights and a pointy green domino mask over her eyes. She seems to have wrapped plastic ivy around her torso, ankles and some part of her arms. Her red hair is curlier than usual and her lipstick flashy.

She’s turning around him, observing his costume. 

“He wasn’t supposed to be cute!” Jo protests. “We said villains or gory. That’s not scary!”

Castiel looks down to his costume. It’s a striped yellow and black bodysuit stuffed with foam to make him look rounder, along with black leggings. The outfit also has little black round wings. It also goes with a headband that mimics antennae, bouncing around every time he moves his head. It’s very impractical and far from anatomically accurate, but he likes it.

“Apiphobia is one of the most common phobias, as is entomophobia. So bees are, technically, very scary to people,” Castiel argues. 

Jo frowns at him before sticking her tongue out. 

“What’s apitophobia?” Sam asks, curious.

He’s sitting on the couch with a sandwich on his lap. He, too, is clothed all in green with a pointy green tunic and dark green legging. He has a large brown belt with a little pouch. He’s also wearing a triangular hat adorned with a red feather.

“Apiphobia,” Castiel corrects gently. “It’s the fear of bees, so is melissophobia. Entomophobia is the general fear of insects,” Cas explains, coming closer. 

He likes the young boy. He’s smart, curious and well spoken despite the way his family generally talk.

Castiel tries to sit, but immediately gets up again. His costume is adorned with a plastic sting, and that does not feel comfortable when he sits down. He had to ride his bike standing up all the way here. He ignores Jo's mocking cackle when she notices him jump back up to his feet. 

“Are your costume and Charlie’s supposed to be related?” Cas asks the little boy, looking at the both of them dressed all in green. 

“No! I’m Poison Ivy, that’s super obvious!” Charlie says, looking scandalized. “He’s clearly Peter Pan,” she exclaims, pointing at Sam. “Nice costume by the way, Sam. Peter Pan is obviously a villain, I totally agree with that statement.”

“I’m not a villain,” Sam protests. “I’m the hero! Dean is the villain.”

“Are you though?” Charlie asks, dubious. “I mean, Peter Pan kidnaps kids and gets pretty pissy when they try to grow up or go home. Plus, he bullies Captain Hook and his crew,” she argues, looking ready to debate about it.

“Someone called me?” Dean announces with a fake voice, jumping arms spread wide into the living room and making Sam giggle. His hair is covered by a wing of long curly black hair. He’s wearing a long red coat with gold and black embroidery over a black dress shirt and black leather pants. On his head sits a huge purple hat with lots of white feathers. 

“Oh my god, you look awesome!” Charlie yells in excitement. 

Castiel squints, that’s not the word he would have used. Dean looks ridiculous. That costume is highly unflattering. 

It gets worse when Sam and the girls insist that Dean needs a moustache and draw him a big curly one with eyeliner. They also put eyeliner around his eyes, which Castiel isn’t as opposed to. 

Cas is still reflecting on the way it makes Dean’s eyes seem even clearer when Jo jumps on him from behind, immobilizing him as Charlie approaches with the eyeliner. Despite his protests, they paint the tip of his nose in black and add three black freckles on his cheeks. Which makes no sense since bees don’t have freckles, but they don’t seem to care. Dean and Sam just sit and mock the ‘grumpy cat face’ that Castiel is apparently making during the whole process. 

They then all go through that strange process during which they go to strangers’ doors to ask for candies, threatening mischief if the adults don’t give them some. His friends seem strangely delighted by it all. Castiel makes sure to thank every neighbor and wish them all a good evening. 

By the time their bags are full of sweets, Jo had snatched Dean’s wig off, because he kept complaining that it itched. Jo isn’t a very patient woman. Charlie has lost most of the plastic ivy that was wrapped around her along the way and doesn’t have any lipstick left so she looks more like a gym instructor from the 80s than Poison Ivy by now (according to Dean). Cas for his part can’t wait to take that costume off. With all that foam he’s basically wearing a huge puffy jacket and he’s been sweating for the last hour and a half. 

They are all ready to turn back and go home when they walk near a crowded house that is blasting music. They all stop when a group of what look like undead footballers yell Dean’s name and start approaching them, looking quite drunk. 

“Dean, brother, you came!” the husky jock that Castiel identifies as Benny salutes, throwing one arm over Dean’s shoulder. “Come have a drink with me, I miss you my friend.”

“Sorry, Benny, I can’t tonight,” Dean apologizes, with a nod in Sam’s direction. 

The kid looks more interested in ransacking Dean’s bag of candies while he’s distracted than by the interaction. 

“Come on, bro, just one drink!” Ash, disguised as another zombie footballer, entices. 

Despite his protests, they start manhandling Dean toward the house. His friend sends a worried look toward them and Castiel lay a hand on Sam’s shoulder to silently reassure Dean that they’re staying right here. 

When Cas looks up, the girls are looking at the house with envy. 

“It’s okay, you can go too. Sammy and I will just wait for you here.” Castiel says, pointing to a few garden chairs that have been laid out in the front lawn and vacated. 

“You sure?” Charlie asks, indecisive. “It’s just...Rumor is Billie turned the whole first floor into a horror house and…” Charlie starts explaining. 

“Go, you’ll tell me all about it when you come back,” Castiel offers with a smile. 

“I want to see it too!” Sam quips. 

“No way that’s happening,” Jo says firmly, not letting any space for argument and making Sam deflate, “but if you stick your ass on that chair and don’t act like a brat to Cas, I’ll give you half my candy. How does that sound?”

“Easy!” Sam says. “I’m never a brat anyway,” he adds with a big smile, showing his dimples. 

Jo rolls her eyes and points to the chair. Sam runs to it and sits straight with a cheeky grin that reminds Cas of Dean. 

“Ten minutes, I swear,” Charlie vows. 

“We’ll take pictures of all the fun stuff!” Jo yells as the girls are running toward the house. 

Cas goes to sit in the chair beside Sam, facing the house. He thinks back on it though, when he notices how much explicit content they can actually see from here. He gets up and lifts the chair along with Sam to turn him in the other direction, making the young boy yelp in indignation. Cas gives him a stern gaze and the boy pouts. 

“I’ve seen worse on Netflix, you know.”

“I haven’t,” Castiel grumbles to himself, watching as one of his schoolmates pours some of his beer into a girl’s decolletage and licks it off. That’s just unhygienic. Cas groans in disgust and gets up, turning his own chair in the same direction as Sam’s, watching the street instead. 

Most kids had made their rounds earlier and have already gone home by now, so the street is empty, saved for a few preteens passing by, looking at the party with envy. 

“How come you don’t want to go inside?” Sam asks, chewing on one of his fudge candy. 

Cas knows that Dean had forbidden the kid from eating anything before they get home, but the teenager doesn’t feel like lecturing Sam. 

“I don’t like parties.”

“Me neither, they’re lame,” Sam agrees, solemn. 

Cas can’t help but chuckles at seeing him make such a serious face, knowing that he probably never even went to the kind of party they’re talking about. 

“You’re very different from your brother, then,” Cas remarks, thinking back to all the stories he heard about Dean’s flings and party adventures. 

“He doesn’t like them either, he just thinks he should.”

Cas squints at the kid, thinking back to what Miss Barnes told him one day about adolescence. Maybe he and Dean aren’t that different in that aspect. 

He’s interrupted in his reflection by the sound of the crowd yelling in excitement inside the house. They both turn just in time to see Charlie come out of the house with a confident step and infuriated look that Castiel is not used to seeing on his cheery friend’s face. Jo and Dean are trailing her, looking both bewildered and elated. 

Cas gets up when Charlie approaches and she immediately falls in his chair. 

“What happened?” he asks, getting worried as Charlie seems to be holding her hands against her chest.

“She punched Meg!” Dean exclaims, eyes bright with amazement. 

“It was epic!” Jo adds looking delighted. 

“What? Why? Are you hurt?” Cas asks, crouching in front of his friend and trying to look at her hand. 

His touch on her arm seems to get her out of the dazed state in which she had fallen when she sat down. She looks up and there is suddenly a radiant smile on her face. 

“I punched her, Cas! Her nose, like, gushed out blood!” she states passionately. 

Castiel frowns. He can’t help but think that she may have been spending too much time with Jo lately to glorify violence this way. .

“Meg was talking shit about you,” Dean clarifies, probably noticing his friend’s lack of understanding. 

“You shouldn’t have hit her. You could get into trouble, Charlie,” Cas says, anxious. 

“We know it was her that drugged you,” Jo explains. “We already thought so, but the crazy bitch all but confessed, bragging about it,” she continues, looking pissed just thinking back about it. “I was ready to punch her myself, but then Charlie just blam!” Jo yells, miming the appropriate gesture energetically. “She went for it, and broke the bitch’s nose!”

“I wanted to see that!” Sam exclaims, mouth gaping and looking crushed he didn’t get to. 

Dean rolls his eyes affectionately. 

“All you’re gonna see is your bed at this hour. Come on, let’s go home,” he gently reprimands, pulling his brother's arms until he stands up. Dean puts an arm around Sam’s shoulder and starts walking in the direction they came from. Jo trots to them and steals the cherry lollipop that Dean was on the verge of putting in his own mouth. She smiles cheekily at him while sucking on the candy and Dean rolls his eyes, putting his free arm around her. 

Cas stays a little behind, walking beside Charlie. 

“I don’t feel comfortable with you putting yourself in danger like this, Charlie.” He confides after a few steps, sending worried looks to the young woman. “You don’t need to defend me.”

“I know I don’t need to, Cas. I  _ wanted _ to,” she assures. “That’s what friends do,” she adds sincerely. “The fact that your first reaction is to be worried about me kinda says that you would have done the same.”

Castiel chews his lip, reflecting on what his reaction would be if someone dared to hurt Charlie. 

“You’re right, I would,” he finally admits, surprised himself at the vehemence of the feelings that thought makes him feel. 

“Hear that, Jo?!” Charlie calls to her friend who is walking a few steps in front of them. “You break my heart and my best friend Castiel will break your nose!” 

“Yeah, right,” Jo puffs, clearly unimpressed. 

“Same goes for you, Winchester!” Charlie adds with a fake glare at Dean. 

“Why would Dean ever break your-” Cas starts, stopping himself at the pointed look she’s giving him. “Oh.” 

  
  


************

Sam is not happy about the fact that he has to go to bed when they get back to Dean’s house. He’s even less thrilled to leave all the candies with them, even though they promised not to touch his bag. It takes Dean nearly an hour of negotiating, and some really impressive manhandling, before the kid passes out in his bed. 

The girls spend that time making Castiel try all kinds of candies to determine which one he likes. 

By that time Dean comes back, Cas feels bloated and they all look way scarier than they did at the beginning of the evening. Charlie’s hair is in disarray and her hand is swollen under a bag of frozen peas. Jo’s pigtails have significantly flagged and her mascara is smudge...which actually makes her look even more like the character she’s dressed up as. 

When Dean comes back, he’s been struggling so much with Sammy that somehow his mustache got erased on one side. He’s also dropped the hat and the vest, leaving him only in leather pants, a dark shirt and slightly smudged eyeliner. Castiel is very confused by how much his own body seems to like that outfit. 

Castiel took off his bee costume as soon as they got inside, borrowing one of Dean’s shirts to put over his black leggings. He feels much better now that he doesn’t feel like he’s inside an oven. Plus, the shirt smells nice. 

“That doesn’t look good,” Dean says with a wince, crouching in front of Charlie and looking at her knuckles. 

They’re starting to get blue and she can barely move her fingers. Castiel feels his throat close up under the guilt. As if she can actually sense it, Charlie turns toward him with a pointed look. 

“I’m  _ fine _ ,” she assures. “No regrets, honestly!”

He nods back silently, because he knows she’s telling the truth. She may not be regretting it, but he still does. 

“Come on, Ivy, we’re going to make a trip to the hospital,” Jo declares, getting up. She might be short tempered and pretty harsh, but she’s done nothing but fuss over Charlie since her hand has started to swell. Jo obviously cares a lot about Castiel’s best friend. 

“I don’t want to go to the hospital. I want to watch scary movies with my friends,” Charlie pouts. 

“Even if I give you half of my candy?” Dean mocks, using the exact same argument and tone he did with Sam earlier. Charlie sulks. She still snatches his bag of sweets and holds it to her chest though. 

“Come on, it’s Halloween! Imagine how great the ER must look right now with a bunch of drunk Jokers and zombie cheerleaders bleeding all over the place. We can even bet on which blood is fake, it will be fun!” Jo encourages, looking honestly thrilled by the prospect. 

Sometimes Castiel worries about that girl. 

“That does sound like fun,” Charlie admits grudgingly. “You think the doctor will be dressed up too?” she adds, eyes starting to shine with excitement.

“Only one way to know,” Dean concludes. 

It doesn’t take much coaxing after that, Charlie nearly seeming to forget that they’re going to the hospital because she’s hurt herself, not because it sounds fun. Dean and Castiel watch the girls go, waving at the door until Jo’s car turns at the end of the road. 

“She’ll be okay,” Dean assures for the tenth time. Cas still worries but feels his frown relaxing a little at the reassurance. “I must have busted my hand like that at least five times, and I’m fine.”

“That’s not reassuring, that’s concerning,” Cas notes, frowning again. Why is Dean going around punching people?

“Come on, we’ve still got a movie to watch,” Dean encourages, closing the front door and grabbing the TV remote on the coffee table. 

“I don’t think we have time for a movie, I have to be home by eleven,” Castiel announces regretfully. 

It’s past 10 p.m. already. 

“Oh.” Dean looks disappointed as well. “I was kinda looking forward to showing you your first horror movie,” he says, fidgeting with the remote. 

“I don’t really see the appeal of that genre,” Cas admits, scrunching up his nose. 

His friends showed him a lot of movies’ trailers while they were choosing what they were supposed to watch tonight. None of those movies seemed like something Castiel wishes to see. 

“Okay, well now I’ll definitely have to show you ‘All Saint’s Day’. Hatchet man is  _ awesome. _ ”

“You all use that word way too much,” Cas remarks. Dean rolls his eyes good naturally. 

“Come on, grumpy, we still have some time, we’ll just watch some scary videos on my phone,” Dean invites, patting the sit beside him on the couch and crossing his legs. “Don’t scream too loud though, Sammy is sleeping,” Dean teases when Castiel installs himself with his legs under himself on the couch. His chest is brushing Dean’s arm as he leans to see the phone in the other boy's hands. 

“I never scream.” 

That turned out to be an involuntary lie. It’s barely five minutes later before Castiel yelps, making Dean cackles with laughter. 

“You jumped too!” Castiel accuses defensively, cheek burning and heart still beating too fast. 

“Of course I did, Cas, that’s a jump scare. That’s what they’re made for!” Dean explains, beaming.

“Show me another one, I won’t jump this time,” Cas demands, stubborn. 

They end up looking at four others, Castiel jumping and yelping every single time. Dean is laughing so loud that it’s a miracle Sam doesn’t wake up. 

“I don’t understand. I  _ know _ it’s coming!” Cas groans, frustrated. “Are all horror movies like that?”

“No, there are a lot of different kinds. That’s what’s great about them, they make you feel stuff whether you want it or not.”.

“Show me a different one,” Cas asks, curious. He’s been scared before, terrified even, but this feels different. Dean’s laugh is here to remind him that he’s safe anyway. 

  
Dean puts on another video. It’s longer and the teenager was right, it has nothing to do with the other ones. Castiel’s heart is pounding, his whole body tense in anticipation, but this time it’s more about suspense and mystery. The unknown feels even more scary than monsters jumping in front of the camera. 

Despite himself, Cas can’t help but lean a little more against Dean, seeking comfort as he can’t divert his eyes from the screen. When the video ends, there are no real answers, no real end, just doubt and the feeling that something wasn’t right. 

Castiel blinks when the screen becomes black. He looks up at Dean, ready to ask him if there is a sequel to that video, an explanation that would dissipate that angst that he’s still feeling.

Cas gasps in surprise when Dean’s face turns out to be closer than he was expecting, looking right at him. The smudged eyeliner around Dean’s eyes make them seem clearer, the green nearly transparent with only a few specks of gold inside it. Dean even has freckles in his eyes, Castiel reflects, fascinated. How had he never noticed that before? 

In his captivation with the video, Castiel has gotten so close that he's practically in Dean’s lap, his folded up knees on Dean’s thigh and his chest against Dean’s arm. It reminds Cas of the time they shared an armchair at Bobby’s house all those months ago. It inevitably brings up what happened next to his mind and his eyes slide to Dean’s lips, trying to remember what they felt like against his. 

He closes his eyes, trying to chase down the memory. He can feel the softest brush against his lips, reminding him. It’s different though. Tender. He gasps when the lips back away, just out of reach when he wants them closer. He opens his eyes and sees those gold freckles in an ocean of green again. No, not an ocean, a  _ lake _ . It reminds him of the summer sun on his skin, water licking his ankles and feeling safe. 

He always feels safe by Dean’s side. Even before he really knew him, he knew that he could trust him. 

Castiel doesn’t close his eyes this time as he gets closer and closer. His lips are barely grazing Dean’s in the same teasing caress as before. He can feel one side of Dean's mouth rising up against his, his eyes shining with delight before he inclines his head a little, their noses sliding against one another, fitting so they can get even closer. 

It’s excruciating, frustrating, and delightful at the same time. Like in the video, the anticipation is heavy, though Castiel hopes that the end will be more satisfying here. 

He barely has time to finish that thought before a loud noise makes Dean jump to his feet, Castiel falling backward on the couch in surprise. When he looks up, dazed, the first thing he sees is the dismay on Dean’s face changing into fury. 

A man is standing in the doorway, looking disheveled and exhausted. He has broad shoulders under a brown leather jacket that looks battered with age. His hair and beard are a few different shades of grey, speckled with white hair. 

The silence is heavy, dreadful, as Dean and the man face each other for what seem like a really long time. Castiel doesn’t dare move, doesn’t dare remind them of his presence. 

Dean is seething, practically vibrating with shock and a panel of emotions that Castiel can’t identify. 

“Aren’t you going to say hello to your old man?” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like that chapter?
> 
> Next chapter's title: Bearded fathers ruin everything


	9. Bearded fathers ruin everything

On Monday, Dean isn’t at school and Jo seems moodier than is usual, even for her. 

The previous day, Castiel had exchanged a few messages with Charlie, enquiring about her hand (which isn’t broken, thankfully), and he let slip that Dean’s dad was back. It had barely been twenty minutes before Jo called him, Bobby in the background, asking him for details. He didn’t have much information to offer them. 

On Saturday, Dean didn’t get to say anything to his dad before Sam stormed into the room and ran straight into his father’s arms, overjoyed to see him. Castiel had asked Dean if he wished Cas to stay or leave, barely heard and barely acknowledged as he finally slipped out the door. 

Cas hasn’t heard anything from Dean since then. Apparently, neither have the Singers despite their many calls. 

Castiel is getting worried that maybe he shouldn’t have left the boys alone that night. After all, he didn’t know anything about John Winchester, except that he hadn't been present all summer. Probably even before that. What kind of man could he be to abandon his own kids like this?

Dean comes back to school on Wednesday, yet his place at their table remains empty at lunch. 

For the next few days, Castiel tries to catch the ex-jock, tries to talk to him, but Dean always seems to be in a hurry, arriving late to class and always gone as soon as the bell rings. 

Castiel wonders if he’s avoiding them because of his conflict with Jo and Bobby, or if he’s also avoiding him because of what happened before his father interrupted them. Cas can’t help but go back to it, to what could have (would have) happened if Dean’s dad hadn’t chosen that moment to come back. 

He tells Miss Barnes about it on Friday.

When she asks him what he would have liked to happen, he doesn’t have an answer to give her. He’s imagined hundreds of different scenarios already, but in the end it all came back to the same thing. 

“I just wanted to stay with Dean.”

Pamela nods like she understands. He’s not sure she does. 

He doesn’t care if they have sex or not, if they kiss or not, all he wants is to be close to Dean; To be able to look at him and hear his voice. He could be a little mouse in Dean’s pocket and he would still feel as happy and as safe as he ever has.

Cas doesn’t say that to Miss Barnes though, because he’s not sure how she would react to him wishing to be a rodent. 

“Maybe you should tell him that,” she suggests. 

“What if that scares him away?” 

“What if it doesn’t?”

Castiel isn’t sure he’s ready to take that risk. 

************

Jo seems even moodier a little over a week later, angrily stabbing her food without eating it. Charlie keeps rubbing her thigh and trying to comfort her. The blonde barely seems to notice her, which worries Castiel. Jo might not give a shit about much, but if there is one thing she cares about, it’s Charlie. 

“My dad is talking about moving back to South Dakota,” Jo admits, voice strained, pushing back her plate without having eaten anything. 

“What?” Charlie exclaimed, anguished. “You can’t go.” She grips Jo’s arm as the blonde bites the inside of her cheek, eyes wet. 

“It was always supposed to be temporary. We only came here because my dad wanted to help out with Sam. The plan was always to go back to South Dakota once Dean and I would have graduated, to take them back with us. But Dean didn’t want our help, and with John here now…It was always supposed to be temporary,” she repeats, miserably. 

Castiel finds that he’s lost his appetite too. 

There used to be only Jody and Charlie in his life. Now there were more and somehow he thought they would have more time together. He feels like he’s losing everyone again. 

He should have known better. 

************

Castiel finds himself knocking on the Winchester’s door that afternoon. He came directly after school so he doesn’t have time to think too much about it or coward out of the idea. 

It’s been raining, and the Winchester’s household is pretty far from the school, so by the time he arrives, Cas is drenched, water dripping from his hair into his eyes.

Dean’s father opens the door. 

It’s the first time Castiel really comes face to face with him. He’s somewhat taller than Cas was expecting. Leaner too, despite his broad shoulders. He seems cleaner and more put together than the other night, his beard trimmed shorter. He’s wearing a red plaid shirt that Castiel knows belongs to Dean. Cas has no idea if that’s peculiar or not for a father to wear his son’s clothes. Maybe it was Dean that was wearing his dad’s clothes after all, just like he was driving his dad’s car, and raising his son. 

“Hey. You’re Dean’s friend from the other night, right?” John Winchester asks, voice less gruff than Castiel expected it to be. 

It makes him wonder how wrong the image he made himself of that man is biased. It reminds him of how much he doesn’t know about Dean and his family.

“I’m Castiel.” 

“Weird name,” the older man notes, and Castiel frowns at him, affronted. They face each other a moment in silence before John cantes his head. “So? Did you want something?”

“Is Dean here?”

“He’s working. Can I leave a message?”

“No, thank you, I’ll just wait for him,” Cas affirms, stepping inside without waiting for an invitation. He goes straight to the couch, sitting with his hands on his knees and back straight. 

He hears John mumble something before the man comes to sit on the opposite end of the couch. The older Winchester sent him a sideway glance, taping a cigarette on the coffee table a few times before lighting it. On the TV screen, horses are racing on a track while commentators scream. 

Castiel tries not to cough when John turns toward him while blowing smoke. 

“Are you my son’s boyfriend then?” he asks, more grumphly than amicable. 

“No, sir, just a friend.”

“Good.”

Somehow, Castiel finds this very offensive. He doesn’t know if it’s intentional or not. Cas tries not to squirm when John stares at him for a little too long. 

“Aren’t you that kid from TV? The one from that cult, that betrayed his dad?” 

Castiel blanchs slightly at his wording, taken aback. 

“My father was a psychopath who abused women as well as children. Wouldn’t you agree than men like that are better off in prison?” he asks, trying not to show how much this affects him. 

John’s stare turns more hostile. Castiel holds it anyway. 

“I guess it depends. Your father really sounded like an asshole.” 

“It really doesn’t, and he indeed was.” 

John laughs. It doesn’t sound kind and warm like Dean’s laugh, it sounds hoarse and nasty. Castiel had no idea a laugh could feel as hostile. 

“I like you, boy,” John smirks, versing a couple fingers of whisky into a glass and pushing it on the coffee table toward Cas. 

“I’m sixteen, I’m not allowed to drink alcohol,” Castiel warns him, frowning. 

“Eh, I won’t tell if you don’t. Take it as a nice gesture,” John declares with a wink, downing his own glass straight. 

“My foster mom is the Sheriff.” 

“So? You’re gonna rat me out too?”

“You’re a very rude man,” Cas observes, not flinching when John gets up, looming over him. 

“What did you just call me?” Dean’s dad warns. 

He deflates though, when the door opens on Sammy. The young boy runs straight to his dad, hugging his hips while John gives him a pat on the head. 

“Cas?” 

Castiel looks up at Dean standing in the doorway, looking cautious, eyes going from his dad to Cas. 

“That’s a very weird friend you’ve got here, Dean,” John declares, sounding disapproving.

Dean’s eyes flash at this, but he doesn’t respond to his father. 

“What are you doing here, Cas?”

“I need to talk to you,” Cas says, raising up from the couch. 

“Heya Cas,” Sam salutes with a small smile, still hanging at his dad’s waist. 

“Hello Sam,” he salutes with a nod. 

When he looks up, Dean is looking over his shoulder at the rain still falling outside. 

“Come on, I’ll drive you home,” Dean finally offers, sighing. 

************

Dean doesn’t say anything the whole way home. Castiel doesn’t either. He only ever pretended he needed to talk to Dean so he could come over and gauge his father. He’s not very reassured by the opinion he now has of John Winchester. 

“Your father is a very rude man,” Castiel confides when the silence becomes too loud. 

“Yeah you go and tell him that,” Dean chuckles humorlessly. 

“I did.”

Dean’s eyes nearly bulge out. He turns so quickly toward Cas than the car swerves. 

“Are you insane?!”

“No, I am not. Jody had me tested,” Cas affirms, calmly.

Technically, it wasn’t Jody, but the FBI’s psychiatrist that made him pass a dozen different tests to evaluate his mental state. The point still stands. 

Dean laughs. It’s not his usual laugh. This one is rougher, like it’s scratching his throat as it comes out. 

“You’re really one of a kind, Cas, you know that?” he says, somewhat affectionately as he parks in front of Jody’s house. 

“It’s been told, yes,” Castiel says with a smirk. 

They exchange a smile for a moment, before Dean turns forward, dragging his hands nervously on the wheel. 

“Are you happy that your dad is home?” Cas asks, breaking the silence. 

Dean lets out another humorless laugh. 

“That’s the million dollars question, isn’t it?” Dean sighs, rubbing at his eyes for a second. He sends a sideway glance to Cas before he leans his forehead on the steering wheel, closing his eyes. He seems tormented and Cas regrets his question. “I should be. Because Sam is,” Dean confesses.

“Your feelings are as valid as Sam’s,” Cas assures gently.

The noise Dean makes is guttural and heartbreaking. Castiel can’t help it, he slides a hand over Dean’s shoulder, up to his neck, gently massaging as he goes. The other boy shrugs him off, straightening up from the wheel.

“Don’t.” Dean’s glance shifts toward the driver’s side window. “You don’t know anything, you can’t understand.”

“Then tell me. Make me understand,” Cas begs, eyes earnest.

Dean’s hands are squeezing the wheel so hard that his knuckles are white, eyes fixed on a point in front of the car and jaw clenched. Cas doesn’t need him to say it to get the message. 

“I’m your friend, Dean. No matter what.” 

Dean doesn’t move. Cas nods to himself and opens the passenger side door. 

A hand on his left’s arm holds him back. When he turns to look back at Dean, a mouth is suddenly crushing his. He gasps in surprise and can’t help but moan when Dean answers by biting gently his bottom lip. 

It’s nothing like the barely there kiss they exchanged on Saturday, more like the one in Bobby’s house; passionate, with a desperation that Castiel doesn’t know what to make of. It feels as much an escape for Dean as it was for Castiel that day.

It still feels good, though, because it’s  _ Dean _ . Yet it feels wrong too. Cas pushes Dean away with a hand on his shoulder. 

He can see the flash of rejection inside the other boy’s eyes before his face closes off entirely. 

“Dean…”

“You shouldn’t come to my house anymore, Cas,” Dean says, detached, as he straightens back on his seat behind the wheel. 

Cas probably shouldn’t. He still will. He’s not giving up on Dean. 

Castiel isn’t letting any bearded man hurt the people he loves anymore. 

  
  


************

“Is Bobby John’s brother?” Castiel reflects out loud a few days later. 

Jo, Charlie and him are sitting on Charlie’s bed, surrounded by kittens. One of her dad’s (numerous) cats had a litter a few weeks ago. The redhead invited them to come see the kittens, pretending it’s the best cure against everyone’s current gloomy mood. She invited Dean too. He said he had to work. They were all disappointed, but not surprised. Dean has barely talked to them since his dad came back. 

They’re all sitting crossed legged with a tiny ball of fur on their laps. While it does bring some comfort, they still miss Dean. 

Castiel’s been wondering about John and Bobby’s relation ever since he met the older Winchester. The resemblance between the two men is far from striking.

Jo scoffs. He’s not sure how to take it. She rolls her eyes at his confusion.

“No,” she says like it's obvious. “They were in the army together. Our moms were friends too, so Dean and I have known each other since we were babies,” Jo concludes with a careless shrug. 

Castiel can see that speaking about it makes her sad though. Dean hasn’t been talking to her and Bobby for weeks now. 

“So you’re not really related,” Cas concludes, pensive. 

Jo seems bothered by that remark. 

“We’re _ family _ . My dad always says family doesn’t end with blood,” she insists. “We pretty much grew up together because John has been a dead beat since Mary’s death. He used to pretty much leave his kids on my parents’ doorsteps and disappear for days.”

“Well, that hasn’t changed,” Charlie quips, exchanging her kitten with the tabby on Castiel’s lap. 

“No,” Jo says sadly. “At first, he would leave them for a few days, then weeks, and then one time John was gone for two whole months. He didn’t even call the boys, or anything. My parents and him had a big fight when he came back. After that, John took the boys and moved away. We had no idea where they were for the last four years,” she says, voice tight. 

“Jesus. What an asshole!” Charlie says vigorously. “You and your parents must have been very worried.” 

Charlie puts a second kitten on Jo’s lap and slides behind the other girl, putting her legs and arms around her. Jo leans back against her girlfriend, hugging the cats to her chest. 

“Yeah. My parents pretty much raised Sam and Dean. Even when he was here, John didn’t care for shit. Dean was the one always making sure his brother was okay. They used to run away and sneak back into the bedrooms they had at our house,” Jo tells them, sniffing and burying her nose into the squirming kittens’ fur. “And then they were just gone. We had no idea if they were alone, or if they were okay. My mom wanted to call the police or social services on John’s ass, but my dad was worried that that would mean John would never trust them with the boys again. He was convinced John would calm down and come back. I guess he didn’t want to close that door. My mom and him used to fight a lot about it.” 

They all stay silent for a moment, looking at the three kittens now playing between them on the mattress. 

“How did you know they were here?” Cas says, feeling guilty for bringing up such a painful subject for the young girl, but not able to let it go. 

He wants to know. He wants to understand. He wants to help. 

“Sam had a really bad flu last March. Dean didn’t know what to do and didn’t have enough money to buy medicine, so he called our house.”

“March? That was eight months! How long did John leave for?” Charlie says, indignant.

“He had already been gone for two months by then.”

“Ten months?!” Charlie all but screams. 

“He never used to leave that long when we were little,” Jo explains. “Bobby sent money for the boys. He kept in contact with Dean after that. When we hit four months and John still wasn’t back, my dad couldn’t bear the idea to leave them alone anymore and moved here. I wanted to come with.”

“But not your mom?” Charlie asks softly. 

“My parents were already divorced, and she had her bar, so she couldn’t leave so easily. The only reason my dad could come was because his friend Rufus decided to go live in the Bahamas for a while and left him in charge of the house and the salvage yard,” Jo says, scratching one of the kittens between its ears pensively. “I think my mom was also scared she would get them just to lose them again,“ Jo confides, a silence following her statement because that’s exactly what is happening to Jo and Bobby now. “Dean’s always been closer to my dad. He used to follow him everywhere so my dad could teach him to work on cars and stuff. Sammy was my mama’s boy though. The first time John left them with us, Sam wasn’t even one year old so my mom pretty much raised that kid. Honestly, between her and Dean dotting on him all the time, it’s a miracle he’s not more of a brat,” Jo tries to joke. It sounds like something she’s used to saying. 

“It couldn’t have been easy for you either,” Charlie says, squeezing her arms around her girlfriend and kissing her temple. Jo shrugs. Castiel can see that she’s still valiantly trying to hold her tears. 

“John isn’t a bad man,” Jo affirms, looking Cas in the eyes. “I have good memories with him. He used to be a cool uncle, and a good dad when Dean and I were little. Dad says the war fucked him up, but losing Mary was just too much. He says that John loves his boys, he just hates himself more.”

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Cas points out. 

“I’m not saying it does. Believe me, I hate that man for the way he treats Sam and Dean. He’s probably responsible for my parents’ divorce too, at least in part. My mom cried for weeks when he took the boys away. He keeps hurting the people I love.”

“And you,” Charlie points out softly, putting her chin on Jo’s shoulder from behind. “I hate him too for that.”

Castiel doesn’t say anything. He wants to hate John Winchester too, but can’t. 

Despite certainly not having any respect or regard for him, he just doesn’t have it himself to be hateful. He’s known and loved horrible people before. John may be rude and negligent, but Castiel doesn’t believe him to be evil.

Just like John, Castiel has lost the person he loved the most. He knows that when emotions become too painful, the mind has a way to shut them off entirely. For months, Castiel couldn’t care about anything but his own misery. It blinded him for a long time, probably years, and made him unable to create any real attachment again. Only Jody's relentlessness in showing him nothing but love, never giving up on him, allowed Cas to start trusting that he could care for someone without it hurting so much. 

John didn’t have a Jody though. All he had was two small children that couldn’t shoulder the weight of having to bring him back to himself. He pushed them away just like Castiel used to push Jody away, except Sam and Dean were too young to fight their way back. They could only suffer the consequences of their father’s abandonment. 

Jo may be right in saying that John isn’t a bad man, but that doesn’t make him a good man either. He sounds so lost that he’s barely a man at all anymore. 

His biggest sin seems to be being unable to either stay and take responsibility, or give up entirely. John’s indecision is hurting everyone, and that’s what he should be held accountable for. 

Castiel doesn’t hate John Winchester. He might even pity him. 

That doesn’t mean he’s going to let him hurt Cas’ friends anymore. 

************

The next day when John opens the door, he doesn’t look happy to see Castiel again. Cas goes to sit on his couch anyway and waits for Dean to come home.

Castiel is done being polite to rude people. It’s time for John Winchester to make a choice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter's title: Of love and stubbornness


	10. Of love and stubbornness

************

By the time Dean arrives that day, John is looking murderous. Cas has been here for close to two hours, just sitting in silence with his book. The older man seems annoyed by the fact that he isn’t answering his taunts or numerous ‘invitations’ to leave. 

Dean’s expression isn’t that much different when he notices that Castiel is here again. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Dean asks vehemently as soon as they’re both outside. 

“I wanted to see you,” Cas stated. “And since you refuse to talk to us at school-”

“That’s getting pretty stalkerish, Cas,” Dean accuses, cutting him off. 

“Are you not eating lunch with us because you’re avoiding Jo, or because you’re avoiding me?” Cas asks, ignoring Dean’s jab.

“I’m not…” Dean denies, shaking his head. “I mean, right now, I do feel like avoiding you both,” he admits, “but that’s not why I’m not having lunch with you anymore,” Dean assures. “With my job at the shop...I need the time to do my homework, Cas. I may not plan to go to college, but I would still like to at least graduate high school.”

“I could help you,” Cas offers with a small voice, ashamed that he didn’t even think about this. 

Dean sends him a dubious look. Castiel looks down, humbled to realize that he can’t. He’s still struggling to have decent grades himself in some classes. Catching up to a whole childhood of missed schooling in two years time isn’t easy. Some of his professors are tutoring him to try and make up for it, and so is Charlie. While Castiel does well in English and Science, thanks to his love for books and natural curiosity, he barely gets an average grade in History, and Mathematics or Computers are especially hard. 

Dean knows that. They’ve talked about it before and he’d been there to a few of Charlie’s tutoring sessions. The jock is far from a straight A student, but he still gets better grades than Castiel in most subjects, he even takes an elective class in Mechanics. 

“Go home, Cas,” Dean pleads. He turns back and goes inside without another word. 

************

“I know what you’re doing,” Jody tells him one night when Castiel warns her that he won’t be home until seven the next day. 

He looks up from his plate of spaghettis with what he hopes is an innocent face. 

“I won’t force you to stop, but I don’t think it’s wise to continue, and recommend that you don’t,” she says, sounding like she prepared herself to say that, probably wrote that line down somewhere to find the right tone. 

Jody has learned pretty early on that trying to force Castiel to do something he doesn’t want will never yield a positive result (she still has the bite marks from one of those early days of miscommunication). She has learned to always try to convince him rather than argue, trusting that he’ll make the right decision if she helps him find the way. Well, maybe not ‘always’; she does have a rather bossy underlying personality. 

Castiel nods, not raising his gaze. He doesn’t want to talk furthermore about it. She finally sighs, shaking her head with a little laugh. 

“I’m going to look like a real ass when I get a call to come arrest my own kid for trespassing,” she despairs with humour. 

Castiel beams at her with a mouth full of spaghetti, reassured that she won’t try to stop him. 

“Just be careful, okay? Don’t push too far,” she warns, squeezing his hand on the table, “and if that man does anything that he shouldn’t, you call me and I’ll come kick his ass right down to jail. Is that clear?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” Cas nods, mockingly solemn. 

“When the hell did you become such a smartass?” she quips, taking his plate from in front of him, despite his protest that he wasn’t finished eating. She stops right beside his chair, and hugs him to her side, deposing a kiss to his hair. “You’re a good friend, kiddo,” she confides softly. “Now move your ass and come wipe those dishes.” 

************

The next day, John Winchester doesn’t open the door and the volume of the TV gets louder when Cas rings the bell again. At this point, Cas is pretty sure that the only reason Dean’s father hasn’t called the cop or kicked his ass is because he knows who Jody is. 

It’s mid-November and pretty cold already, but Castiel doesn’t let that deter him. He sits on the porch’s steps with a book and waits, shivering but obstinate. 

When Dean arrives with Sam, he doesn’t say anything, just glares at Cas when he passes beside him and urges his little brother to get inside. Sam obeys with a small wave to Castiel. 

A few minutes later, Castiel can hear a screaming match between Dean and his dad, coming from inside. Cas tries not to eavesdrop, even when he hears his own name. 

  
  


************

The next day, John let Castiel inside instead of leaving him in the cold, albeit reluctantly. He doesn’t say anything (well, anything nice or noteworthy anyway), just glare all along as Cas installs himself at the kitchen counter behind the couch to do his homework. 

“You’re a serious pain in my ass, kid,” John tells him as he takes a bottle of beer in the fridge some time later. 

Good. Castiel wants to say, but doesn’t. He thinks Dean’s dad hears it anyway. 

************

“Why are you doing this?” Dean laments when he comes back from work on Monday and Castiel is once again in his kitchen. The jock has been ignoring him every single day for nearly a week now, going straight to his room and not coming out again until Castiel is gone.

“Why do you still need a job now that your dad is home? Can’t he work?” Cas asks, ignoring Dean’s question. 

They’re in the kitchen, John Winchester sitting only a few feet away. Castiel can feel the older man’s glare. He ignores it, inclining his head as he waits for Dean’s answer. The only response he gets is Dean throwing his arms up in frustration and storming to his room. 

Castiel still goes home with a smile on his face, because Dean talked to him for the first time in days, and that’s progress. 

************

“I get what you’re trying to do. Hell, I take full responsibility for your harsh ways, but you do know I went to College to do it correctly, right?” Miss Barnes tells him the next day. “I have an actual diploma that allows me to pull this kind of shit. People  _ pay me _ to do this. All you’re going to get is a punch in the face, kiddo,” she says, looking surprisingly proud, which contradicts her words. 

“Anger is a secondary emotion. It always hides a more predominant primary reaction. At least if Dean gets angry, he’s feeling something.”

“For you?”

“For himself,” Castiel corrects. 

“Well, someone’s reached the P section of the library and is trying to steal my job,” his therapist teases. “Just be careful, Castiel, you might be biting off more than you can chew on this one,” Miss Barnes advises. 

  
  


************

A few days later, Castiel is surprised that no one is home when he knocks on the Winchesters’ door. Dean has to work right after school, and he generally takes Sam with him, but John Winchester doesn’t get out much. As long as he has alcohol, cigarettes and a TV, he seems content to stay home all day. 

Castiel sits on the porch steps, hugging his knees to keep warm. It’s getting cold enough that he won’t be able to take his bike to school anymore soon. He hates taking the bus. He takes out his phone and searches for a route that might get him from High School to here anyway. 

“Hi, Cas!” Sam pipes up, trotting toward him and sitting next to him. John is getting out of his old pick up in the driveway, looking as sullen as ever. 

“Hello, Sam,” Cas offers. “You’re not with Dean today?” he inquires. 

Their dad has been back for weeks now, yet Dean has kept the habit of going to get Sam from school and taking the kid with him to his workplace. Castiel had wondered about this.

“No, I’m staying with dad now,” Sam shrugs, looking glad about it. 

“Get inside, Sam,” the older Winchester orders as he passes next to the two boys.

The younger teen scrambles to execute himself as Cas gets up. When Castiel gets up and turns around, Sam is inside, the front door is closed, and more surprisingly, John Winchester is still standing in front of it. 

“Listen, kid, I don’t know what you’re trying to pull here, but I’m trying to make right by my boys,” John says, sounding sincere. “I don’t want you here, and neither does Dean, so take the hint.” 

“You may be trying, but I know you will fail,” Castiel affirms with conviction. “I don’t want them to think they’re alone when you inevitably do.” 

It’s the first time he finds the words to explain it, even to himself. So far, he only had this instinctive urge to be here, so he did. 

Hearing John say he’s ‘trying’ made him realize that he knows,  _ without a single doubt _ , that this man is going to disappoint his kids again. 

Castiel has been left behind before. He waited for weeks after Jimmy's death. For his mom. For his Father. Anyone. He rejected any help that was offered, anyone that tried to offer him kindness, because that would mean betraying those he loved, those he trusted would come back. 

No one ever came. No one he loved fought to get him back. 

He’s not letting Dean feel like no one is here for him, ever again. 

One day, Dean will come home and his father won’t be here, but Castiel will be. 

He needs Dean to know that Castiel will be here. 

“You don’t know me,” John defends, looking rattled by Castiel’s assertion. 

“Then prove me wrong.” 

  
  


************

That day, Castiel doesn’t feel like facing John’s hostility. He won’t give up on Dean either, so he sits on the porch’s steps. 

It’s a nice day, the sun warming him as he sits there. He’s not sure he would feel it, even if it was freezing. The only thing he can think about is the piece of paper in his hands. He’s read it so many times that he doesn’t need to unfold it; The words are repeating themselves in his head, over and over again like a litany taunting him. 

Cas is pulled out of his daze when a blanket is wrapped around his shoulders. He blinks, surprised to notice that night has fallen already. He has no idea how long he’s been sitting here. 

Dean is sitting next to him. He wonders how long he’s been here too. Cas didn’t even notice him coming home with Sam. It must have been a while ago because Dean always comes home while the sun is still up. 

Cas is surprised that Dean is even here with him. Despite Castiel’s presence at his home every day of the week, the jock has been ignoring him for more than two weeks now.

It seems that every time they talk, they end up arguing anyway. 

Jo told him that he shouldn’t take it personally, that Dean always pushes everyone away when his dad comes back. She thinks it’s out of some sort of loyalty, like Dean feels ashamed to admit that he can be happy without his dad, so he rejects everyone hoping his father can be enough for him. Castiel is not sure about that, because Dean doesn’t look very happy those days. No one does since John came back. 

He’s taken out of his somber thoughts again when Dean’s knee briefly bumps against his.

“What’s that?” Dean asks quietly, nodding toward the letter in Castiel’s hands. 

Castiel looks back to the paper, blinking at it like he’s seeing it for the first time. He’s been fidgeting with it so much that the paper is crumpled. He feels ashamed noticing that. He should take better care of it, hold it like it’s precious because it  _ is _ . It’s probably the last thing his mom will have ever given him. He feels tears come to his eyes at that thought, his chest tight with a guilt that he knows is misplaced. It’s not his fault. He knows, rationally, that it isn’t. He still can’t help what he feels. 

“It’s a letter from my mom,” Cas finally confesses, trying to smooth out the paper on his knee. 

“Oh,” Dean says, seeming hesitant. “What does it say?”

Castiel bites his lips, feeling the tears spill over his eyes. He’s been able to hold them all day at school. He thought he’d cried enough last night, buried in Jody’s arms. He had hoped that the amount of tears he was going to shed for his mom would be as finite as her love for him seems to be; yet he can still feel them, on his face and in his throat. He feels like he’s full of them and that they will never stop. 

He isn’t sure how it happens, who comes to the other, but his head is suddenly under Dean’s chin. He can hear the other teenager whispering reassurance, though he can’t recognize the words. All he can hear are his mom’s words, again and again since last night.

“She says goodbye,” he confides, voice strangled and muffled against Dean’s sweater. He can feel Dean’s arms around him, squeezing him harder and caressing his back. 

In his head, his mom talks about the life she deserves to live, the one that was stolen from her all those years ago. She’s hiding, yet she feels free for the first time in more than a decade. 

Free of him, Castiel can’t help but think bitterly. 

Free from the living reminder of the nightmare she’s lived through. She says she loves him and always will. Castiel finds it hard to believe when the only way she thinks she can be happy is to stay far from him. That’s not how people are supposed to love their children. They are supposed to  _ be there  _ for them, no matter what. 

He must have mumbled all this because he can feel Dean tense against him. The jock tries to pull away, but Cas clings to his shirt and buries his nose in his neck, refusing to let go. 

“You’re a stubborn shit, you know that?” Dean says with a sigh. His hand still slid against his back, coming to rest on the back of Cas’ neck. Castiel sniffles a little, soothed by the circling caress of Dean’s thumb at the nape of his hair. 

It still takes a while for him to calm down, until there is no sob trapped against his sternum anymore. When he’s finally able to breathe without being strangled with tears, he stays a little longer, soaking up Dean’s warmth. Now that the sun isn’t there anymore, he can feel the brisk cold of autumn more sharply. 

“Are you done wiping your snort on me now?” Dean says, his voice affectionate. 

In answer, Cas buries his face a little more against him, rubbing his nose on Dean’s shirt teasingly until the other teen scoffs and pushes him away. Castiel wipes his face a little more with his sleeve as Dean does theatrics about looking at his gross shirt. It brings a small smile to Cas’ face, even if he can still feel it tremble, threatening to break. Dean must notice because he sobers up. 

“I’m sorry about your mom, Cas.” 

Castiel bites his lip. The letter is even more crumpled now, having been squeezed between Dean and him. 

“I know,” Dean starts again, looking at his own hands between his knees, “I know it’s not the same, but I know what it feels like to miss your mom.”

“Your mom loved you. I don’t think my mom misses me.”

“Of course, she does,” Dean assures. When Cas just shakes his head, the other boy grabs his wrist, bringing it to his own lap. “She loves you, Cas. How could she not?”

“Then why is she leaving me?” Cas says, voice strained. He takes a deep breath, squeezing the edge of Dean’s sleeve. The jock’s other hand comes over his, his thumb passing over his knuckles until Cas lets go. 

“I can’t answer that, Cas. You know I can’t.” 

His voice sounds sad and when he looks up, Dean is looking at the Impala with a frown. 

“Dean, I wasn’t talking about your-” Cas starts, realizing. 

“I know you weren’t,” Dean cuts him off, getting up. “Can you honestly tell me that-” Dean wipes his mouth with his hand, turning until he’s right in front of Cas. He looks upset. “Can you honestly tell me that if your mom were to come back, you wouldn’t do everything you could to make sure she never leaves again?”

Castiel can’t hold his gaze. Of course, he would. Even though nothing has ever hurt as much as reading that letter did. Hell, even if it meant going back to Heaven with his mom, he would still do it. Despite the happiness he can see for himself in this life, despite all the people he’s come to love; If his mom came back to him, he would take her hand and follow her anywhere. He would probably be miserable for the rest of his life, but he would still choose her. 

“She’s my _ mom _ ,” Castiel simply answers, squinting at the letter. “I don’t know which scares me most. Her never coming back, or the idea of waiting for her to do so for the rest of my life,” he looks up, right into Dean’s eyes. “It’s wrong though. It shouldn’t be like this. If she wants to be with me, then she should  _ be here _ . Not because someone is forcing her or because she feels like she has to.” He pauses, gulping and stuffing the letter into his pocket. “At least she’s honest enough to admit that it’s not what she wants.”

“Well, not everyone has the ability to give up on family like that, Cas,” Dean snaps, glaring. 

Cas gets up and plants himself right in front of him. Even in the darkness of the winter evening, Dean’s face remains expressive as ever. Castiel observes it openly; his pursed lips, the angry frown between his brows, and the squint of his glare. He waits for Dean’s jaw to stop visibly clenching under his cheeks to continue. 

“Jo says Bobby has this saying: 'Family don't end in blood'. But it doesn't start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. _ Family's there _ ; for the good, the bad,  _ all of it. _ They got your back, even when it hurts.” Castiel puts a hand on Dean’s chest, trying to catch back Dean’s gaze, but his eyes stay firmly fixed behind Cas. “ _ You _ showed me this, Dean. Jody, Charlie, Jo, Bobby, you all showed me what family is really about.” Cas’ hand slightly pulls on the front of Dean’s shirt, tring to bring him closer, but Dean plants his feet and doesn’t move, jaw locked. Cas releases his shirt with a sigh and takes a step back. “I am indeed stubborn, Dean. I won’t give up on you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think of that last scene? It's kind of a fresh add, I'm not sure if I like it yet. 
> 
> Next chapter's title: For Sammy


	11. For Sammy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, last one before the end...I'm nervous! I really hope you'll like this story as a whole, even though it's kind of all over the place. 
> 
> There's a cliffhanger at the end of this one, so be warned (and have kleenex ready for the next one...)

Jody finally puts her foot down and confiscates his bike when Castiel scrapes his knee by sliding on an ice sheet that weekend. 

So on Monday, Castiel ends up reluctantly taking the bus. He hates the bus, people always sit too close to him, or try to talk to him, or to tell him things he doesn’t want to know about them. 

He knows he doesn’t have any other choice anyway; Walking to Dean’s house isn’t an option at any rate, and while Jody is amenable to drive him to school in the morning, he doubts she would be okay to play chauffeur to his borderline stalkerish endeavour. 

Castiel’s eyebrows draw together when he recognizes the brown mop of hair getting into the city bus. He raises his hands to signal himself and Sam looks uncomfortable when he sees him. The kid still comes to sit next to him, eyes on his own feet. 

“Hello, Sam. I didn’t know you were allowed to take public transportation on your own,” Castiel says, surprised. 

They are other kids barely looking older than Sam alone on the bus, so it may not be uncommon. Although Castiel knows how protective (sometimes over protective, to be honest) Dean is of his little brother, so he’s very surprised that his friend would allow the ten year old to commute alone on a public bus like this.

“I’m big enough to do it!” Sam defends, nervously fidgeting with the strap of his school bag that he’s put on his lap. 

Cas frowns. Dean used to drive Sam to and from school because, for some reason unknown to Castiel, Sam doesn’t go to his district’s school, so there is no school bus for him to take. Since two weeks ago, Dean has stopped taking the kid with him to work everyday after school, leaving him instead with his father. Cas has naturally assumed that Dean’s dad was the one coming to get him from school since they were generally home by the time Castiel would come to their house. 

When the kid looks up at him, eyes panicked and pleading, Castiel realizes that it was probably what was _ supposed  _ to happen. 

“Please don’t tell Dean.  _ Please _ , Castiel. I don’t want him to fight with dad again,” Sam begs, looking more miserable and scared that any child his age should ever be. 

“I can’t hide this from him, Sam,” Cas confides, shaking his head slowly. “You’re not old enough to take this commute, and if your father is lacking in his responsibilities, Dean should know about it.”

“Please, Castiel.  _ Please.  _ I don’t want my dad to go away again because of me,” the little boy implores in a murmur, wiping his tears bitterly. 

“Your father didn’t leave because of you, Sam,” Castiel assures firmly. Dean’s little brother doesn’t look like he believes him, shrugging his shoulders dejectedly. “Do you think Bobby would leave Jo if she misbehaved? Do you think Jody would leave me if I was ever disrespectful?” he asks, daring to bring his point across. 

“No,” Sam sniffs, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. 

“Do you think Dean would ever abandon you?”

Sam shakes his head vigorously, his mid long hair flopping around. 

“Dean would never leave me,” Sam says with conviction. 

Castiel smiles, reassured by the little boy’s belief that he would always have his brother by his side, no matter what. 

“But why is my dad always leaving?” the kid asks, looking up at Castiel in askance, the little boy’s bottom lip wobbly and brows furrowed in anguish. “Does that mean he loves me less than Bobby loves Jo?”

Castiel gulps, feeling guilty at having droven a ten years old to the deduction that his own father doesn’t care about him. 

“I don’t know why your father leaves, Sam,” Castiel confesses honestly. “What I do know for sure is that it’s neither your fault, nor Dean’s. It’s your father’s own problem, and he’s the only one that can solve it.” 

Sammy seems to think it over, playing with a loose thread on his bag for a long moment in reflection. Cas gives him time, hoping that he’s managed to quell some of Sam’s sorrow and doubts. 

“I still don’t want you to tell Dean,” Sam finally decides, stubborn. 

“Sam…”

“You said I wasn’t allowed to take the bus alone, but I’m not alone, you’re here. So that’s okay,” the kid argues. 

“That’s a pretty convoluted logic.”

“That means I’m right, right?” Sam asks eagerly, offering Cas the same cute smile he uses on Jody or Bobby every time he asks for something he knows he shouldn’t have. Coupled with the kid’s still humid eyes, he has to admit that it’s redoubtable.

“That’s called manipulation, Sam,” Cas reprimands gently.

“No, that’s persuasion. Believe me, I’m gonna be a lawyer,” Sam announces, raising his chin.

Castiel can’t help but chuckle. 

“I won’t lie to Dean,” Cas repeats, stopping Sam from protesting with a raised hand. “But I won’t say anything unless he specifically asks about it either.” 

“Thank you, thank you,” Sam says, hugging Castiel’s side. 

“You’ll have to wait for me every day. And under  _ no circumstance _ will you ever get onto a bus until you see me already inside it, is that clear?” Castiel admonishes. 

Sam’s answer is muffed by Cas’s coat as the kid is still hugging him tight. Cas is pretty sure it’s an agreement. 

************

By the time Dean comes home that evening, it’s already dark outside and a light snow is falling. Cas and Sam are sitting at the kitchen table doing their homework while John is watching TV (Castiel never sees him doing much else, if he’s being honest). 

“You okay, Sammy?” Dean asks as he approaches, observing them. 

To be fair, it’s the first time Dean and Sam are sitting together like this. The boy generally sticks by his father’s side. He seemed to have understood that there was some kind of conflict over Castiel’s presence in their home and, up until now, while not being hostile to Cas, he always clearly stated his loyalties to his family by not engaging Cas either. 

Castiel isn’t surprised that Dean looks taken aback by the boy and his camaraderie as they try to make sense of some of Castiel’s mathematics lessons. Sam really is smart for his age, even if Castiel admits that he would feel a little vexed if a ten years old ended up understanding probability theory before him. 

“No!” Sam admits, grumbling. “We can’t make sense of Cas’ lesson, can you help?”

“Why is my ten year old brother doing your homework?” Dean asks, looking both dubious and scandalized. 

“I’m not doing his homework, we’re helping each other out,” Sam explains before Cas can answer. “Castiel helped me with my Biology. He knows  _ a lot _ about dinosaurs,” Sam continues, impressed. “He’s going to help me make a Mesozoic era diorama!” Sam announces excitedly. 

Dean purses his lips. 

“I thought you wanted us to make a giant paper-mache t-rex together?” Dean asks, brow furrowed. 

“Well, yeah, but you work all the time now and we were supposed to start that ten days ago…” Sam admits, looking abashed. 

“I didn’t know you had something already planned, Dean,” Castiel apologizes, sensing that it seems as an upsetting matter for the brothers. 

Dean sighs, passing a hand on his face. He looks tired and disappointed, but he still makes a dismissive gesture. 

“You know what, I did that same project back in 5th grade and everyone had made some kind of paper-mache t-rex or cardboard pterodactyl or stuff. A diorama is probably a better idea. You go ahead and make it together,” he tells them, sending a reassuring smile to Sam. 

“Can we go to the toy store this weekend? I’ve seen some plastic figurines last time at Troy’s Toys, and that would look awesome!” Sam pipes up, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen. “We should make a list of what we need, Cas!” the kid urges, frenziedly. “Paint! Lots of green paint. And glue!” Sam starts listing, writing it down and already rambling about all that they are going to need. 

“Okay, why don’t you just do that tomorrow, huh? It’s nearly time for dinner and you don’t smell like you’ve showered yet, Sammy,” Dean reproaches, teasing. 

Sam pouted, not looking happy about it. He doesn’t seem deterred, writing down a last item before he puts down his list.

“I’ll write more things down later. You should write down things too, Cas, so we can compare our lists tomorrow,” Sam instructs eagerly. He jumps to his feet when Dean lets out a warning noise and looks at him pointely with a raised eyebrow. “I’m going, I'm going! But you’ll be here tomorrow, right, Cas?” 

“I will, Sam,” Cas promises. They exchange a smile as Dean mumbles something about this being obvious. Castiel is surprised when the kid hugs him before running to the bathroom with a quick salute. 

Cas looks after Sam for a moment, feeling a sudden rush of affection for the little boy. 

When he looks back, Dean seems troubled.

“I hope I didn’t cross any boundaries.” Castiel says, a little hesitant. 

Dean scoffs in answer, indicating Cas and then the room around them with some hand gesture and a pointed look. Castiel tilts his head in confusion, not getting his meaning. The other teen rolls his eyes. 

“I didn’t see your bike outside,” Dean remarks, changing the subject. 

“I take the bus now,” Cas explains, putting his books back into his bag. 

It’s close to seven already, and that reminded him that he should really go. He didn’t keep track of the time and missed his bus. He’s going to be late home now. Jody won’t be happy. 

He can feel Dean observing him as Cas hurries to put on his coat, scarf and hat. He’s getting his gloves out of his pocket when Dean groans. 

“Okay okay. I’ll drive you, come on,” Dean announces, sounding bothered by his own suggestion. 

Dean yells that he’ll bring back some dinner, and storms out into the snow, letting a freezing gush of wind inside as he leaves the door open behind him. Castiel looks after him, perplexed. 

“Close the goddamn door!” John howls sharply from his usual seat on the couch, making the teen jump and scramble to follow Dean outside. 

************

They’re about halfway to Cas’ home, the radiator of the Impala finally starting to blow warm air into the tense silence when Dean finally speaks.

“You don’t have to help Sam,” the teenager sighs. 

“I’m happy to do it, if you’ll allow me. I’ve never done a diorama, but it sounds like a very instructional use of crafting.” 

“You’ve never done a diorama?” Dean asks, incredulous. 

“It’s only my second year in the school system, I never had the occasion before.” 

“Sorry. I forget sometimes about all that shit in your past,” Dean confesses, looking contrite. 

“Thank you,” Cas says earnestly, making Dean’s face scrunch up in confusion.

Cas wishes he could forget about it too sometimes. Or that other people could forget that he’s different from them. They used to look at him like a ‘weirdo’, now they also look at him with pity. It feels good to hear that ‘cult-boy’ is not who he is in Dean’s mind. That, to him, at times, he’s just another teenager. 

“Thank you, too,” Dean admits, avoiding his gaze. “You know, for helping out with Sammy. I appreciate it,” he explains, looking embarrassed for reasons unknown to Cas. 

“It’s my pleasure. I like Sam,” Cas confides with a pleased smile.

Dean doesn’t respond and they don’t talk much, but Dean drives him home every night after that. 

  
  


************

Jody and Castiel are trying to learn to knit by watching a youtube tutorial on Saturday afternoon, when the phone rings. 

“Thank God!” Jody says, looking relieved by the distraction. 

It was her idea that they start doing an activity together. She didn’t seem too keen when Castiel suggested knitting, but agreed anyway. 

Inspecting her work as she gets up to answer the phone, Cas can see why she seems to hate it so much. She’s doing it all wrong. What was supposed to be the beginning of a scarf looks like a big ball of random knots. He looks back to his own work. And here he thought  _ he _ was doing bad.

“We need to go,” Jody orders. 

She’s wearing her Sheriff uniform, still buttoning her shirt as she starts putting on her shoes. Recognizing the urgency, Castiel immediately gets up and starts doing the same, heart beating fast in panic. 

“What is it? What happened?” he asks as Jody zips up her coat, already rushing to the door. 

“There has been a car accident,” she answers, voice tight. “Sam is in the hospital.” 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can scream at me in the comments, I deserve it, I'll take it.


	12. This is not the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, final chapter. I'm nervous, are you nervous? 
> 
> Thank you to all those who read, liked and/or comments on this fic, your feedback gives me the confidence to keep on writing. I've got two more fics coming, so don't hesitate to subscribe if you don't want to miss them.
> 
> I also have [a tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/castielific) where I post my stories, as well as other spn and destiel contents, if you're interested.
> 
> I'm sorry about the cliffhanger, although I admit that your comments made me cackle with sadistic glee. 
> 
> A huge thanks to my betareader unerwaterttribute for all her help. 
> 
> Now go fetch some kleenex and prepare to read, this one is a little long, I hope you'll enjoy it.

************

One of the Sheriff’s deputies is waiting for them at the Emergency room’s door when they arrive.

“Tell me everything, Ketch,” Jody incites as they pass near him, the Sheriff barely slowing down as they head inside. 

“For some as of yet unknown reason, the car veered off the roadway and hit a concrete pylon. Two passengers on board. Dad’s going to be okay, but the kid is in surgery,” Deputy Ketch reports.

“Any details on the kid’s state?” Jody asks, voice tight. 

“Nothing yet.”

“The dad?” Cas’ foster mom wonders, stopping in a hall as she doesn’t know which way to go. 

“Car hit the pole on the passenger side, so the kid took the brunt of it. The dad got out with a few lacerations and a broken arm,” Officer Ketch says, taking the lead as they start walking again. 

“Blood test?”

“Results pending, but breath tests are in the red. It’s definitely a DUI.”

“Did you take his statement yet?” Jody asks, trying to stay professional. Cas knows her enough to notice that she’s distressed, back too tense and eyes flashing in ire. 

“The doctor only cleared him a few minutes ago. Since you asked to be warned about any red flag about him, we thought you might want to be the one to do it,” Deputy Ketch explains. “The brother has been notified like you asked, he hasn’t arrived yet.” 

“Thank you, Ketch. Try and see if you can get any update on the kid. Come back here as soon as you do,” Jody dismisses. “Donna, can you get to the entrance hall? Call me as soon as Dean Winchester is here,” she instructs the blonde deputy that was standing at the door. 

As soon as the officers are gone, Jody puts her hands on her hips and blows a long breath, closing her eyes for a second. Castiel lets her gather herself, looking at the door next to them. 

Inside, John Winchester is resting, barely hurt while his ten years old child is fighting for his life. Castiel has never felt this kind of seething anger before. Despite all that he’s lived through, he’s never wanted to hit or hurt anyone. Yet he truly believes that if he were to go inside that room right now, he would punch Dean’s father right in the face. 

Cas blinks out of his daze when Jody stands in front of him, a hand on each of his arms. He’s not sure if it’s to reassure him, or if she can see him seething and is ready to hold him back. 

“Are you going to be okay?” she asks gently, searching his eyes. 

Castiel can’t answer, breathing fast. He can’t seem to look away from that door.

“Come on, Cas, I need you to calm down and stay with me, okay? Breathe with me, sweety.”

It takes a lot out of him, but he plants his eyes in hers and tries to follow as she guides his next breath. 

“Good. You’re doing good, kiddo,” she reassures once he’s calmed. “I need to go take John’s statement. You can either stay here and wait for me, or you can go to wait for Dean with Donna. Dean is probably gonna need you, but you don’t have any obligation unless you feel like you can help him right now, okay?”

“I want to help him, but I don’t know how,” Cas confesses with a small voice. 

“You don’t need to do anything or say anything, Cas. You just show up and be here for him, just like you’ve been doing all along.” 

She brings a hand to his cheek and forces his face up, bringing his eyes back to her. 

“Sam’s going to be okay, Cas. You’ve got to believe that, and you’ve got to make Dean believe it too.”

He nods quickly, still a little out of it. She kisses his forehead and he takes a minute to put it on her shoulder, gathering himself. When he straightens up, he feels a little calmer. 

“Good,” Jody says, noticing it. “I won’t take long and will be right there with you.”

  
  


************

By the time Castiel arrives at the emergency waiting room, Dean is already there, pacing as deputy Hanscum watches him worriedly. The teenager looks up when Cas enters. The anguish on his face is heartbreaking. 

“Any news?” Dean asks, rushing to his side. 

“Your dad is okay.” 

“I don’t give a fuck about my dad!” Dean spits. “How is Sammy?”

“I’m sorry, Dean, I don’t have any information on Sam,” Cas says, forlorn. 

He wishes he had good news. He wishes he could offer some comfort to his friend. He wishes Sam was okay. 

Dean passes a frustrated hand in his hair and goes to sit on one of the plastic chairs lined up against the wall. 

“You want something, sweety? I could get you a cup of coffee or some water,” Donna offers, approaching Dean timidly. 

“I just want my brother,” Dean mumbles, face buried in his hands as he shakes his right leg nervously. 

Cas feels his own eyes burn with unshed tears. He can’t help but think about Jimmy, about how unfair life is to sweet little boys. He thinks back to his own anguish at losing his brother and how he would do anything,  _ anything _ so that Dean doesn’t have to live through that. 

Castiel stands there for a long moment, desperate and lost. He doesn’t know what to do to help. He’s not a doctor, he can’t save Sam himself. He’s as useless to protect this boy as he was to protect his own siblings. He feels like he’s in that room again, watching everyone he loves die around him, too terrified to do anything to stop them. He wasn’t able to save Jimmy, and now he won’t be able to save Sam either. 

Castiel is breathing hard. The only thing he can hear is his racing heart. The only thing he can see are Jimmy's lifeless eyes as he laid at his feet. He blinks and suddenly it’s Sam lying there, covered in blood and too still. 

“Cas…”

Cas blinks at the sound of his own name spoken in such a broken voice. He looks up and Dean is a few feet away, eyes wet and face scrunch in anguish like he’s barely holding on. 

Cas can hear Jody’s voice in his own head as he makes his way closer to his friend. ‘Be here for him’. That’s all he got to do. Be there. Like he’s promised himself to do ever since John came back. 

Castiel sits next to Dean as the other teenager makes a strangled noise, wiping at his eyes. Dean looks ready to jump to his feet and start pacing again, like he can’t sit for another minute and do nothing. He’s already standing when Cas grabs his hand. 

When Dean stares back down at him, Castiel holds his gaze, trying to tell him everything he can’t speak out loud with a look. He doesn’t know if Dean gets it, if he can read those unspoken words in his friend’s eyes, but after what seems like a long moment, the teenager sits back, keeping Cas’ hand in his. 

  
  


************

Their hands are still linked together when Jody comes back a few minutes later. They both get up when they see her grim face and she raises a reassuring hand before they can jump to conclusion. 

“Sam is still in surgery,” Jody explains, “but I’ve spoken to the doctor, and he is out of danger.” 

Dean is so relieved that he falls back in his chair. Jody lets him take a few deep breaths, sitting beside him but not touching him, waiting for Dean to look back at her before she continues. 

“He has a concussion and a few broken bones. One of them did some damage to his lungs, but they were able to fix it. Now they’re just making sure every bone is set up correctly. You’ll be able to see him in a few hours. You just need to be a little patient, okay?” Jody adds with a watery smile, squeezing Dean’s knee. 

“Thank you, Jody.” Dean says, voice hoarse with emotions. He sends a look toward Cas. They exchange a relieved smile. 

“Don’t thank me yet, we need to talk about your dad, Dean.” Jody warns, sounding reluctant if obstinate. 

“I should leave you two to talk,” Cas says, raising up. 

Dean has always been reluctant to talk to him about his parents. Cas feels ashamed enough that Jo told him so much. He always promised that he would wait for Dean to be ready to tell him and he feels like he’s betrayed that enough lately. 

“No. Stay,” Dean urges, grabbing Castiel’s hand again, eyes pleading. 

Castiel nods, sitting back down, touched. He doesn’t let go of Dean’s hand and the young man's knee comes to rest against his. Dean turns back to Jody. 

“Are you gonna arrest him?” Dean says, voice harder. 

“I’m sorry, kiddo, but his blood test came back with BAC above 0.10. I don’t have a choice.” 

“I don’t care. I don’t want anything to do with him anymore,” Dean states, voice cold and jaw clenched so hard that Cas can see it. 

Jody looks pained, but not surprised. 

“He already has a few DUIs and misdemeanors on his criminal records, but I’ve gotta be honest with you, kid, he won’t go to prison for this. He’ll probably be home in a few days with a few hundred hours of community service,” Jody confesses, looking sullen. 

She observes Dean for a moment as the teenager bites his bottom lip in anxiety, his knees shaking up and down as he reflects on that. 

“Do you  _ want _ him to come back home?” Jody asks. “Because, Dean, if you tell me you don’t want him home, I’ll make everything I possibly can, and some things I probably  _ shouldn’t _ , so that man never steps foot anywhere near you or your brother again,” Cas’ foster mom affirms, a stubborn set to her jaw.

Dean doesn’t look at her, looking down. As Cas follows his gaze, he can see a single tear fall on the ground, right between Dean’s feet. 

“And then what?” Dean asks in anguish. “I can’t lose Sammy.”

“Eh, you’re not going to lose him,” Jody promises, putting a hand on Dean’s chin until he looks back at her. He shakes her off.

“Yes I will. You think I haven’t looked it up before?” Dean says, getting frustrated. “If dad goes to prison, social services will take Sam away. They might let me emancipate, but they’ll never entrust Sam to me.”

“I’m sorry, kiddo, but your little brother is in the hospital, so social services are going to get involved anyway,” Jody confides, “but that’s a  _ good  _ thing, Dean.” 

“They’re going to take him away,” Dean says in a little voice, hopeless.

“Well he ain’t going far,” comes a familiar gruff voice, making them look up. 

Bobby is standing a few feet in front of them, having arrived unnoticed. Jo is just behind him, eyes puffy and looking smaller than Cas has ever seen her. 

The older man comes closer and holds out a stack of papers to Dean. The teenager takes it, wiping his wet face with one hand as he looks it over with a frown. 

“What’s that?” Dean asks, lost. 

“If you thought I was gonna just abandon you, you had me confused with another old bastard, son,” Bobby declares soundly. 

“Bobby had me reach out to one of my contacts in social service a few weeks back to help draw the papers on a care and custody transfer demand,” Jody explains. 

“All we were waiting for was for you to stop being an idjit,” Bobby points out. 

Despite his usual rough words, his eyes bleed affectation and Bobby looks nervous, like he’s bracing himself for rejection. 

“But...my dad?” Dean says, incredulous as he looks from the papers to his uncle. 

“You just tell me the words, kid, and I’ll go back in that room and make him sign those papers,” Jody vows, with an air that tells them they don’t want to know more about how she’ll do it. 

“Yeah, I probably shouldn’t be hearing that,” Deputy Hanscum whispers, wiping a few tears away as she backs up. 

Dean looks thunderstruck, blinking at Jody, then at Bobby, then back at the paper in quick succession. 

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?” Dean finally asks, tentative. 

Castiel frowns, not sure who he’s talking to. Dean raises his head, staring at Jo with a fearful question in his eyes. She smiles gently, lip wobbling as tears come to her eyes. 

“You’ve always been more of an annoying little brother than a cousin, anyway,” Jo confesses, trying to sound uninterested despite the tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I’m older than you,” Dean notes with a trembling smirk.

“Yeah by two weeks, jerk.” Jo laughs, wiping her nose.

“You sure?” Dean asks Bobby. 

“Oh will you stop being a sissy and say yes already!” the older man answers, miming exasperation. “I’m not asking you to prom, I’m asking you to stop being a idjit and let me continue to do what I’ve been doing since you were six years old.”

“Which is?” Dean asks, a teasing look in his eyes. 

“Which is freaking  _ love  _ you and take care of you, you asshat.”

Dean laughs a little. He nods to himself, staring at the file still in his hands for a moment more before he holds it out to Jody. 

  
  


************

Cas and Dean are both lying in the dark a few hours later. They can hear the sound of Bobby’s TV from downstairs. Only a few silver rays of the moon illuminated the bedroom. 

Dean was the only family that could see Sam before they left the hospital. The doctors have reassured them that the boy was going to be fine, but refused to let Dean, as a minor, stay the night at the hospital, especially without a legal guardian there. They had to argue with Dean for a long moment before he agreed to rest at Bobby’s for the night. 

Despite Dean’s affirming that Sam seemed fine, the teenager still looked shaken, grasping Castiel’s hand as soon as he was back. 

Jody had taken John to the police station to book him and was gone for the night. Castiel didn’t ask for Bobby’s permission, he wasn’t leaving Dean’s side. 

Now he’s lying in Sam’s bed at Bobby’s, listening to Dean’s breathing. It reminds him of his nights in Heaven where he shared a bedroom with six of his siblings. He always found comfort in hearing someone else’s breath in the dark. 

With time, Cas has gotten good at recognizing how a breath can sound, depending on the person's state of mind. Right now, Dean sounds like one of his siblings when they were coming back from a session with Lucifer. It’s greatly concerning, and it doesn’t seem to lessen despite the minutes ticking by. 

Castiel remembers being little and sneaking to his sibbling’s bed when they sounded like this, curling up beside them to offer them some comfort. It was highly forbidden because it was thought that they deserved the punishment they got, but Castiel could never resist bending a rule that ended up hurting someone he loved. He spent many nights crying himself because of it, back aching from lashes. Jimmy was the only one brave enough to comfort him on those nights. 

When Dean’s breath rattles once more, Castiel can’t help it anymore. He gets up, padding silently on the toes of his bare feet out of old instincts, and slipping under the covers behind Dean’s back. He must have mastered his sneaking skills, because Dean jumps in fright when the bed dips. 

“What are you doing?” he whispers urgently, over his shoulder. 

“Why are you in pain?” Castiel demands, trying to give Dean as much space as is possible in a single bed. Sensing how tense Dean is, Cas wonders if he’s unwelcome and should go, but Dean doesn’t ask him to leave. He just stays lying on his side, back turned to Castiel. 

“Sammy is in the hospital, Cas.” 

“Yes. But he’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay now,” Castiel assures.

“Sammy is in the hospital  _ because of me _ . How could anything be okay?” Dean says, self hatred making his voice wavers. 

“No he’s  _ not _ ,” Cas affirms, sitting up and turning on the lamp. Dean groans at the unexpected light. “Your father is the only one responsible for what happened, Dean.” 

“Yeah, and who left Sam alone with him?” Dean rages, sitting up, swinging his legs to the side of the bed so his back is toward Cas again. 

“You’ve done nothing wrong, Dean.”

“I knew I shouldn’t,” Dean confesses, curled up with his elbows on his knees, scratching angstously at his hair, “but Sam wanted to spend more time with Dad….He  _ promised _ . My dad promised he wouldn’t drink if he had to drive Sammy,” Dean tells him. “He’s been driving Sam from school for two weeks and everything seemed okay so I...I should have known better,” Dean snarls, pulling on his own hair. 

Castiel’s heart is beating a fast rhythm against his ribcage, screaming the guilt that Cas can’t quite bring to his lips. 

“He could have died, Cas. Sammy could have died, and it would have been because of me,” Dean says, turning sideway and looking at the other teenager in anguish. “I  _ knew _ I couldn’t trust my dad, I’ve tried so many times before...but I never could trust him to do good by Sammy,” Dean says resentfully, wiping his nose with his palm. “Everyone knew my dad was a deadbeat.  _ You  _ knew instantly that he would disappoint us again,” Dean adds, planting his humid eyes in Cas’. Castiel can’t hold that gaze, wrapped up in a guilt of his own. “Yet I still wanted to believe,” Dean finished, sounding wrecked by anger and misery. 

Dean reaches out for Castiel’s hand on the bed, for this simple touch that seemed to bring him comfort throughout the day. Cas jumps at the touch, taking his hand away. 

“Dean, I’m so sorry,” Cas says, voice strangled with the guilty sob stuck in his throat. 

“What are you sorry for, Cas? You’ve done nothing but try and support us for those last few weeks. Even when I ignored you and treated you like  _ shit _ . Cas, you’re the-”

“It’s my fault that Sam got hurt,” Cas admits in a rush. He can’t hear Dean praise him when he’s the reason his little brother is in the hospital. Dean backs out in surprise, brows furrowed in incomprehension.

“What do you mean it’s your fault? How-”

“John hasn’t been driving Sam from school,” Cas confesses, feeling angry tears roll down his cheeks. 

Anger at himself. He never liked lying. It was a sin and punished severely. Now he wonders if his Father wasn’t right about some things. 

Dean is gaping, still not comprehending, so Cas continues, looking at his own lap. 

“John thought Sam was old enough, so he asked him to take the bus home.”

“The bus?!”

“I didn’t think you would agree, but Sam didn’t want you to get angry with your dad. He begged me not to tell you about it.”

Dean gets up, pacing in fury as Cas confesses. 

“The bus?!” the teenagers yell again. “And you let him!” Dean says, betrayal clear on his face. 

Cas slides to the side of the bed, his position ironically imitating that of Dean in his own guilt.

“I didn’t leave him alone. I was with him every single ride, I  _ swear _ . I would never have left him alone, Dean,” Castiel pleads, looking up at the other boy. 

“Wait. You were the one getting him home all this time?” 

“I would never have done anything that would have put your brother in danger, Dean,” Cas continues, shaking his head. “No, that’s wrong,” he corrects, lips pursed in self-hate and remorse, “because  _ I did _ and now Sam is in the hospital and-”

“Hey, hey, hey.” Dean stops him, crunching in front of his friend to catch his gaze. “This is  _ not _ on you,” he affirms. “You were right, Cas. The only one responsible is my father. Or irresponsible, in this case,” he adds somberly. 

“I shouldn’t have lied to you,” Cas apologizes, still wrapped in his guilt despite the forgiveness in Dean’s eyes. 

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Dean admits, “but I know Sammy. That kid is going to be one hell of a lawyer one day,” Dean says with a proud smile. 

Castiel sniffles, wiping his eyes. 

“Come on, hey,” Dean says gently. “You’ve been nothing but supportive all this time, Cas. I mean, you were a stubborn little shit, and annoying as hell,” Dean mocks. “But  _ thank you _ ,” he confesses, putting a hand on Cas’ cheek. 

“I didn’t want you to feel alone,” Cas murmurs, blushing at the tender gesture.

Dean smiles at him, thankful and full of affection. Castiel offers a little smile back, his chest finally beginning to feel lighter. He closes his eyes as Dean’s deposes a kiss on his forehead. It feels like pardon and a blessing. He lets out a sigh of relief. 

“Come on, we should try and get some sleep,” Dean says after his lips have lingered just a little too long. 

He slips under the cover, scooting to the other side before raising the sheets in invitation. 

They sleep curled up against each other, just like Cas used to do with his siblings. Somehow, it feels different. 

************

The next morning when Cas wakes up, Dean isn’t next to him anymore. He can hear a raucous laughter that he’s never heard before coming from downstairs. Curious, Castiel pads down, still wiping his crusty eyes as he enters the kitchen. 

A middle aged woman with long brown hair is sitting at the kitchen table. She has one arm around Jo and the other around Dean’s back. They’re all laughing as Jo tries to feed the woman some toast. 

“It would be much easier if you just let us go, you know,” Jo says, grimacing as the older woman gets jam on her chin. 

“I just got you back, there’s no way I’m letting you go now,” the woman announces. “Sorry, but you’ll just have to deal with your mom stuck to your side ‘till I have to go back, honey,” she adds before bringing her daughter closer and deposing a big kiss on her cheek, jokingly wiping the jam on her chin all over Jo’s face. The young girl protests, laughing and trying to squirm away. 

“I’m okay with it,” Dean declares, stealing the toast from Jo’s hand and putting it all in his mouth in one go. 

“Jesus, didn’t I teach you better manners?” Ellen mockingly despairs. 

“You tried,” Dean says, wiggling his eyebrows and spitting up some crumbs as his mouth is still full of bread. He grins cheekily as the girls laugh at his antics. 

“You’re gonna go sit down or just keep spying?” Bobby says from behind Cas, making him jump in surprise. 

“And who is that cutie?” Ellen exclaims, noticing Castiel. 

“Dean’s boyfriend,” Jo mocks with a cheeky grin. 

“I’m not Dean’s boyfriend,” Cas responds, tilting his head in confusion. What does qualify someone as boyfriends? “Although we did-”

“This is Cas,” Dean interrupts him, cheeks pink and eyes round like saucers.

“Oh, I have a feeling I’m gonna like you, Cas,” Ellen declares, laughing at Dean’s reaction. “Come sit down, and tell me  _ everything _ ,” she invites, literally pushing Jo out of her chair before patting the vacated sit. 

Jo gets up, looking outraged. 

“What about not letting me go?” she squeaks, scandalized. 

“Visiting hours starts in forty minutes and you better believe I’m going to be right outside that door when it opens. You better go shower because I’m gonna go see my little boy with or without you,” the older woman warns, “or did you want me to wash your back?” she mocks with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m going,” Jo grumbles, pouting. 

“Good. Hurry up. You,” Ellen adds, pointing at Cas. “You come sit here, have breakfast and tell me why the hell my ex-husband is letting you sleep in my Dean’s bed,” she orders, eyes teasing despite her stern tone of voice. 

Cas and Dean are both beet red as Bobby horselaughes about missing his ex-wife.

  
  


************

A few months later…

Castiel is stacking a cardboard box on another one, trying to jauge if the pile is going to hold or collapse, when he hears Dean blow a long breath. He turns around just in time to see the other teenager fall backward on one of the beds with a grunt.

“Was that the last one?” Castiel asks, looking at the box that Dean put on the ground beside the bed.

“Finally!” Dean exclaims. “I have way too much stuff.”

“To be fair, a lot of those seem to be labeled ‘dinosaurs’ and seem to belong to Sam,” Cas notes. 

“Yeah and who do you think I have to thank for that obsession, huh?” Dean accuses, turning sideway on the bed so he can put his head in his hand and look at Cas.

“You mean for getting an A+ in biology? Because that would be me,” Cas smirks. 

They might have gone a little overboard with that first semester biology diorama, but he and Sam had a lot of fun doing it together. It wasn’t Castiel’s first A, but it was definitely one of the most satisfying ones. 

Dean nearly cried in despair when Sam came home last week with a new project to do on volcanoes. Cas has exactly the book for it. He and Sam talked about their plan of recycling their whole dinosaur diorama by adding a volcano to it for about two hours before Dean had to physically drag Castiel out. 

Dean is not as adverse to his presence anymore those days. On the contrary, he and the jock have been passing pretty much all their time together now that Dean has quit his job, and finally has some free time. Charlie has expressed some concern about her status as best friend, but when they’re not together as a group, she’s generally stuck to Jo’s side herself. 

Castiel wonders about that sometimes, about Jo and Charlie spending as much time together as he and Dean do. The only real difference is that the girls are having sex, whereas Dean hasn’t expressed any romantic or sexual interest in Cas since a few days after his father’s return.

John is long gone by now, having skipped town about two days after the accident. Dean still hasn't talked to him. At least John had the decency to say goodbye to Sammy this time. He will come back, because that’s what Sam wanted in the end, but he’ll never be responsible for his boys ever again, to everyone’s relief, even John’s. 

The first thing Bobby did when he got custody was to make Dean quit his job. The teen can’t get back on the sports team this far in the season, but Bobby lets him work a few hours on the cars in the salvage yard on the weekend and that seems to be what Dean likes the most. He’s starting to talk about studying Mechanical Engineering right here in Lawrence, at Kansas University. 

As for Castiel, he never thought he could ever go to College with his grades. Despite all his efforts, there are still too many classes that he can’t quite pass. He might graduate, but just barely. 

He was pretty much despairing to ever be able to go to a good College, if any at all, when his manuscript finally got published. He sent it to a publisher a few months back, and they immediately offered him a deal, knowing that they couldn’t pass the chance to get a ‘cult boy’ autobiography. That was stressful too, exposing this huge part of himself to the whole world. Thankfully, the public’s responses have been pretty positive so far. 

Since then he’s even had quite a few colleges contacting him, offering him honorary scholarships. It didn’t take him a long time to decide on the Colleges of Liberal Art and Science, right here at KU. 

Charlie and Jo are going to CalTech, which is going to be heartbreaking and hard for everyone. They’re moving there in early summer to search for an apartment together. Charlie promised that he could come over in August; that she will show him the beach and the ocean. He’s really looking forward to that. 

Contradictorily, the more he feels like he has a safe place to call home, the more he wants to explore the world. It’s not as scary when you know that someone is waiting for you somewhere.

Dean told him that they should go on a road trip to California over the Summer. Castiel thinks he would really like that. Just Dean and him and a thousand things for them to discover. 

Of course, Castiel still thinks about Heaven pretty often, but it’s less bitter, less hurtful to do so. It made him who he is, and Pamela is helping him realize that it’s not such a bad thing to be. Now he can talk about Jimmy or his mom to his friends. It hurts less and less. Charlie is teaching him to ‘diss on Chuck’ like she calls it. It’s not as easy because for ten years his Father was everything, but he’s started writing him a letter about all the hurt he caused. He’s not sure he’s ever going to send them, or that his Father would care, but it feels good to tell him that he was wrong, that Castiel can be okay and happy outside of Heaven. 

It’s still hard to feel happy sometimes. There is a little voice in his head reminding him of how undeserving he is. Pamela told him that if he can’t love himself yet, he should just look around him. Jody, Charlie, Jo, Sam, Bobby, and Dean are the most amazing people Castiel has ever known. If they can love him, why couldn’t he? If he can’t see his own valor, then maybe  _ they _ can show him. They certainly seem to try to. 

It might be starting to work because he doesn’t feel like the same teenager that asked that question last year. 

“Do you want to have sex?” Castiel wonders, thinking back to the question he asked a year ago now.

Dean looks even more baffled this time than the first time around. He actually chokes on his own saliva before falling face first on the bed. He can see Dean shaking, face still buried in the mattress as he laughs. 

“I’m not sure how to take that answer,” Cas says with an exaggerated serious and monotone voice. His way of talking always seems to amuse people so now he’s learned to use it and to make it his own brand of humor. 

His friends certainly seem to find it funny. 

Dean suddenly raises his head, eyes round. 

“Wait, you’re serious?” 

Castiel smirks. He wasn’t. He still enjoys teasing his friend very much though. Dean’s reactions are always unexpected, but they certainly are never boring. 

“The first time I asked seemed to have brought a pretty satisfying result, so why not reinitiate it?”

“Satisfying? You ran away barefoot in the street before we could even kiss.” Dean mocks, dubious. 

“And yet we’re here now, aren’t we?” Castiel asks with a patient smile. 

“Oh,” Dean gapes, thinking back on it for a moment. He finally beams back at Castiel. “Come here,” Dean invites, raising up and gesturing at Cas to approach as he closes the door. 

Castiel squints, approaching warily. “You know that was a joke, right?” Cas asks as Dean takes him by the shoulder to move him right in front of the door. 

“Yeah yeah, very cute,” Dean says, rolling his eyes sarcastically. He taps his foot against one of Cas’, inviting him to step slightly to the right, then the left, then the right again. Dean finally takes a step back and observes him, tilting his head to the side. “That’s it,” Dean finally declares with a grin. 

“What’s what?” Castiel asks, very confused by the whole endeavour. 

“That's the exact spot you were in when we were interrupted that day,” Dean explains, stepping right in front of Cas and putting one hand on his hip, the other on the arm. “Or was it on the hip too?” Dean reflects. He puts his second hand on Castiel’s hip and pulls them a little closer. Cas’ eyes go round and he can feel a blush warming his cheeks. “Yup, that was it,” Dean says, his tongues picking out to wet his bottom lips. Cas can’t help but follow it with his gaze. When he looks back up, Dean looks cocky. “So. You’re ready this time?”

“Ready?” Cas stammers, dazed and flustered by Dean’s behavior. 

“Sam’s out, Jo’s at Charlie’s, and most importantly, Bobby’s out too. So, no interruptions,” Dean declares, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

“Oh,” Castiel finally realizes, thinking back to that very first barbecue, to that very first kiss that Bobby interrupted. 

“You’re ready to take back where we left off then?” Dean asks, slightly mocking of Castiel’s slow realization. 

“No,” Castiel says, frowning. Dean’s face immediately falls. “I don’t want to go back to how it was. To what we were,” he confesses, “everything is so much better now.”

Dean laughs. It sounds more affectionate than humorous. 

“That it is, Cas,” Dean confirms, beaming, “and it’s all thanks to you, you weirdo,” he adds affectionately. 

Castiel is on the verge of protesting, because that wasn’t just him, that was _ them _ , but he’s cut off by Dean’s lip on his and this time no one will stop them from staying together. 

Not even themselves. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Did you like it? Tell me everything!
> 
> Thank you for reading.


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